Passive aggressive comments

[Anonymous]

My dad is dying. He's flying out to a specialist for a second opinion but things aren't looking good. He asked that I don't tell anyone(aside from DH) because he has an incredibly successful company that feeds a lot of families. He doesn't want people to panic and quit. He's training my brother and my husband to take over. It's a lot on our plate right now. My dad is in his 50s so it's shocking. DH has spent a lot of time at work and with my dad learning how to take over. I've been spending as much time with my dad as possible. I also work running my own small business so I'm swamped. My sister watches DD as MIL works full time and has her hands full taking care of FIL who is on bed rest. We've been trying our best to go see MIL and FIL but every time we go to see them MIL makes a bunch of passive comments about how much time we're spending with my family rather than theirs. It's never direct so I just don't know how to respond. I don't want to deal with her little tantrums right now. Advice for nipping her passive aggressive comments in the bud?

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this, OP. I don't have anything helpful to say except to ignore MIL, as she is most likely trying to get a reaction from you.

[Anonymous]

Sorry about your father, OP. Your MIL is probably feeling a bit abandoned and wondering why you don't rally around your sick FIL more, since she doesn't know what's really going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this, OP. I don't have anything helpful to say except to ignore MIL, as she is most likely trying to get a reaction from you.

Thank you. I'm working extra to help my mom prepare financially and we're all making double sure financially everyone is fine. I've even had to sell my office which I just told my in-laws that I couldn't justify paying the rent on to keep them from asking questions. I know posters will tell me just to tell her the truth but I'm trying to respect my dad's wishes. I know that SIL doesn't ever keep secrets and MIL can't ever refrain from telling SIL things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry about your father, OP. Your MIL is probably feeling a bit abandoned and wondering why you don't rally around your sick FIL more, since she doesn't know what's really going on.

We still see them weekly. I missed a week recently though. DH and his sister take turns mowing their yard and helping FIL with anything he may need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry about your father, OP. Your MIL is probably feeling a bit abandoned and wondering why you don't rally around your sick FIL more, since she doesn't know what's really going on.

This exactly.

[Anonymous]

As far as nipping her comments, just say something head-on. "Larla, it seems from your comments like something's bothering you. What's on your mind?" If she demurs, point out that she made "xyz" comment and ask what she meant. Keep doing this and she'll either have a direct conversation or else stop with the comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry about your father, OP. Your MIL is probably feeling a bit abandoned and wondering why you don't rally around your sick FIL more, since she doesn't know what's really going on.

We still see them weekly. I missed a week recently though. DH and his sister take turns mowing their yard and helping FIL with anything he may need.

And thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As far as nipping her comments, just say something head-on. "Larla, it seems from your comments like something's bothering you. What's on your mind?" If she demurs, point out that she made "xyz" comment and ask what she meant. Keep doing this and she'll either have a direct conversation or else stop with the comments.

MIL is a very passive aggressive person. I generally hear from FIL what she's upset about because she will never tell me. I'm a busy business owner, wife and mom. Sometimes I miss her passive aggressive comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry about your father, OP. Your MIL is probably feeling a bit abandoned and wondering why you don't rally around your sick FIL more, since she doesn't know what's really going on.

We still see them weekly. I missed a week recently though. DH and his sister take turns mowing their yard and helping FIL with anything he may need.

You missed a week? Whoop-de-doo. Seriously. You can miss more than a week.

Ask DH to tell her that you're dealing with some issues right now and that you will be taking a step back for a little while.

[Anonymous]

I generally just approach whatever she seems to be tip toeing around casually. It's who MIL is and I know that. I just find a way to address whatever is bothering her without putting her on the spot. I just don't know what to say this time other than we've been busy but we promise we will find a day soon for time with them. That just leads her to ask why we're so busy. From what I can tell she doesn't believe we're busy since we have so much time for my dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry about your father, OP. Your MIL is probably feeling a bit abandoned and wondering why you don't rally around your sick FIL more, since she doesn't know what's really going on.

We still see them weekly. I missed a week recently though. DH and his sister take turns mowing their yard and helping FIL with anything he may need.

You missed a week? Whoop-de-doo. Seriously. You can miss more than a week.

Ask DH to tell her that you're dealing with some issues right now and that you will be taking a step back for a little while.

DH has a lot on his plate. I'm worried that if he tells her that he will have a fight with his mom to add to everything. I'm usually so good at handling her passive aggressive comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As far as nipping her comments, just say something head-on. "Larla, it seems from your comments like something's bothering you. What's on your mind?" If she demurs, point out that she made "xyz" comment and ask what she meant. Keep doing this and she'll either have a direct conversation or else stop with the comments.

MIL is a very passive aggressive person. I generally hear from FIL what she's upset about because she will never tell me. I'm a busy business owner, wife and mom. Sometimes I miss her passive aggressive comments.

I'm sorry for what you and your family are going through now. I know it's especially difficult because you're father is so young. I'm sending good thoughts for strength for you during this time.

As for your MIL, I would just continue to ignore the remarks. Eventually, she will realize what you've been going through. If you act as though you're not getting her remarks, later on she might be able to save face by thinking you never saw that she might be annoyed. Does that make sense? She'll feel bad about your dad when she does realize, this saves her from also having to feel bad about a possible confrontation with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As far as nipping her comments, just say something head-on. "Larla, it seems from your comments like something's bothering you. What's on your mind?" If she demurs, point out that she made "xyz" comment and ask what she meant. Keep doing this and she'll either have a direct conversation or else stop with the comments.

MIL is a very passive aggressive person. I generally hear from FIL what she's upset about because she will never tell me. I'm a busy business owner, wife and mom. Sometimes I miss her passive aggressive comments.

I'm sorry for what you and your family are going through now. I know it's especially difficult because you're father is so young. I'm sending good thoughts for strength for you during this time.

As for your MIL, I would just continue to ignore the remarks. Eventually, she will realize what you've been going through. If you act as though you're not getting her remarks, later on she might be able to save face by thinking you never saw that she might be annoyed. Does that make sense? She'll feel bad about your dad when she does realize, this saves her from also having to feel bad about a possible confrontation with you.

I will just pretend to not catch on. That's great advice. Thank you. I was trying to figure out what to say without causing harm to my dad and now I just won't say anything.

[Anonymous]

So sorry for your problems, OP. I think the best thing you can do is to pretend to be the most remarkably obtuse DIL who ever walked the face of the earth. Just smile and nod to every comment. It drives passive aggressive people nuts when their remarks aren't noticed and you still are able to honor your Dad's wishes. As other PPs indicated eventually your MIL will learn the truth. Best wishes to you and your family.