I'm feeling stupid for being sad because my DD wants my husband to adopt her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's kind of how I'm feeling, like he never existed, she never got to know him, and he wanted so very much to be a dad and was a great one. There's also his family, I can't imagine this will go over well.

It sounds like, separately from the potential adoption, you're coming to terms with your DD not getting to know her birth father. Maybe you can come up with ways that you and bio dad's family can share photos and stories of his life in a format that she can keep?

[Anonymous]

How does your DH feel?

Would be be willing to legally change his name to His First _Deceased DH's last _ His Last so than when his name replaces her bio dad on the birth certificate it still retains part of bio dad's name? I know someone who did something like this. It's a ceremonial passing of the torch while retaining some symbolic tie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD 13 wants her stepdad to adopt her. He's been in her life since she was 5 and he's been her dad in basically every way since then. I had held off on doing anything because I wanted the decision to be hers when she was old enough, and I think 13 is plenty old enough.
I'm just sad because her father passed when she was 2 and it's just making me sad she'll never know him. Which is stupid, because I'm so blessed to have my husband who has been a great dad to her. and that my daughter feels close to him too.

I'm also feeling bad because I was kind of short with her when she brought up this morning, and I know I need to apologize for that. I'm just feeling very mixed up about this to my surprise, and just need to vent.

I would tell her exactly all of this. Maybe you can even come up with something nice together to remember her bio father, while embracing her stepdad as her new father.

[Anonymous]

DD has always know about her dad, she's seen pictures, but I think he's more like that relative you only see on Thanksgiving, in that you know you are related, but there's no real connection or meaning there.

Maybe that;s my fault, maybe that's how things naturally progress.

I'm very happy she has my husband and wants this, and I don't want to put my feelings on her, I don't think that's fair to her. This should be a happy thing. I think I'm just realizing I have a bit more emotional unpacking to do than I thought.

As for my husband, he's on board, he would have done it years ago, but agreed to let it be her decision.

I do like the suggestion of having him change his middle name, I've never heard of that.

[Anonymous]

This thread made me tear up. OP - lots and lots of hugs. Obviously you've done a lot right by your DD if this is where you are. Please be honest with her about everything you are feeling - your reaction to the whole thing is really kind of beautiful and she might appreciate knowing where that comes from. And then try to hear her - and also your DH - out on the way they are feeling. Seems like there must be a way to balance love and family and your DD's father's memory and legacy that will feel comfortable for everyone involved.

[Anonymous]

POs have given you great advice. It's all okay, OP - that this can be happy and sad at the same time. And your DD is old enough to understand and appreciate this.

It's also possible that she'll develop more of an interest in her bio dad as she travels more miles in life - if she marries, has kids, etc. and just moves through life as an adult. At 13 that kind of reflection isn't necessarily in the forefront.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD has always know about her dad, she's seen pictures, but I think he's more like that relative you only see on Thanksgiving, in that you know you are related, but there's no real connection or meaning there.

Maybe that;s my fault, maybe that's how things naturally progress.

I'm very happy she has my husband and wants this, and I don't want to put my feelings on her, I don't think that's fair to her. This should be a happy thing. I think I'm just realizing I have a bit more emotional unpacking to do than I thought.

As for my husband, he's on board, he would have done it years ago, but agreed to let it be her decision.

I do like the suggestion of having him change his middle name, I've never heard of that.

OP, instead of looking at it as a loss, she is fortunate to have two fathers who love her dearly. I would not have your husband change his name. That is creepy and makes no sense. Have her retain her name and add his last name. Either do her father's last name as a double middle name or last name. We adopted and retained our child's first name and he will always have that from his birth mom. It sounds like this is more of an issue for you and you are still morning the loss of your first husband/child's father. She probably has more feelings to this but isn't at a point in her life to express them. She's at that stage in life where she wants to fit in and for her fitting in is having the same father and life as her younger sibling has. She wants to feel equal and even though she is to both you and your husband, she for what ever reasons doesn't feel it. She may also get asked a lot of questions from peers and its just easier for her at this stage to be adopted. You can still do special stuff to remember her dad at important times of the year.

[Anonymous]

I co-parent an 8-year-old whose dad has frequent overseas deployments. I go a little insane every time he leaves and I'm flying completely solo for months at a time. BUT... his homecomings are bittersweet for me because it means I have to share her again. She's been mine-all-mine for 3 months or 4 months or 7 months and now she'll be spending 3 nights a week (or some weekends or weeks) away from me. I realize I'll miss her when she's at Dad's, even though I'm excited to have free time away!

So I suspect you are having a little sadness about the fact that it has been the two of you for awhile now and now you are being asked to share her. It's actually a pretty cool position to be in, but I understand why you are sad too. Good luck with your decision.

[Anonymous]

Why does she have to change her name? Why can't she retain her first father's last name after stepdad adopts her? There are plenty of families out there who have children with last names that are different from mom or dad? I have a friend whose children still have their bio dad's last name even though they have been legally adopted by their step dad.

[Anonymous]

DH would be a fool to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Remember that adopted children still have birth parents, and having her stepdad adopt her does not change anything about who her father was at her birth. It simply gives her the gift of a (legal) living father.

Well....in many states, it will mean that her birth father is removed from her birth certificate and an amended one is issued. So it's like dead dad never existed.

How many women here would be ok if their husband's new wife adopted their kids and struck them permanently from the record of your child's birth after you died?

Yeah, didn't think so.

If I died tomorrow, I would hope my DH would meet someone else who made him and my children so happy that my children wanted her to adopt them. I would be dead, I'm not coming back and no one is taking anything from me that I would otherwise have. I would still have existed, loved and been loved, a piece of paper is just that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I co-parent an 8-year-old whose dad has frequent overseas deployments. I go a little insane every time he leaves and I'm flying completely solo for months at a time. BUT... his homecomings are bittersweet for me because it means I have to share her again. She's been mine-all-mine for 3 months or 4 months or 7 months and now she'll be spending 3 nights a week (or some weekends or weeks) away from me. I realize I'll miss her when she's at Dad's, even though I'm excited to have free time away!

So I suspect you are having a little sadness about the fact that it has been the two of you for awhile now and now you are being asked to share her. It's actually a pretty cool position to be in, but I understand why you are sad too. Good luck with your decision.

This is a very different situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH would be a fool to do this.

Yep, would be a total fool to legally establish the family relationship that already exists between him and the child he has come to love and think of as his own. Let me guess, you're thinking about what happens if they divorce and OP's DH is on the hook for child support. Believe it or not, there are men out there who, in those circumstances, would be grateful for the legal obligations of adoption so that they could continue to have a relationship with their child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Remember that adopted children still have birth parents, and having her stepdad adopt her does not change anything about who her father was at her birth. It simply gives her the gift of a (legal) living father.

Well....in many states, it will mean that her birth father is removed from her birth certificate and an amended one is issued. So it's like dead dad never existed.

How many women here would be ok if their husband's new wife adopted their kids and struck them permanently from the record of your child's birth after you died?

Yeah, didn't think so.

If I died tomorrow, I would hope my DH would meet someone else who made him and my children so happy that my children wanted her to adopt them. I would be dead, I'm not coming back and no one is taking anything from me that I would otherwise have. I would still have existed, loved and been loved, a piece of paper is just that.

+1. If you died when your kid was TWO, you wouldn't want them to want to get adopted by the only mom/dad they have ever really known?!? That's insane. I would want my kid(s) and DH to be happy. I can understand why this is tinged by sadness for OP, but it's really a testament to what a good job she and her DH have done raising her daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD has always know about her dad, she's seen pictures, but I think he's more like that relative you only see on Thanksgiving, in that you know you are related, but there's no real connection or meaning there.

Maybe that;s my fault, maybe that's how things naturally progress.

I'm very happy she has my husband and wants this, and I don't want to put my feelings on her, I don't think that's fair to her. This should be a happy thing. I think I'm just realizing I have a bit more emotional unpacking to do than I thought.

As for my husband, he's on board, he would have done it years ago, but agreed to let it be her decision.

I do like the suggestion of having him change his middle name, I've never heard of that.

Of course this is natural. She was two. You somehow have to separate the you who still wishes that the past had turned out differently from the you who already did this in your own life.

You got remarried and moved on, but you're simultaneously holding your daughter in position as the memory of what could have been. You have to let her become who she is today; that two-year-old in the pictures is still there, but far, far more of her life has been spent with her dad, and she wants it to be official. Imagine in her shoes if you divorce, or if you die, OP: she could lose her dad.