Borderline Personality Disorder, narcissism, etc.

[Anonymous]

Also, not everyone on here is arm chair diagnosing. I have posted before about my narcissistic ex. A number of therapists who have seen us together over the years have used that label to describe him. That said, these traits and disorders run on a spectrum, and it can be hard to tell when you are dealing with a whole lot of traits but they have some facet that keeps them from a diagnosis of the full-blown disorder from his own individual therapist. With my ex, if you catch him on the right day, he will admit to some of what he has done. Other days, no, he has done nothing wrong and everything is my fault and he is the one who suffered (despite the fact I have pictures of the bruises). Either way, it doesn't mean I didn't live through a whole lot of hell.

[Anonymous]

My ex is a diagnosed NPD. The word sociopath was also used, but he was never formally diagnosed.

He's a pretty charming guy, but he deteriorated in middle age once life got hard.

I agree with others here that the impact is huge. So are the fractured relationships. I am the kind of person who is still friends with people from high school. My ex is exactly the opposite - after "disputes," he just moves on from person to person, group to group.

I have a crazy neighbor, and I suspect BPD or sociopathy. Other than that, I've known a lot of other difficult people, but none as bad as my neighbor and ex.

I think the difference is that you can work with run of the mill difficult people. It might not be fun, but you can do it. Think of the awful coworker down the hallway, or the mean MIL. But you can NOT work with a BPD or NPD or sociopath. The only thing you can do is run away as fast as possible, or they can destroy your life.

It all happens when they feel threatened. And they feel threatened all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, not everyone on here is arm chair diagnosing. I have posted before about my narcissistic ex. A number of therapists who have seen us together over the years have used that label to describe him. That said, these traits and disorders run on a spectrum, and it can be hard to tell when you are dealing with a whole lot of traits but they have some facet that keeps them from a diagnosis of the full-blown disorder from his own individual therapist. With my ex, if you catch him on the right day, he will admit to some of what he has done. Other days, no, he has done nothing wrong and everything is my fault and he is the one who suffered (despite the fact I have pictures of the bruises). Either way, it doesn't mean I didn't live through a whole lot of hell.

But someone being narcissistic and having an actual personality disorder like NPD are totally different things. You can have behaviors and traits and not have full blown disorder.

[Anonymous]

Yes, the behaviors fall on a spectrum. If I'm dealing with someone who exhibits most of the traits, and it makes life hell, I don't care that they're not going to volunteer to get diagnosed. That's part of the problem: They think they're normal and it's everyone else who's the problem.

You won't really notice a lot of times, if you have only a superficial relationship or limited interaction with someone with NPD. Keep in mind that their entire focus and energy investment is to appear wonderful to themselves and others, and they can be very good at it. With so much at stake, and lifelong practice, it's easy to keep a mask up with most people, most of the time.

And usually they're not malignant types, which are more obvious, so they have many nice parts to their personalities. It becomes a confusing mindf*ck after a while.

It's when you are very close to them in relationship, with emotional investment, especially as a partner or parent, that you will eventually feel the pain as you come to realize that their need to feed that huge hole in themselves comes before everything and everyone.

People with personality disorders are definitely drawn to each other and to codependent people like "fixers," and people-pleasers. Those who grow up with a parent who has many traits and behaviors of a personality disorder often find themselves drawn to partners with similar issues or to those who grew up with a similar parent.

And those who post here about particular and distinctive types of confusing, difficult behaviors from their loved ones attract responses from those of us who've survived, because we recognize it from long, painful experience. I think we tend to respond because it's kind of therapeutic for us and we know how difficult and destructive it is to deal with, so we want to help. Plus a lot of us are "fixers." lol

[Anonymous]

I posted on one of the threads. One of my close friend's mom was diagnosed BPD. She was prescribed mood stabilizers, but she didn't want to take them as they interfered with her "creativity." She's an artist. She refused to do CBT; her excuse was that it was too much of a time commitment.

[ddintysons]

Hi Everyone,

I think I am the most important person in the world because I am the most important person in world.

You should thinks so as well. It is not a disorder if you are correct in what you believe.

Signed,

The most important person you know.

[Anonymous]

I use a personality disorder to describe my ex. I'm doing it to explain the type of person he is and what our marriage was like and why it ended. It doesn't matter to me whether a shrink would give him the same diagnosis, which I don't even believe is in the DSM anymore. It's just a way of explaining, as PP has described, what my life was like with someone who to outsiders may have looked like a nice guy but who with people closest to him was extremely difficult and confusing, and frankly, not capable of being in a functional relationship. It's a lot easier to say "he had extremely XXX tendencies," then to list off all the crazy things he did in order to paint the picture.

[Anonymous]

There's only one person in my life that I think has a real personality disorder. I'm not sure if it is NPD or BPD, but I am certain that this person would be diagnosed if she ever were to seek help. I have other difficult people in my life, a father with a bad temper who was verbally abusive, a passive aggressive controlling mother, other very self-centered/controlling relatives...but this one person. This person is different.

In addition to the extreme narcissism and deep insecurities, paranoia, accusations, string of severed relationships, this person also plays constantly with who is in her "inner circle," who is accepted and loved and wanted and who is rejected. I think that is typical of people with these kinds of disorders, and if you are on the receiving end of their abuse, it can be very confusing and very hurtful, especially since there is a lot of gaslighting involved so that your view of yourself and the people around you gets distorted.

It's not until I learned about NPD and later BPD that I was able to actually get some relief and ease some of the anxiety around this person. It helped me stop blaming myself, trying to make sense of a relationship that seemed to get worse the more I tried to make it better, and I'm not even one of the main recipients of the abuse. I can understand why people suddenly cling to NPD and BPD diagnoses when they discover them and read materials like http://outofthefog.website/ (which I found out about on DCUM). You can feel so small and so out of control when your life is overwhelmed by a person with these disorders. Seeing it described and put into words is really helpful for the healing process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of talk of disorderd people here at DCUM: Relationships. But I don't know that I know any BPD or Narcissistic people IRL (I'm sure I must but I don't know, right?).

I'm thinking this is all pop psychology and folks are "diagnosing" their ex / exes without real basis in fact because they aren't getting what they want from the relationship (e.g. he cheated? Narcissist!).

Am I wrong? Are the disordered folks really a dime a dozen? Or are we looking at people through faulty lenses?

According to a psychology book I read on the subject, 7 percent of Americans have a personality disorder, and that percent has been rising over time for a number of reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of talk of disorderd people here at DCUM: Relationships. But I don't know that I know any BPD or Narcissistic people IRL (I'm sure I must but I don't know, right?).

I'm thinking this is all pop psychology and folks are "diagnosing" their ex / exes without real basis in fact because they aren't getting what they want from the relationship (e.g. he cheated? Narcissist!).

Am I wrong? Are the disordered folks really a dime a dozen? Or are we looking at people through faulty lenses?

According to a psychology book I read on the subject, 7 percent of Americans have a personality disorder, and that percent has been rising over time for a number of reasons.

Why? Hmm..increased expectations of all of us, visual templates of how we are supposed to look, what our life is supposed to look like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, the behaviors fall on a spectrum. If I'm dealing with someone who exhibits most of the traits, and it makes life hell, I don't care that they're not going to volunteer to get diagnosed. That's part of the problem: They think they're normal and it's everyone else who's the problem.

You won't really notice a lot of times, if you have only a superficial relationship or limited interaction with someone with NPD. Keep in mind that their entire focus and energy investment is to appear wonderful to themselves and others, and they can be very good at it. With so much at stake, and lifelong practice, it's easy to keep a mask up with most people, most of the time.

And usually they're not malignant types, which are more obvious, so they have many nice parts to their personalities. It becomes a confusing mindf*ck after a while.

It's when you are very close to them in relationship, with emotional investment, especially as a partner or parent, that you will eventually feel the pain as you come to realize that their need to feed that huge hole in themselves comes before everything and everyone.

People with personality disorders are definitely drawn to each other and to codependent people like "fixers," and people-pleasers. Those who grow up with a parent who has many traits and behaviors of a personality disorder often find themselves drawn to partners with similar issues or to those who grew up with a similar parent.

And those who post here about particular and distinctive types of confusing, difficult behaviors from their loved ones attract responses from those of us who've survived, because we recognize it from long, painful experience. I think we tend to respond because it's kind of therapeutic for us and we know how difficult and destructive it is to deal with, so we want to help. Plus a lot of us are "fixers." lol

^^^ agree with above. These people are on a spectrum and don't volunteer for a diagnosis. Plus without detailed observations from other people, it's an extremely difficult diagnosis. They surround themselves with groupies and are often very very very charming. Bottom line, after experiencing this once, I steer clear of negative people like this. I don't need a diagnosis to know they are toxic. I am not obligated to put up with jerkish behavior no matter what the reason.

[Anonymous]

Everyone has a good side and a dark side. A lot of arm chair diagnosis is done by people who are just pissed off at someone, maybe for a good reason, but they have to exonerate themselves by dx the other.

[Anonymous]

the level of armchair diagnose going on here is quite annoying, actually.