Borderline Personality Disorder, narcissism, etc.

[Anonymous]

Lots of talk of disorderd people here at DCUM: Relationships. But I don't know that I know any BPD or Narcissistic people IRL (I'm sure I must but I don't know, right?).

I'm thinking this is all pop psychology and folks are "diagnosing" their ex / exes without real basis in fact because they aren't getting what they want from the relationship (e.g. he cheated? Narcissist!).

Am I wrong? Are the disordered folks really a dime a dozen? Or are we looking at people through faulty lenses?

[Anonymous]

It's not that they're common, it's that their problems have a big impact on the people around them. I didn't know anyone like that, and I probably still wouldn't here in middle age, except I married my dh and his mom is borderline. Learning about the disorder has made her behaviour make sense - I get it now.

I actually can't watch those Real Housewives shows anymore - I'm sure many of those women have personality disorders. If you don't know about personality disorders you just think they're difficult people who act irrationally. Once you learn about them you can see what's happening.

[Anonymous]

I work in mental health care, and personality disorders are some of the hardest disorders to work with, IMO. On the one hand, obviously recognizing the existence and validity of mental illness is important, but on the other hand, a lot of the symptoms of personality disorders are basically that their behavior is unpleasant. I have also observed that some individuals believe that they have a personality disorder and believe that this diagnosis is not just an explanation of but also a justification for their unpleasant behavior.

Not everyone who has a history of inappropriately intense relationships, dramatic mood swings and impulsive high risk behavior has borderline personality disorder, for example.

I think for people who are in relationships with people who have this kind of unpleasant behavior, it's sometimes easier to believe that the person has an actual disorder than it is to believe that they are just an inconsiderate jerk. Certainly I don't think it's a good idea to go around diagnosing people you know with these disorders willy-nilly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not that they're common, it's that their problems have a big impact on the people around them. I didn't know anyone like that, and I probably still wouldn't here in middle age, except I married my dh and his mom is borderline. Learning about the disorder has made her behaviour make sense - I get it now.

I actually can't watch those Real Housewives shows anymore - I'm sure many of those women have personality disorders. If you don't know about personality disorders you just think they're difficult people who act irrationally. Once you learn about them you can see what's happening.

Poster immediately below you.

The thing is that sometimes, they ARE just difficult people who act irrationally. If the diagnosis is helpful in understanding how to deal with the behavior of a family member, then that's great. But not every difficult irrational person is actually mentally ill. Sometimes they're just difficult and irrational.

[Anonymous]

Jerks are a dime a dozen, and most of the "diagnoses" on here are armchair ones based on traits, not on actual diagnoses that match the DSM-5. I also think in a lot of cases, it allows the people not to own up to their own part or codependency in the relationship.

Personality disorders Are real, and destructive, pathological, and also relatively rare. Because someone is a self centered a$$hole doesn't necessarily mean they have a personality disorder. They just have a self centered a$$hole personality.

[Anonymous]

I know one person with BPD. It is crazy town. I know lots of difficult people. They are within the normal range but could use a little work.

[Anonymous]

I am 99% sure a co worker has a personality disorder. She is very unreliable and flaky, exceptionally two faced, obsessed with admiration and position attention, very self absorbed and lies a lot.

[Anonymous]

DC attracts narcissists. Narcissists attract those with BPD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not that they're common, it's that their problems have a big impact on the people around them. I didn't know anyone like that, and I probably still wouldn't here in middle age, except I married my dh and his mom is borderline. Learning about the disorder has made her behaviour make sense - I get it now.

I actually can't watch those Real Housewives shows anymore - I'm sure many of those women have personality disorders. If you don't know about personality disorders you just think they're difficult people who act irrationally. Once you learn about them you can see what's happening.

Poster immediately below you.

The thing is that sometimes, they ARE just difficult people who act irrationally. If the diagnosis is helpful in understanding how to deal with the behavior of a family member, then that's great. But not every difficult irrational person is actually mentally ill. Sometimes they're just difficult and irrational.

Not disagreeing with you. But that doesn't mean that there aren't posters on here with bpd family members. I've known hundreds of people in my life. I know exactly one with bpd. I don't think people are randomly calling difficult people as bpd. I think people who know someone who is bpd post because they cause so many problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DC attracts narcissists. Narcissists attract those with BPD.

True and interesting point.

Another point - the only bpd person I know is my mil. But right off the top of my head I could name at least a dozen people she's had major negative relationships with. All 12 people could easily post here and you'd think a dozen people know someone with bpd. But in fact it's one person who wrecks a lot of havoc because of the disorder. They are small in total number, but their impact is large.

[Anonymous]

I know lots of people whose bahavior is whacky and jerky or just plain unpleasant. But my mother is a different species almost. After a few years of therapy my counselor suggested she may have a personality disorder (although she made it clear she could not diagnose someone she hadn't met) and my therapist started teaching me methods to deal with people with BPD. It helped a ton.
I have no idea if my mom has BPD. She will never darken the door of a psychologist's office. It doesn't really matter. the techniques I've learned in therapy help us have a limited relationship and helped me heal.

[Anonymous]

I do think there's a lot of armchair diagnosis. My brother was borderline, but he had been diagnosed and in and out of psychiatric facilities throughout his adult life. He is the only person I've met with that disorder (that I know of), but I have met a boatload of self-absorbed jerks who are attention starved. I think that's a different animal.

I sincerely hope not as many people suffer from this illness as is discussed on here.

[Anonymous]

I have known one person in my life who fit the BPD criteria. It's really distinct once you figure it out. Since then I've certainly had my share of interpersonal conflicts, but I've never felt like anyone else fit those criteria so exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know one person with BPD. It is crazy town. I know lots of difficult people. They are within the normal range but could use a little work.

Exactly. Big difference between BPD and just "a jerk."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DC attracts narcissists. Narcissists attract those with BPD.

True and interesting point.

Another point - the only bpd person I know is my mil. But right off the top of my head I could name at least a dozen people she's had major negative relationships with. All 12 people could easily post here and you'd think a dozen people know someone with bpd. But in fact it's one person who wrecks a lot of havoc because of the disorder. They are small in total number, but their impact is large.

Totally. (And one "tell" with BPD is a series of fractured relationships. That's how in part I could tell the difference between my stepmother (BPD) and my MIL (difficult person). MIL is difficult but tries her hardest to keep up relationships (even though her behavior can cause tension). A rupture or threatening a rupture is the last thing she'd ever do. Stepmother is a constant clusterf*ck of people who are exiled from her life or angels in her life. Classic BPD. If you met both socially, surely you'd think my stepmother were the nicer more "normal" one. Ha ha.