My husband is clueless

[Anonymous]

I dunno - I have a friend who would walk her dog around the block while her baby was sleeping in the crib.

That never struck me as horrible.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I have similar issues. I've been hyper vigilant about DD's safety (she's 18mo), and he just isn't that concerned. For example, with food, we are at complete opposite ends of the spectrum. I have a habit of seeing choking hazards everywhere and cutting up food smaller than is probably necessary, and he doesn't understand what the big deal is. He would cut up nothing (including grapes, hot dogs, other known hazards) if I didn't nag him to do so. I have to reason with him by using "the pediatrician's advice is..." on almost everything, because he considers my opinions to be overreactions due to my diagnosed PPA.

We're trying to meet in the middle, but sometimes his care-free attitude sends my anxiety off the charts.

[Anonymous]

The American Academy of Pediatrics has a book called "Caring for you baby and young child" that is a good basic resource on baby care. There is a section in there on safety precautions for infants - it's only a couple of pages long. I would have your husband read it.

[Anonymous]

I'm a nanny for first time dads and the one dad was SHOCKED that he couldn't just leave baby alone in his crib while he ran errands out and about. Apparently he'd done it several times before I got wind of it and shut it down hard. If you don't know, you don't know until someone teaches you.

[Anonymous]

My husband asked if we were supposed to trim DD's eyelashes. Thank god he does all the grocery shopping and cooking because honestly...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a nanny for first time dads and the one dad was SHOCKED that he couldn't just leave baby alone in his crib while he ran errands out and about. Apparently he'd done it several times before I got wind of it and shut it down hard. If you don't know, you don't know until someone teaches you.

For real, no, I'm sorry. Anyone with half a brain could figure this out. I can see it being a question about walking the dog, but running errands? That's insanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:too much drama op. i am sure you are not as perfect as you think and he is not as bad as you say

Who said that she is perfect? Sometimes its fucking common sense which clearly her husband,doesn't have

[Anonymous]

For the leaving a napping baby, I'd leave it at the legal issue. It's against the law to leave a young kid (younger than 10, maybe? look it up in your jurisdiction) alone. You just can't do it. In part because I'm going to guess that one of your reasons is, 'what if the house caught fire?' which statistically isn't likely at all (and could kill the baby even if you were home), so probably isn't persuasive and maybe even encourages more eye-rolling.

[Anonymous]

Op - your DH is a stupid idiotic baster. I hope you tell him that.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

I had a similar experience with my DH. He means well, and really was trying, but would do things that made me livid. For example he once ran an errand with DD in the car seat and left her in the running car for about 5 minutes while he dropped something off. I immediately made him aware that this was absolutely unacceptable, and like PP suggested I came at it from the legal angle, showing him articles and telling him stories about people I know that have had CPS called for such a situation. That really got his attention, he had no idea.

It's honestly a huge learning curve and you have to be careful to not flame him every minute for the small things (I'm talking about not wiping up spitup or something, not leaving kid in car) because it wears on them and in my case he said it made him feel really inadequate when he was trying his best.

My DD is now 2 and DH is much better with her, especially now that she can communicate and tell him her needs (e.g. I'm hungry). Every time we get in the car I check the car seat straps and gently remind him when they are not correct. Repeat repeat repeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a ftm, our dd is 6 months old now. From her birth I feel like I have had to teach my husband everything. He's never been around babies before so I expected him to need help learning how to change a diaper or make a bottle, etc and I was happy to show him all of that. It was cute to see him learn how to hold her and care for her. But now I have to remind him of basic safety precautions regularly (don't leave a baby that can roll on the couch unattended etc). I try to tell myself that I need to let go and trust him to figure it out, but sometimes I am genuinely fearful for my daughter's well being.

Today he asked me if I thought it would be okay if he left to run a quick errand while DD was napping. Alone. No other adults present. I nearly died. And then I had to try and remain calm while I told him absolutely not and list all the reasons why that would be so dangerous. I love my husband, I really do. And he is normally a really smart guy. But I need him to get with the program and I don't know how to make that happen. I hate feeling like a nag and I hate what this is doing to our relationship. I've tried to have a normal conversation with him but it doesn't seem to sink in. Am I just being crazy? Anyone else have these problems? Suggestions?

You might try thinking about it like this.

When your baby was a newborn, your husband had to learn the newborn stuff. How to change diapers. How to feed her. How to hold her. How to put her to sleep. She is now 6 months old, which marked a very real transition for my first (second due any day now). The routines and requirements were different starting about then. What she ate was different. How she slept was different. How she was able to play was different. Things that used to be safe were not safe anymore. Then 6 months later, she learned how to walk, and a lot of things changed again. It's a constant readjustment process that is on a 4-6 month cycle. You might be more attuned to it than he is.

I think that your first mistake was being the expert who taught him all the newborn stuff in the first place. He now sees you as the book where he can get all the answers, so he asks you, and then you feel frustrated with his supposed incompetence. Would you feel less frustrated if he was asking someone else, or looking in a book? I think it's realistic for you to have a conversation with him about basic common sense things. Your baby is mobile or close to mobile so no, he shouldn't leave her in a place where she could fall, and leaving a baby alone in a house is not appropriate unless you're going no further than like, the car in the driveway or the mailbox or something. But one way or another, you set yourself up as the expert early on and really should not be particularly surprised that he now relies on you for information.

[Anonymous]

Men just aren't wired like we are. They don't think or rationalize the same way we do. Basic things (like leaving a sleeping child home alone) are ludicrous to us, but a man really might ponder the idea. I'm sure most of us mothers have heard our DH's say we are too soft or too protective over our little ones. A mother tends to smother and soothe and worry about everything. We are nurturers. Men simply aren't wired that way and lack some of the natural thoughts that we have (just like we lack some natural thoughts that they have). As another PP said, 90% of the time, a dad's lack of assertiveness or lack of extra caution is fine and causes the child no harm. Sometimes, you do need to intervene.

If I were you, (and I'm not sure if you are doing this), I'd stop nagging him about every little thing. He won't parent the way you parent and he won't do things the way you do. We as women have to accept that. When it comes to the more serious health, welfare and safety concerns (leaving the child alone), when he asks you, or if you notice it happening, tell him it can't happen and why. It sounds crazy, but honestly, I've learned that men really don't get it.

This brings me back to when our 5 year old DD was a baby...DH used to wipe her from back to front instead of front to back. It was such a hard habit to break and I was so worried about DD getting infections or irritation in her privates from being wiped incorrectly. DH really didn't think it was a big deal at all. Eventually he got it together and stopped doing it, but it's just a testament to how different moms and dads are!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Relax. You all will be fine and when kid number two comes you'll be the one leaving him on the couch and you'll nearly forget to pack kid number 3 in the car on your way to the grocery store. And soon your sweet baby will morph into a toddler whose sole mission is to end his little life even with all your best safety efforts in place. This toddler will also laugh at you as they are dangling from the ceiling fan while waving about your sharpest pair of scissors.

I too had much more infant/small childcare experience than my husband when our first was born and worried and flipped out all the time, but he learned, and is an awesome dad. He's also been a rockstar at parenting our teenage nephew.

Let him do more and instead of giving him the answers have him think it through.

This is key. I am trying to do this more, instead of answering inane questions. When you're tired, it's easier to just provide the answer...so that you have to exercise your diminished mental capacity on the kids more than your DH. But making your DH realize that taking care of kids is just common sense will pay dividends long-term. Also letting him f-up (though leaving a 6 month old at home is not an f-up I would tolerate).

NP here. How likely is he to do that though? You've trained him not to think about anything with the baby, but to just rely on you to figure things out. He probably thinks it's safer to keep baby in the crin as opposed to bringing him with her and caring for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dunno - I have a friend who would walk her dog around the block while her baby was sleeping in the crib.

That never struck me as horrible.

It's an entirely cultural. Here in America for the most part we don't do this . Should add this is a fairly recent development within the last 25 years. In Europe where leaving the baby in it's crib without mom or dad is not unheard of and nobody flips over it.

[Anonymous]

With my first child, I found the "What to expect" books very helpful. It goes month by month through the first year of a baby's life. I even got the book from the same series for year #2. My husband didn't read it but I'd share information with him that I found helpful. Would your husband be willing to read something like that? It covers pretty much every topic you can think of, and safety is definitely a top priority so it may help him understand the various hazards without you having to explain or nag about everything. These books are really well written, easy to read with very practical examples, and you can even search by key words in the index.

https://www.amazon.com/What-Expect-First-Year-Second/dp/0761152121/ref=pd_sim_14_3?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0761152121&pd_rd_r=YXM4QVW7E3022YK034QA&pd_rd_w=2rBlt&pd_rd_wg=bsD3N&psc=1&refRID=YXM4QVW7E3022YK034QA