Parents aren't supposed to have a favorite child, but...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's tough, OP.

I feel immensely guilty that I get WAY more annoyed with my Aspie and severely inattentive son, who doesn't have a mean bone in his body and is super gentle, than with his normally-developing sister, who talks back and bounces around noisily.

It's so draining to have to repeat myself a thousand times, and explain all kinds of things that should be obvious to any normal person, that it's a relief when I can have a functional relationship with my daughter, and use verbal shortcuts and non-verbal gestures to rapidly make myself understood. Sometimes we don't even communicate and we still understand one another.

I do connect with my son on academic things. He's the little professor type. It's just all formal and regimented and typed out in triplicate.

I could have written this. As nuts as our daughter makes me, she is still easier to deal with, as a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. It also sucks that my difficult son is the older one because he is a terrible role model for his younger brother. It just sucks.

I also have this dynamic. Being with the younger one is such a relief. I can't believe how easy parenting is when I'm with him. I pity the older one. He is incapable of happiness.

NP and same here .. sorta. Except younger son has ADHD. He gets wound up and is very, very obstinate, so can frequently be a handful, but at least he doesn't have the drama. They just started summer camp today and you'd think we were sending them to Siberia the way my older DS was going on and on. I've walked him through the schedule multiple times - both daily schedule and the schedule for the summer. I've written out all of the field trips on the calendar. This isn't a new place, just summer camp at the same TKD place they go to regularly for lessons. But oh my god ... this morning he's going on about how we're sending him to a death camp. And we're making him wear shorts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My older sibling would probably now be diagnosed on the autism spectrum. Back in the dark ages, it was just "difficult child." I was the good kid. My parents tried not to compare us, but it was obvious how they felt, and it damaged our sibling relationship as well as our relationships with our parents. They loved us both, but.

Take a break. Get some therapy. Do something to figure out what you like more in your least-favorite kid. It's important.

Wow .. I could have written this. I developed a lot of anxiety that I still struggle with today. I moved out when I was 18 and never went back because it was so painful for me. I'm not very close to my father and brother. Of course now my kids also have anxiety, especially my oldest. When he starts being verbally abusive, I really struggle with thinking about him turning out like my brother but I have no idea how to get a handle on it. Fortunately my younger son is pretty independent and strong-willed, so I'm less worried about damaging him with this dynamic.

[Anonymous]

I have a sibling on the spectrum- I can never begin to communicate the struggles and messed up family dynamics of a less and more favored child- especially the profound and lifelong guilt and anger of being the "normal" kid.
If you think all of your children aren't aware of your feelings, think again.

[Anonymous]

This is a very eye opening thread. To PPs who had this dynamic growing up how do you think parents can prevent what you went through? What can we do now while the children are still young?

Our child with SN is always going to be more "work" but we want to make sure all of them feel equally loved.

[Anonymous]

I could have written some of the previous posts about being in a sibling dynamic with an SN kid. My older sister has ADHD and anxiety. She is also very strong-willed. She was mean to my parents often, couldn't get it together academically, and was kind of hyper and all over the place. I was the 'good kid', the 'easy kid', the one who made them happy by doing whatever they wanted. Become a first rate cellist even though I'm not musical? Okay, will try to please you. Need a child who gets all As to compensate for the poorly performing kid? Okay, will work super hard to do that. Want a kid that is good at sports? Okay, will try to deliver that too. While I am way happier to have been the 'good kid' rather than in my sister's position, that role was also a LOT of pressure (and actually still is). I sort of felt, though, that I had to help my parents out and fulfill all their expectations since it was so upsetting to them to see my sister fulfill none of their expectations.

My parents' relationship with my sister is still dicey. My relationship with my sister is also not that great (although we try). But really, a lot of our family relationships in adulthood have suffered because of this dynamic when we were kids.

What is most painful for my sister is that my parents could never see all of the amazing things that she did because they were blinded by her issues. She won a national award and ended up being a top rate engineer eventually.

Here's what my parents did wrong for those who want to avoid it:
-- Didn't do enough self-care (therapy) to work through their own feelings about my sister's shortcomings.
-- Weren't very good at helping her find things that she liked and then supporting her and doing them with her to build their relationship with her. Her interests were very different from hers and they needed to go out of their way (but didn't).
-- Didn't rejoice enough in the special qualities that make my sister a wonderful person.
-- Weren't prepared for the adolescent years when things got really bad with my sister. They should have been shoring up good experiences with her for what they knew would be a hard time.
-- And again, not enough self-care. My mom was anxious and became kind of depressed during my sister's adolescence. This just made a bad situation worse.

But hindsight is twenty-twenty. Personally, I really admire all of you that have kids with SNs and have multiple children. When I had early hints that DS might have special needs, I stuck with one.

[Anonymous]

PP, thanks for those recommendations on self-care and supporting the strengths of the more difficult child.

NP here--we have an older DD who is anxious and defiant. Infant DS seems to have a much more mellow personality, smiles a lot--huge contrast to her. I worry about how our struggles with her impact all of us and will try to take your advice!

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel your pain. We're in a similar situation. The older child makes life unbearable at times because of her impulsive behavior, emotional outbursts that are very verbally abusive. I often feel humiliated. Young child is complete opposite-sweet, funny, cooperative, does and says things are a very loving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try respite care, OP.

Do you have recommendations? Not the OP but we are in a similar situation. No one in the family can babysit because they can't handle DD's behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel your pain. We're in a similar situation. The older child makes life unbearable at times because of her impulsive behavior, emotional outbursts that are very verbally abusive. I often feel humiliated. Young child is complete opposite-sweet, funny, cooperative, does and says things are a very loving.

+1. Parents of two easy going kids have no clue what we go through on a daily basis. Sometimes it's so frustrating and annoying to hear friends complain of behavior issues that we could only dream of having.