Parents aren't supposed to have a favorite child, but...

[Anonymous]

How can we not when one of our boys happily goes on errands with us, is patient, considerate, helpful etc, while the other (who struggles with anxiety and OCD) is always irritable, resistant to doing things with the family and sometime mean and verbally abusive to us? Yes we love both our children the same, but I'm sad to say that on any given day I'd prefer to spend my time with the more pleasant child. It's sad to feel that way. How do others deal with the dynamics of an easy and difficult kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can we not when one of our boys happily goes on errands with us, is patient, considerate, helpful etc, while the other (who struggles with anxiety and OCD) is always irritable, resistant to doing things with the family and sometime mean and verbally abusive to us? Yes we love both our children the same, but I'm sad to say that on any given day I'd prefer to spend my time with the more pleasant child. It's sad to feel that way. How do others deal with the dynamics of an easy and difficult kid?

Sounds normal to me. Trade off take each child with your spouse. Favorite or not, both children need your individual attention regularly.

[Anonymous]

That's tough, OP.

I feel immensely guilty that I get WAY more annoyed with my Aspie and severely inattentive son, who doesn't have a mean bone in his body and is super gentle, than with his normally-developing sister, who talks back and bounces around noisily.

It's so draining to have to repeat myself a thousand times, and explain all kinds of things that should be obvious to any normal person, that it's a relief when I can have a functional relationship with my daughter, and use verbal shortcuts and non-verbal gestures to rapidly make myself understood. Sometimes we don't even communicate and we still understand one another.

I do connect with my son on academic things. He's the little professor type. It's just all formal and regimented and typed out in triplicate.

[Anonymous]

Op here. It also sucks that my difficult son is the older one because he is a terrible role model for his younger brother. It just sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. It also sucks that my difficult son is the older one because he is a terrible role model for his younger brother. It just sucks.

I also have this dynamic. Being with the younger one is such a relief. I can't believe how easy parenting is when I'm with him. I pity the older one. He is incapable of happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. It also sucks that my difficult son is the older one because he is a terrible role model for his younger brother. It just sucks.

OP, it sounds like your younger one is very aware and is probably taking it upon himself to over compensate.

Try to give praise and feedback about what is special about both your kids and not in terms that helps you. This means you don't compliment the young son for being helpful or pleasant but on what is distinctly him.

[Anonymous]

OP, we struggle with this too - exact same dynamic.

I have no words of wisdom. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes the well behaved one is well behaved because the sibling is not. If the first one was well behaved, the second one might not have been- and vice versa. There is this dynamic even among NT siblings.

Both of my children are SN but not the same SN. We had this dynamic and when I spoke of it to our therapist, she said it was "perfectly normal". It may help you to think that the "good one" is being "good" for a mischievous reason.

[Anonymous]

Has your oldest his puberty yet? For me, the dynamic intensified with my oldest with the SN hit his teenaged years. Hormones are required for development but they have made him even more difficult to be around. I have my wall of unemotionality up pretty much all the time. It's rare that he's pleasant. I usually look forward to him just being surly. His younger siblings, on the other hand, are SO much more fun and pleasant to be around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has your oldest his puberty yet? For me, the dynamic intensified with my oldest with the SN hit his teenaged years. Hormones are required for development but they have made him even more difficult to be around. I have my wall of unemotionality up pretty much all the time. It's rare that he's pleasant. I usually look forward to him just being surly. His younger siblings, on the other hand, are SO much more fun and pleasant to be around.

Op here, yes he is 13 and hit puberty and is even more unpleasant than normal. I agree that I need to ignore and be less emotional, but it's so hard as I have anxiety also. I've been in therapy and on meds for years, but those things can only help so much when the problems are in your face on a daily basis.

[Anonymous]

My older sibling would probably now be diagnosed on the autism spectrum. Back in the dark ages, it was just "difficult child." I was the good kid. My parents tried not to compare us, but it was obvious how they felt, and it damaged our sibling relationship as well as our relationships with our parents. They loved us both, but.

Take a break. Get some therapy. Do something to figure out what you like more in your least-favorite kid. It's important.

[Anonymous]

Just remember this dynamic is not specific to SN families. It happens in almost all. I'm one of three NT kids and my younger brother was the definite favorite.

[Anonymous]

My SN son is the easier one. He is so sweet. His brother is super duper smart and a rule tester. I am so tired of having to constantly reprimand him for shit he knows perfectly well not to do.

[Anonymous]

Try respite care, OP.

[Anonymous]

What makes the situation more difficult is that you feel guilty for preferring the NT child over the SN one, making you feel like a bad human being as well as a bad parent.