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[quote=Anonymous]I could have written some of the previous posts about being in a sibling dynamic with an SN kid. My older sister has ADHD and anxiety. She is also very strong-willed.  She was mean to my parents often, couldn't get it together academically, and was kind of hyper and all over the place. I was the 'good kid', the 'easy kid', the one who made them happy by doing whatever they wanted. Become a first rate cellist even though I'm not musical? Okay, will try to please you. Need a child who gets all As to compensate for the poorly performing kid? Okay, will work super hard to do that. Want a kid that is good at sports? Okay, will try to deliver that too.  While I am way happier to have been the 'good kid' rather than in my sister's position, that role was also a LOT of pressure (and actually still is).  I sort of felt, though, that I had to help my parents out and fulfill all their expectations since it was so upsetting to them to see my sister fulfill none of their expectations.

My parents' relationship with my sister is still dicey. My relationship with my sister is also not that great (although we try). But really, a lot of our family relationships in adulthood have suffered because of this dynamic when we were kids.

What is most painful for my sister is that my parents could never see all of the amazing things that she did because they were blinded by her issues. She won a national award and ended up being a top rate engineer eventually.

Here's what my parents did wrong for those who want to avoid it:
-- Didn't do enough self-care (therapy) to work through their own feelings about my sister's shortcomings. 
-- Weren't very good at helping her find things that she liked and then supporting her and doing them with her to build their relationship with her. Her interests were very different from hers and they needed to go out of their way (but didn't). 
-- Didn't rejoice enough in the special qualities that make my sister a wonderful person. 
-- Weren't prepared for the adolescent years when things got really bad with my sister. They should have been shoring up good experiences with her for what they knew would be a hard time. 
-- And again, not enough self-care. My mom was anxious and became kind of depressed during my sister's adolescence. This just made a bad situation worse.

But hindsight is twenty-twenty. Personally, I really admire all of you that have kids with SNs and have multiple children. When I had early hints that DS might have special needs, I stuck with one. [/quote]

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