Private Investigator Recommendation Re Divorce

[Anonymous]

OP. I get why you want to know. Living with a person who is cheating is crazy-making. They tell you all the time that what you feel or think or intuit is not correct. I'm sure if you confronted your H, he would turn on you and accuse you of being jealous without reason, violating his privacy, not trusting him, etc. When that kind of gaslighting has gone on for a long time, you begin to doubt yourself and whether the sky is really blue.

There are many things you can do to "catch" your DH w/o a PI. Look at his phone bill and reverse search the phone numbers. Install a keylogger on any home shared computer. Check computer browser hostory regularly. Check find my iphone. Check credit card bills and bank withdrawls for telling expenditures.

All this takes a lot of time. Time that may be better spent on yourself - therapy to cope with living with a liar and to plot your comeback out of this relationship. Time to brush up on skills and look for a job, etc.

Frankly, if he has told you that he is sleeping at the office and you are able to see from find my iphone that he is not where he said he'd be, that is enough to end the relationship. A marriage cannot be built on deceit. That alone should make you feel entirely justified in filing for divorce.

So, finding hard evidence about the affair might give you a certain sense of peace about filing, and it might give you some kind of emotional leverage in negotiating custody and asset split, but, legally, having evidence of infidelity doesn't really have an impact (except in VA where it can speed required timelines, I think).

If your funds are limited, it might be better to spend a few hindred dollars on a consult with a divorce attorney rather than a PI. An hour or two with an attorney can help you understand the divorce process, custody, child support, alimony, etc. and what kind of documents to gather and steps to take to prepare.

So sorry you are going theu this. It is traumatic. Try and focus your time and energy on making your life the best it can be with or without him.

[Anonymous]

What are you hoping to get out of this?

Validation that he's cheating so that you know you were right? Why does it matter if you were right? You know he's lying. Isn't that enough?

Are you trying to get something out of him in a divorce settlement? If so, what? Cheating isn't going to cause him to lose custody of any kids you have. It MAY expedite the divorce, but it's not likely to get you more money.

Invest your energy in healing emotionally. Save your money for rebuilding your life after the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are you hoping to get out of this?

Validation that he's cheating so that you know you were right? Why does it matter if you were right? You know he's lying. Isn't that enough?

Are you trying to get something out of him in a divorce settlement? If so, what? Cheating isn't going to cause him to lose custody of any kids you have. It MAY expedite the divorce, but it's not likely to get you more money.

Invest your energy in healing emotionally. Save your money for rebuilding your life after the divorce.

OP here, I know that you are right I just need closure. I actually have more non liquid assets than him and he travels so much for work that I would get custody. My daughter told me about randomly meeting a friend of daddy's twice and they went to play in the park. I'm just trying to get all my ducks in a row. Before I confront him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's probably an apartment building. So she can't get that from find my iPhone. Sleeping in the office, that's an old one!

It's not "Find your iPhone." You can actually get a detailed map that has a pinpoint for every place you've been to, and when you were there:

http://blog.chron.com/techblog/2013/10/your-iphone-knows-where-youve-been-puts-it-on-a-map/

A similar functionality is included with Android.

[Anonymous]

I always wondered if you could hire a task rabbit for this. Then I kinda want to be a task rabbit that does this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm looking for a private dective for a few hours. I know where my husbands car has been parked for hours each night thanks to the find my iphone app but I need to know what house/apartment he is going into. I dont have a lot of money -he watches every penny like a hawk but I do have some stashed away. Im in DC

Take a screen save of the iPhone app which shows his location at a certain time. If he says he was sleeping at the office, show him the screen save and ask WTF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you hoping to get out of this?

Validation that he's cheating so that you know you were right? Why does it matter if you were right? You know he's lying. Isn't that enough?

Are you trying to get something out of him in a divorce settlement? If so, what? Cheating isn't going to cause him to lose custody of any kids you have. It MAY expedite the divorce, but it's not likely to get you more money.

Invest your energy in healing emotionally. Save your money for rebuilding your life after the divorce.

OP here, I know that you are right I just need closure. I actually have more non liquid assets than him and he travels so much for work that I would get custody. My daughter told me about randomly meeting a friend of daddy's twice and they went to play in the park. I'm just trying to get all my ducks in a row. Before I confront him.

Well, I would think about what you really want out of the situation.

If you are certain that you want to divorce, and you are concerned about your STBX exposing your child to new romantic partners prematurely, you could try to have a clause put into your custody agreement that neither of you will introduce romantic partners to your child until the relationship has been exclusive for a certain amount of time and that the other parent will be notified of the introduction in advance. You can also put a clause in that specifies that no overnights with new partners will occur until the relationship has been exclusive for a certain amount of time/has passed a certain milestone/etc. The catch to those kinds of clauses is that they're very difficult if not impossible to enforce and also they will apply to you as well. Be careful what you ask for.

If you want a certain amount of custody, you can probably find other justifications for that than his having an affair and hiring a PI to get proof. What I will say is that in a lot of areas, if a parent WANTS joint custody, many courts are likely to consider that the default these days. If he travels a lot and you are concerned about your child being left regularly with strangers/his girlfriend/his mom, you can put a right of first refusal clause in your custody agreement, which means that he has to offer that time to you first and is only allowed to offer it to others if you decline.

FWIW we had a right of first refusal clause that I've exercised several times when my ex traveled and wanted to leave DD with various people (friends, his girlfriend) during "his time." In all those instances, I told him that I wanted the time. My personal policy is that unless there is a really serious reason, I never turn down time with DD if he's giving it away. I think the only times I've done so in 5 years have been once when I had the flu and another time when I was out of town myself. We don't have any kind of clause about when either of us could introduce romantic partners, but we did have an informal agreement to let each other know if/when that happened and to hold off on overnights until it was serious. For me, that was about 6 months of no overnights. For him, it was more like 3 months, which I wasn't wild about but because it wasn't in the agreement and she was young enough that she didn't really notice anything, I didn't complain.

Either way, I'd forget about the PI plan and use your money to talk to a lawyer about what your options actually are in your situation.

[Anonymous]

Look at the phone bill and do reverse phone number look ups. See if anything comes up near that apartment building.

[Anonymous]

For one you already know he's lying. If it were a friend he would say, "I stopped at so and so's house". OP I think it's great you are doing this. This gives you information on the type of person your married. Now you can make a decision or at least start putting some money away, or change your circumstances so you can leave in a better way.

How about going there yourself? Taking a taxi would be cheaper if you can't find someone. If it's an apt. how are you going to find out who lives there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you hoping to get out of this?

Validation that he's cheating so that you know you were right? Why does it matter if you were right? You know he's lying. Isn't that enough?

Are you trying to get something out of him in a divorce settlement? If so, what? Cheating isn't going to cause him to lose custody of any kids you have. It MAY expedite the divorce, but it's not likely to get you more money.

Invest your energy in healing emotionally. Save your money for rebuilding your life after the divorce.

OP here, I know that you are right I just need closure. I actually have more non liquid assets than him and he travels so much for work that I would get custody. My daughter told me about randomly meeting a friend of daddy's twice and they went to play in the park. I'm just trying to get all my ducks in a row. Before I confront him.

Well, I would think about what you really want out of the situation.

If you are certain that you want to divorce, and you are concerned about your STBX exposing your child to new romantic partners prematurely, you could try to have a clause put into your custody agreement that neither of you will introduce romantic partners to your child until the relationship has been exclusive for a certain amount of time and that the other parent will be notified of the introduction in advance. You can also put a clause in that specifies that no overnights with new partners will occur until the relationship has been exclusive for a certain amount of time/has passed a certain milestone/etc. The catch to those kinds of clauses is that they're very difficult if not impossible to enforce and also they will apply to you as well. Be careful what you ask for.

If you want a certain amount of custody, you can probably find other justifications for that than his having an affair and hiring a PI to get proof. What I will say is that in a lot of areas, if a parent WANTS joint custody, many courts are likely to consider that the default these days. If he travels a lot and you are concerned about your child being left regularly with strangers/his girlfriend/his mom, you can put a right of first refusal clause in your custody agreement, which means that he has to offer that time to you first and is only allowed to offer it to others if you decline.

FWIW we had a right of first refusal clause that I've exercised several times when my ex traveled and wanted to leave DD with various people (friends, his girlfriend) during "his time." In all those instances, I told him that I wanted the time. My personal policy is that unless there is a really serious reason, I never turn down time with DD if he's giving it away. I think the only times I've done so in 5 years have been once when I had the flu and another time when I was out of town myself. We don't have any kind of clause about when either of us could introduce romantic partners, but we did have an informal agreement to let each other know if/when that happened and to hold off on overnights until it was serious. For me, that was about 6 months of no overnights. For him, it was more like 3 months, which I wasn't wild about but because it wasn't in the agreement and she was young enough that she didn't really notice anything, I didn't complain.

Either way, I'd forget about the PI plan and use your money to talk to a lawyer about what your options actually are in your situation.

Great post. +1 to all. I'm sure in the moment it will feel satisfying to catch him red-handed (if you even do) but how will this information be of constructive use to you? It almost certainly will not in court.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm looking for a private dective for a few hours. I know where my husbands car has been parked for hours each night thanks to the find my iphone app but I need to know what house/apartment he is going into. I dont have a lot of money -he watches every penny like a hawk but I do have some stashed away. Im in DC

Take a screen save of the iPhone app which shows his location at a certain time. If he says he was sleeping at the office, show him the screen save and ask WTF?

NO no no. That will only make him more cautious and he will start meeting the gf somewhere else. Never show your hand. He'll make up something anyways. Oh that's Joe I had to visit from whatever...

She needs to get to the bottom of it herself. If it's a woman who she doesn't know then he's cheating. I would go there myself and take some binoculars. If it's a house wait and see him coming out or if someone goes to the door with him etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Come on people. Can't one of us do this for her?

I wish someone would- he said he has been sleeping in his office multiple time a week.

I think you know that he is cheating based solely on the fact that you know his car is not at the office where he claims to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you hoping to get out of this?

Validation that he's cheating so that you know you were right? Why does it matter if you were right? You know he's lying. Isn't that enough?

Are you trying to get something out of him in a divorce settlement? If so, what? Cheating isn't going to cause him to lose custody of any kids you have. It MAY expedite the divorce, but it's not likely to get you more money.

Invest your energy in healing emotionally. Save your money for rebuilding your life after the divorce.

OP here, I know that you are right I just need closure. I actually have more non liquid assets than him and he travels so much for work that I would get custody. My daughter told me about randomly meeting a friend of daddy's twice and they went to play in the park. I'm just trying to get all my ducks in a row. Before I confront him.

You're right OP. I would hope I was mistaken, but I would need 100% proof though sounds like he's been doing this awhile. That's horrible he would have them around your daughter, that's bad especially being married. On the up side you are right. I got divorced and got full physical custody because my ex traveled a lot. You're in a good position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm looking for a private dective for a few hours. I know where my husbands car has been parked for hours each night thanks to the find my iphone app but I need to know what house/apartment he is going into. I dont have a lot of money -he watches every penny like a hawk but I do have some stashed away. Im in DC

"each night". Does he think you're stupid? OP he sounds like a disgusting pig. Do what my friend did. She located his truck and sat right there until he came out. Whatever you do OP, don't sleep with him again. Very risky for your health.

[Anonymous]

How does Find my iPhone work so that I could see where my spouse's phone is?