Reply to Private Investigator Recommendation Re Divorce

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What are you hoping to get out of this?

Validation that he's cheating so that you know you were right? Why does it matter if you were right? You know he's lying. Isn't that enough?

Are you trying to get something out of him in a divorce settlement? If so, what? Cheating isn't going to cause him to lose custody of any kids you have. It MAY expedite the divorce, but it's not likely to get you more money.

Invest your energy in healing emotionally. Save your money for rebuilding your life after the divorce.[/quote]

OP here, I know that you are right I just need closure. I actually have more non liquid assets than him and he travels so much for work that I would get custody. My daughter told me about randomly meeting a friend of daddy's twice and they went to play in the park.  I'm just trying to get all my ducks in a row. Before I confront him. [/quote]

Well, I would think about what you really want out of the situation.

If you are certain that you want to divorce, and you are concerned about your STBX exposing your child to new romantic partners prematurely, you could try to have a clause put into your custody agreement that neither of you will introduce romantic partners to your child until the relationship has been exclusive for a certain amount of time and that the other parent will be notified of the introduction in advance. You can also put a clause in that specifies that no overnights with new partners will occur until the relationship has been exclusive for a certain amount of time/has passed a certain milestone/etc. The catch to those kinds of clauses is that they're very difficult if not impossible to enforce and also they will apply to you as well. Be careful what you ask for.

If you want a certain amount of custody, you can probably find other justifications for that than his having an affair and hiring a PI to get proof. What I will say is that in a lot of areas, if a parent WANTS joint custody, many courts are likely to consider that the default these days. If he travels a lot and you are concerned about your child being left regularly with strangers/his girlfriend/his mom, you can put a right of first refusal clause in your custody agreement, which means that he has to offer that time to you first and is only allowed to offer it to others if you decline.

FWIW we had a right of first refusal clause that I've exercised several times when my ex traveled and wanted to leave DD with various people (friends, his girlfriend) during "his time." In all those instances, I told him that I wanted the time. My personal policy is that unless there is a really serious reason, I never turn down time with DD if he's giving it away. I think the only times I've done so in 5 years have been once when I had the flu and another time when I was out of town myself. We don't have any kind of clause about when either of us could introduce romantic partners, but we did have an informal agreement to let each other know if/when that happened and to hold off on overnights until it was serious. For me, that was about 6 months of no overnights. For him, it was more like 3 months, which I wasn't wild about but because it wasn't in the agreement and she was young enough that she didn't really notice anything, I didn't complain.

Either way, I'd forget about the PI plan and use your money to talk to a lawyer about what your options actually are in your situation.[/quote]

Great post. +1 to all. I'm sure in the moment it will feel satisfying to catch him red-handed (if you even do) but how will this information be of constructive use to you? It almost certainly will not in court. [/quote]

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