Turning 40 next week and feeling depressed

Anonymous wrote:I'm turning 40 next week and feeling depressed about it. I have a good life but there are a few things that didn't go as planned (such as my secondary infertility struggle in trying to have a second child). My goal was to decide whether or not we're pursuing adoption or donor egg with gestational surrogate by the time I turned 40 but I still cannot decide, it's such a big decision and I've been thinking about which path is better for months now. We've been TTC a second child for almost 4 years. I also feel very lonely and wish I had more close friends, and a better career.

When I saw your title, my first thought was "try 46! it gets harder" But honestly, I went through hell trying to have kids... and ended up having them through gestational surrogate at age 39. I feel like I became distant or alienated from most of my friends - it's hard to relate to others & for others to relate to you in those circumstances, and also having a young kid can be alienation/distancing from others regardless. So first of all, hugs, so many people really really really do not get how emotionally and physically draining infertility can be, and are trite, intentionally or unintentionally unkind in their responses. It took us 2 full years to go through the process (the agency we worked with said average is 18-24 months - you have to 'match', do screenings, etc before even doing the IVF). I never intended to have children on the older side, but life and health reasons got me on that path. Depression and loneliness are hard. I made two sort of friends - one who had a kid via GC and another also doing it at the time - who felt like lifelines to me... but then we didn't keep in touch after. And honestly, going through the process gave me back some sense of 'control' (lack of a better word) and purpose that helped me. And therapy. I feel like now that my kids are in early elem. I'm finally spending some quality adult time with others again & enjoying it. (and my career is 'fine' but totally stalled.)

Anyway, just to say, there are others that can relate - life didn't go the way I expected in many ways -- whatever path you choose to take, support can sometimes be found where you don't expect it, & it's worth looking for whatever you decide.

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05/16/2017 15:20

Subject: Re:Turning 40 next week and feeling depressed

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Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:Cheer up OP, you could be turning 50 instead.

Or OP could not be celebrating a birthday and be 6 feet under now.

Seriously.

I've had two friends who buried their husbands about 15 years ago, when we all were in our early 30s. It kind of put things into perspective for me.

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05/16/2017 15:32

Subject: Re:Turning 40 next week and feeling depressed

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Anonymous

Here you go:
From the Economist
The U-bend of life
Why, beyond middle age, people get happier as they get older
http://www.economist.com/node/17722567

As usual in my life, I am lagging the curve with things still slipping downward at age 54. But still among the living!

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05/16/2017 15:35

Subject: Turning 40 next week and feeling depressed

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Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:so much naval gazing. insufferable.

Yeah OP, why do you keep gazing at ships and sailors all the time. So insufferable.

Ha! Love it!

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05/16/2017 18:01

Subject: Turning 40 next week and feeling depressed

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Anonymous

I am 44 and loving my 40s. I didn't feel great when I turned 40 but decided to do something about it. I started crossfit, quit sugar and decided to do a big push with my career. It has been life changing. The way I feel about myself has changed and I am now earning a lot more, effective doubling my salary in 4 years. I also need to colour my hair more frequently and my skin doesn't always look the best but a change in my attitude has changed my life.

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05/16/2017 18:30

Subject: Turning 40 next week and feeling depressed

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Anonymous

People get happier as they get older as they don't have to work. I would be happier if I didn't have to.
I am turning 32 soon and dreading it. I hate birthdays, find them very hard and depressing.

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05/16/2017 20:16

Subject: Turning 40 next week and feeling depressed

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Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:I'm turning 40 next week too

Me too! 40 next week, and I still feel like I'm no older than 25.

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05/16/2017 21:33

Subject: Turning 40 next week and feeling depressed

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Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:People get happier as they get older as they don't have to work. I would be happier if I didn't have to.
I am turning 32 soon and dreading it. I hate birthdays, find them very hard and depressing.

Also you aren't responsible for as much as your children are grown adults who you have to accept as they are.

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05/16/2017 21:39

Subject: Turning 40 next week and feeling depressed

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Anonymous

Forty is not as old as it used to be.

People now are living longer & looking better too!

Life is definitely not even close to over.

But realistically, you do need to make certain life changes much quicker than you did in your twenties.

Be grateful for life, good health & family companionship OP.
It's so much better than the alternative.
Really.