DH would not come to family Mother's Day celebration

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen, my husband is an introvert, and while he will willingly do family functions, he does also enjoy and need alone time to recharge. I wouldn't spring a last-minute thing on him like this.
I'm an extrovert, and last-minute social things don't phase me in the least, in fact I like them. DH and I respect that we have differences in these matters. He doesn't resent me for doing more social things, and I don't resent him for not always wanting to come along.
Again, if this had been a planned event, it would be understood that he would go.
No need for you to apologize, get defensive, or feel hurt.

This.

I bet if it were a situation where a DIL didn't want to go to an event for her spouse's MIL y'all would have NO problem saying she should be able to do what she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yes I understand it was last minute. At the same time it sucks to basically have him say he'd rather be by himself on Mother's Day rather than spend time with me and my family.

He spent the morning honoring you as planned. You want more-more-more...no. Not last minute, nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He spent time with you, and his relationship with his own mother is strained. Last minute plans. He gets a pass on this one. Be mad if you want, but to what end?

I would say the end is that OP, as a person with a strong relationship with her family, should tell her husband that on holidays like Mother's Day, it's important to her to spend time with family. As a person who has a strained relationship with his mother, her husband might not understand that on his own, but if it's important to OP, she should tell her husband that next year, even if it's last minute, buying socks has to wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I went out for breakfast this morning. This afternoon, my BIL was hosting a brunch with my mom and sister. DH refused to come, even after I asked him. He said he was looking forward to the "afternoon by himself." I am hurt because everyone else's spouse was there and he had no reason not to come.

He didn't want to. That's enough of a reason for an adult to not do something.

Wouldn't that be nice!?! That only works for an adult who lives alone with none of the responsibilities that come along with being married and part of a family. And one who is self employed, I should add.

[Anonymous]

I think being estranged from his own mother is the real reason, I could see how that would make it painful to be around a happy family.

[Anonymous]

So.... Is it possible he feels a little sad on mother's day BECAUSE he is estranged from his mother..
Maybe he needs a little time to himself to feel sad (ambivalent, frustrated, angry? ) by himself.
On this day that you are celebrating with your mom, maybe that is hard for him. Let's be honest, even if his parents suck, they still raised him.

[Anonymous]

You went to breakfast with DH this morning. Do you have children that also went along?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So.... Is it possible he feels a little sad on mother's day BECAUSE he is estranged from his mother..
Maybe he needs a little time to himself to feel sad (ambivalent, frustrated, angry? ) by himself.
On this day that you are celebrating with your mom, maybe that is hard for him. Let's be honest, even if his parents suck, they still raised him.

It's really sad to me that OP does not get this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So.... Is it possible he feels a little sad on mother's day BECAUSE he is estranged from his mother..
Maybe he needs a little time to himself to feel sad (ambivalent, frustrated, angry? ) by himself.
On this day that you are celebrating with your mom, maybe that is hard for him. Let's be honest, even if his parents suck, they still raised him.

It's really sad to me that OP does not get this.

Yeah, I'm struggling to see why OP is pushing so hard on this. The second I read that the husband has a strained relationship with his own mom, I knew that's what this might be about.

Dial it back OP. Find space to be gracious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I went out for breakfast this morning. This afternoon, my BIL was hosting a brunch with my mom and sister. DH refused to come, even after I asked him. He said he was looking forward to the "afternoon by himself." I am hurt because everyone else's spouse was there and he had no reason not to come.

He didn't want to. That's enough of a reason for an adult to not do something.

Wouldn't that be nice!?! That only works for an adult who lives alone with none of the responsibilities that come along with being married and part of a family. And one who is self employed, I should add.

Perhaps we have different views of what "family" entails but my idea of it does not mean that the husband must jump at every request his wife barks out. In my family we respect each other's personalities and own desires, which may include respecting someone who is introverted, doesn't like last minute plans, or doesn't enjoy a particular holiday because of his own sad upbringing. You may choose to dictate your husband's every move (I'll bet he loves that) but in every family, it is not the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yes I understand it was last minute. At the same time it sucks to basically have him say he'd rather be by himself on Mother's Day rather than spend time with me and my family.

He spent time with you this morning he picked out a gift and card for YOUR mother. Did you even consider for a moment that being around your family might be very difficult on mother's day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I went out for breakfast this morning. This afternoon, my BIL was hosting a brunch with my mom and sister. DH refused to come, even after I asked him. He said he was looking forward to the "afternoon by himself." I am hurt because everyone else's spouse was there and he had no reason not to come.

He didn't want to. That's enough of a reason for an adult to not do something.

Not really.

I don't want to do the dishes right now. I have an event of DH's later this week that I don't particularly want to go to either. However, since I am an adult that is part of a marriage and a family, washing dishes so that we have something to eat from tonight is important and going to an event with my DH is also important. What kind of adult just saying "Because I don't want to" and that's enough to avoid family events on days that are specifically designated for family?

You know what also marks an adult? The ability to be sensitive other people's emotional needs and balance that against our own wants. I've really fon't like that Mother's Day has turned into a me me me day the last 2 or 3 years.

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids?

[Anonymous]

Husband sounds selfish to me - and emotionally distant. This was a time where he needed to articulate his why's for not going as buying socks vs attending this family event doesn;t cut it. Those GUESSING he was a sad puppy because of his own mommy - nothing OP has written supports that (but Hallmark Channel runs movies with that premise all the time.) I don't think spending a day that celebrates the very genesis of family means that OP is being selfish: she sounded like being together was important to her and her family (and I cannot believe it was a 'first time ever' kind of invite

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I went out for breakfast this morning. This afternoon, my BIL was hosting a brunch with my mom and sister. DH refused to come, even after I asked him. He said he was looking forward to the "afternoon by himself." I am hurt because everyone else's spouse was there and he had no reason not to come.

He didn't want to. That's enough of a reason for an adult to not do something.

Wouldn't that be nice!?! That only works for an adult who lives alone with none of the responsibilities that come along with being married and part of a family. And one who is self employed, I should add.

Perhaps we have different views of what "family" entails but my idea of it does not mean that the husband must jump at every request his wife barks out. In my family we respect each other's personalities and own desires, which may include respecting someone who is introverted, doesn't like last minute plans, or doesn't enjoy a particular holiday because of his own sad upbringing. You may choose to dictate your husband's every move (I'll bet he loves that) but in every family, it is not the same.

No, I don't choose to dictate my husband's every move. Far from it. But if one of us has feelings about something that affects the other, we talk about it. I'd expect him to communicate what was behind his desire to opt out, and knowing his reason would help me to respect his wishes. Just saying "I don't want to" and leaving it that sounds selfish and belligerent on what is considered a family day. If OP feels he had no reason not to come, then he clearly internalized whatever reasons you suggest he may have had and left her guessing and, consequently, hurt. If communication isn't big in your relationship, then maybe that works for you, but it doesn't work for most.