Ever have a friend whose life seems so perfect it's hard to be around her sometimes?

[Anonymous]

Things are not always what they seem. Our kids are Honor Roll kids. We are deeply involved at church. We have a gorgeous house. But our marriage has been on the rocks for awhile now -- too much time devoted to work, sex life died, resentment built up. No one sees any of this. Your friend might have way more skeletons in the closet than you realize. And why bother wasting any time worrying about them anyway? Be good to you, for you...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why put yourself around someone that makes you feel less than?
My H is a highly educated man with a stellar education, some of his friends that he is still friends with married from within their school (Yale). Those women admittedly intimidate me. I could not be friends at least with 2 of them who are major intellectual snobs who think their lives are untouchable. They make me feel like crap and I am a fairly well educated gal.

So I am polite, see them when I must and do what is required but that's it. I don't believe in making myself be friends with anyone for any reason and if someone does not make me feel good/happy then it is just not a compatible friendship. Be nice do what you need to do but don't force yourself to be friends with her.

The difference is that the person OP describes is nice. OP's feelings are hers to own. No one can make you feel bad about yourself. You do it to yourself. There's a difference between avoiding someone because you don't like them and avoiding them because you feel inadequate.

[Anonymous]

So from your post it sounds like they have a lot of money. It's not exactly a secret that money makes things a LOT easier right? For one thing, it's supposed the #1 factor that couples fight about. If they have enough money though - enough for all of their needs and most of their wants - you can cross that item off their list. For another, it lets you buy things that make life easier, like a cleaning service or private school, or more pleasurable such as travel, Hamilton tickets, a big boat, etc. And finally, having a lot of money gives you a sense of security so they might not feel as stressed out as other people with money problems do, which in turn gives them more patience with each other and prevents them from bickering over little things.

Bottom line, if you're no where near their financial level, which is the sense I'm getting from your OP, you shouldn't compare yourself to them. It's like comparing apples and oranges. It's not fair to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Things are not always what they seem. Our kids are Honor Roll kids. We are deeply involved at church. We have a gorgeous house. But our marriage has been on the rocks for awhile now -- too much time devoted to work, sex life died, resentment built up. No one sees any of this. Your friend might have way more skeletons in the closet than you realize. And why bother wasting any time worrying about them anyway? Be good to you, for you...

And they might not. And that should be ok! This kind of thing always comes up in posts like this and it makes me shake my head. Guess what people, there ARE a lot of genuinely happy people in the world! Not everyone is secretly fighting an addiction to alcohol or has an abusive marriage or an extramarital affair that they're hiding in their closet (ahem, Big Little Lies). We ought to be able to be happy for our friends, even the ones who are super privileged and blessed with all the good things in life. If you can't be happy for your friends, then you're not really friends to begin with, are you?

[Anonymous]

There will always be someone who has it better than you, and someone who has it worse. Doesn't mean they are better/worse people than you. Focus on what you have - if you traded lives with her, you wouldn't have e.g. your nice kids and the husband you love.

[Anonymous]

OP, in case it makes you feel any better: My lifelong best friend ended up with much more money than me. Lovely family, multiple homes, travel--you get the picture. I had a hard time keeping my envy in check.

Last year friend discovered spouse had been cheating with a coworker, complete with diverted funds. Friend is now divorced and struggling financially.

Be careful what you wish for.

[Anonymous]

09.49, whilst I agree that yes, some people DO have very good lives, I don't believe any life is perfect. Nobody can have a constantly blissful marriage, career, family life, great money situation all the time. Nobody escapes some form of hardship. It's just some have it easier than others.

[Anonymous]

Schadenfreude isn't worth it. Honestly, if all the bad things that the PPs describe actually took place, would it make your life any better? Someone else's misfortune is not your good fortune, and vice versa. It's true, life is not fair, but think of the billions of people on this planet who would trade places with you in a heartbeat.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like they are very nice people who are super successful. All power to them and if they are lucky the behind the scenes story is good as well. Unless they shove their success in your face you should just relax. Chances are you are better off than 95% of the people on the planet and you should appreciate that fact. I went on a mission trip to Africa a few years ago and saw poverty I couldn't believe. I came back with the perspective of how incredibly lucky I am even if others have much more.

[Anonymous]

I think if you are in your thirties, childless, single and not doing great in your career, you feel it more and compare yourself to others who have achieved all those things.

[Anonymous]

My life is pretty perfect. We are all happy at work, we have normal, well-adjusted kids and a good life living within our means. We are middle-aged yet healthy and fit. I have never been good at making friends, and tend to collect needy people who look up to me. Eventually i think they are put off because i appear too perfect for them, while I am really just average. If i could find more average people to hang out with I probably would not seem so perfect.

[Anonymous]

So your friendship/social life isn't perfect, PP...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's ok. Deep inside at your core , you are competitive and you're getting your ass kicked by this individual. It's ok to be competitive and nobody wants to feel like a loser . In the grand scheme of things you are a winner but compared to this person you are a loser. You will never catch up since she is too far ahead. It's better to hang out with your own kind, that stuff can eat you alive.

I actually kind of agree with this poster's assessment of the situation, but on the other hand I have a little bit of a different attitude about how to address it.

This is life; some people will have more of the things you crave deeply for yourself. Don't just run away, face it like an adult and learn to deal with it. There was an article in the WSJ today about a wealthy wall streeter who jumped off of a building leaving 4 children behind because he was focusing on others who had more and he felt he couldn't compete. Don't torture yourself like that.

Also, don't try to find reasons to knock this woman or other people who you are envious of; that is a weak person's strategy to feel better. Just face the facts of life, appreciate your own strengths, and continue to build upon them. Focus on competing against yourself.

[Anonymous]

Accepting yourself, with all your good and bad sides is what makes you satisfied with your life and not envious. The constant need to compare yourself with others shows insecurity. Insecurity is an ugly trait. The real question is what is making you so unhappy with your life? If it is just material things, you are then a very shallow person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two things: 1. yes some people have it easier/better than others. So absolutely things could be as good for your friend as they look - lucky her! 2. Its also absolutely ok if you don't want to hang out with her b/c she makes you jealous/feel bad.

+1