The stress of house hunting with a spouse

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds like one of the people on HGTV that won't buy a house based on the color of the walls.

People worry about he dumbest things. Tell your husband that if he doesn't want sump pumps that is fine, just fill in basement with concrete.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP- im in same situation as you and it has ruined our marriage bc we did end up homeless- shuffling bw family and hotels bc we didnt find a house in time before our lease was up and not renewed. More though bc we couldnt agree on where to live in terms of state, town, etc. Good luck to you and my advice now that ive ended up homeless is- if you like it, just do it. dont overanalyze or wait for the next best thing which may not actually appear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds like one of the people on HGTV that won't buy a house based on the color of the walls.

People worry about he dumbest things. Tell your husband that if he doesn't want sump pumps that is fine, just fill in basement with concrete.

Or water...might as well get it done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds like one of the people on HGTV that won't buy a house based on the color of the walls.

People worry about he dumbest things. Tell your husband that if he doesn't want sump pumps that is fine, just fill in basement with concrete.

Op here. In the end I don't think he really is worried about the sump pump, I think he felt like he couldn't say the place wasn't nice enough for him, so he needed a better excuse to not like it.

I appreciate everyone's reassurances. It is a stressful process. Doesn't help that we're doing it from out of town. I think it's just bringing up a host of issues - dh tends to "catastrophicize" everything, so to him the fact we didn't pick a house this weekend means that we will never find a house and I have trouble making decisions. I just have a hard time talking it through with him when he's working with that attitude. I think we had a really productive weekend where we settled on the area that we're focusing on and communicated our needs to our realtor (who is awesome and has been super helpful). This is just the part of dh's personality that drives me nuts, and it's so very present right now!! Kinda glad to hear we're not the only couple who have to struggle our way through the process though - thanks all!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP- im in same situation as you and it has ruined our marriage bc we did end up homeless- shuffling bw family and hotels bc we didnt find a house in time before our lease was up and not renewed. More though bc we couldnt agree on where to live in terms of state, town, etc. Good luck to you and my advice now that ive ended up homeless is- if you like it, just do it. dont overanalyze or wait for the next best thing which may not actually appear.

So much drama. When you have the resources to live in a hotel or temporary accommodation, you aren't really homeless, are you?

Honestly, if you are looking for a home, you should always have a plan for temporary accommodation in case timing doesn't work in your favor, which is often the case. You should discuss it and plan for it, it'll help minimize stress. If your marriage is going to be ruined by such a common house-hunting scenario, then maybe working on that marriage should be your priority, rather than jumping into such a large financial investment with another person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds like one of the people on HGTV that won't buy a house based on the color of the walls.

People worry about he dumbest things. Tell your husband that if he doesn't want sump pumps that is fine, just fill in basement with concrete.

Op here. In the end I don't think he really is worried about the sump pump, I think he felt like he couldn't say the place wasn't nice enough for him, so he needed a better excuse to not like it.

I appreciate everyone's reassurances. It is a stressful process. Doesn't help that we're doing it from out of town. I think it's just bringing up a host of issues - dh tends to "catastrophicize" everything, so to him the fact we didn't pick a house this weekend means that we will never find a house and I have trouble making decisions. I just have a hard time talking it through with him when he's working with that attitude. I think we had a really productive weekend where we settled on the area that we're focusing on and communicated our needs to our realtor (who is awesome and has been super helpful). This is just the part of dh's personality that drives me nuts, and it's so very present right now!! Kinda glad to hear we're not the only couple who have to struggle our way through the process though - thanks all!!

That's not "personality" so much as "symptom of anxiety disorder." That can be treated. I know from experience!

I would be blunt when he starts to go off the deep end: "That's your anxiety talking. Please, reign it in and let's get back to reasonable ground here."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I LOVE house shopping! We have a running list of the non-negotiables that we agree on and a budget and we do not deviate.

LOL, enjoy house hunting for the rest of your lives!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP- im in same situation as you and it has ruined our marriage bc we did end up homeless- shuffling bw family and hotels bc we didnt find a house in time before our lease was up and not renewed. More though bc we couldnt agree on where to live in terms of state, town, etc. Good luck to you and my advice now that ive ended up homeless is- if you like it, just do it. dont overanalyze or wait for the next best thing which may not actually appear.

So much drama. When you have the resources to live in a hotel or temporary accommodation, you aren't really homeless, are you?

Honestly, if you are looking for a home, you should always have a plan for temporary accommodation in case timing doesn't work in your favor, which is often the case. You should discuss it and plan for it, it'll help minimize stress. If your marriage is going to be ruined by such a common house-hunting scenario, then maybe working on that marriage should be your priority, rather than jumping into such a large financial investment with another person.

We found ourselves in a situation where our planned for temporary housing was tied up and we couldn't move into it and didn't know when or if we could move into it. We were stuck paying for nightly hotel rooms (expensive and not a sustainable situation for our budget).

We had no address to have our mail sent to because we didn't know where we would be from one day to the next. I didn't have an address to put on school and doctors office forms. Yep, we were for a short time homeless and it truly sucked. And it was extremely stressful.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, op, I feel your pain. Dh and I have a great marriage, but big decisions are hard. And I hate moving more than anything in the world, so timelines and other obligations involved bring up my stress level while trying to agree on something so monumental.

I fear spending too much. I want cozy and understated. He wants other people to be impressed. He wants me to have a great kitchen (I love to cook), but don't need stainless and marble and an island...just "enough" counter and cabinet space. I want the kids to have a great basement, dh thinks a basement is for storage. He wants the brand new house because it's new, and I don't like it because the backyard is up against a major road.

We talk through it, we listen to each other, we go to lots of open houses so we can iron out wants vs needs before getting a realtor involved. It's hard but we come out of it stronger because we have no choice but to do it together.

[Anonymous]

Yes, step back. It is not you, it is the market and the pressures of time that you are putting on yourself.
Normally both of you would most likely have different expectation from a house and this should
be agreed upon first. Otherwise you are looking at wrong homes that you argue about.
Make a list of things each one of you can and can not live with and then you will have
a clear picture of what is that both of you agree upon. Keep the list in mind every time
you see a home and if it is not on her and his list then it is not on their list.

Other then that, why rush, do as others suggested. Rent and wait.
DC market is going to slow down and a lot. Not that there are no people wanting to buy or sell.
No. It is because those who want to sell might want to hold on to their homes for longer
trying to wait through the uncertain geopolitical and their job stability times.
Since most people who live in DC area work for government, the job security is not just there
at this time. Even if not fore everyone, enough people is affected to affect those, who are not
affected directly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I LOVE house shopping! We have a running list of the non-negotiables that we agree on and a budget and we do not deviate.

Yeah so do we.

We get into some intense discussions but nothing super stressful despite the stress of buying in D.C.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds like one of the people on HGTV that won't buy a house based on the color of the walls.

People worry about he dumbest things. Tell your husband that if he doesn't want sump pumps that is fine, just fill in basement with concrete.

I hate those people

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP- im in same situation as you and it has ruined our marriage bc we did end up homeless- shuffling bw family and hotels bc we didnt find a house in time before our lease was up and not renewed. More though bc we couldnt agree on where to live in terms of state, town, etc. Good luck to you and my advice now that ive ended up homeless is- if you like it, just do it. dont overanalyze or wait for the next best thing which may not actually appear.

So much drama. When you have the resources to live in a hotel or temporary accommodation, you aren't really homeless, are you?

Honestly, if you are looking for a home, you should always have a plan for temporary accommodation in case timing doesn't work in your favor, which is often the case. You should discuss it and plan for it, it'll help minimize stress. If your marriage is going to be ruined by such a common house-hunting scenario, then maybe working on that marriage should be your priority, rather than jumping into such a large financial investment with another person.

Im the "homeless" pp. Weve drained all our finances traveling to family and staying in hotels. We had a plan and it did not work out and we had bad timing and bad luck. You say so much drama abd u r correct. It is the most unwanted drama Ive ever experienced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP- im in same situation as you and it has ruined our marriage bc we did end up homeless- shuffling bw family and hotels bc we didnt find a house in time before our lease was up and not renewed. More though bc we couldnt agree on where to live in terms of state, town, etc. Good luck to you and my advice now that ive ended up homeless is- if you like it, just do it. dont overanalyze or wait for the next best thing which may not actually appear.

So much drama. When you have the resources to live in a hotel or temporary accommodation, you aren't really homeless, are you?

Honestly, if you are looking for a home, you should always have a plan for temporary accommodation in case timing doesn't work in your favor, which is often the case. You should discuss it and plan for it, it'll help minimize stress. If your marriage is going to be ruined by such a common house-hunting scenario, then maybe working on that marriage should be your priority, rather than jumping into such a large financial investment with another person.

Im the "homeless" pp. Weve drained all our finances traveling to family and staying in hotels. We had a plan and it did not work out and we had bad timing and bad luck. You say so much drama abd u r correct. It is the most unwanted drama Ive ever experienced.

I'm the other "homeless" poster and I feel for you. Sometimes even when you are super careful to plan it all out and have all of your ducks in a row the most outrageous, ridiculous bad luck can happen and those plans simply do not pan out. It falls under the sh*t happens category. And boy can it ever.

But in the end, with a little scrambling we were able to get a place. It all worked out. We love our new home. Hang in there Op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if this belongs here or in the Relationships forum, but here goes. Dh (military) and I are finally going to buy a house after 10 years of marriage. We've got two kids, so we're juggling schools, commute needs, floor plans that work for our family, etc. All this in the hot NoVa market. It just seems like every crack in our marriage is getting magnified 100 times over! I'm being the optimist, sure we'll find something, he's a pessimist, if we don't pick something now we'll end up homeless in July. I just want a solid house with a good floor plan, he wants something "more than a box" with some kind of HGTV worthy features that he'd be proud to show his friends and family. I'm the tightwad with money, he wants to blow up the budget (but stay within his BAH, which is its own conflict). It just feels ridiculously hard to even discuss it - one day he's pushing me to pick something from the first five houses we've seen, two days later he's rejecting my first choice to instead argue for a house that seems like a total disaster to me. And instead of just saying he doesn't like my first choice, he goes off on a tangent about it having a sump pump, as if we have to reject every house that has one.

Its driving me nuts! Is it this hard for everybody?

Few years from now you will look back and be sorry you went with bear minimum. House buying is a very expensive business
because when you consider all the costs of transactions each time and cost of upgrading and remodeling before selling
then it is nuts. Besides, it does matter how you feel in the home as people usually stay longer then they plan.
It is especially difficult to move when you have little children who need room to roam and back yard and
at the same time they are attached to the house, you are attached to the house because it is a place you made
so many memories. Chances are you both will get some salary raise and or promotions and you will be more comfortable
with bigger home. Besides if your husband follows HGTV and you not then he more likely then you
understand the market and what people are looking for. This is important because home is an investment
and you are buying for it to increase in value and be sealable in the future.
Your home might not be such a great investment as his, his might gain in value more, faster, and
be easier to sale when you need to sale it. Your home also will be that much less fun to live in,
the pride factor is also important as you will have people over, family over and also kids friends over
and everybody here judges you by car you drive and home you live in. Like it or not.

I think you should bite a bullet since your hubby seems to be making better long term investment
and really wants to provide for his family. A guy takes a lot of pride from the house as he is also
being judge for it a lot and he probably wants to fulfill his dream and expectations of his home.
It is important for a happy marriage sometimes let go especially if it won't make you go broke.
After all you will also be proud of the beautiful home and it will have more storage and room for kids.
What's not to love. Of course budget is important but again, you will live in this house for a very long
and most important time of your life. Later on you can go smaller again but when you have
a young family, this is when you need the best for them that you can afford.