Forum Index
»
Infertility Support and Discussion
I am so angry at my husband's inability to perform
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I think people do sympathize with OP but they feel bad for her DH b/c a man's inability to perform when he's completely expected to do so is a utterly humiliating experience. It's doubly humiliating if a wife makes him feel like #$*@ about it. People probably feel it's worse than getting pumped up with meds and then not being able to attempt pg.
I do get OP's frustration. I'd be disappointed too. But not enough to make DH feel bad about something he physically can not do. |
Anonymous
| Who said she was making DH feel bad??? |
Anonymous
|
I do feel great sympathy for OP - which why I shared my solution to a similar problem. TCC can be horribly stressfull and it sucks doing everything you can and putting your body through chemical/hormone hell only to have DH do his part. And one knows that when can't let on at all that your frustrated with him b/c it will only make it worse. Quite a Catch-22. I'm sure OP realizes it's not his fault and is just venting here which is smart.
The best thing is to find a way that works for them and helps achieve the goal of getting pregnant. I never doubted that DH wanted a baby and neither did he - and he actually had no problem "getting it up" it was the pressure to reach orgasm that was getting to him. For whatever reason when he was by himself with porn he could get over it (although sometimes it seemed from my perspective to take an awfully long time - 45 min plus), I really worked hard to make him feel good about this method, he was fertile man and doing his job and I was not at all disappointed just thrilled that we found a way that worked for us. Oh and a nice benefit was that our sex life for the rest of the month improved dramatically. Somehow separating the pressure of TTC from our sex life helped him a lot in both areas. And I love him dearly for being willing to go along with my "crazy plan". OP, I hope you and DH find something that works for you and get your baby. |
Anonymous
Maybe I misinterpreted. But OP said: " My husband has been completely unable to perform. I have tried to be very understanding and all but I am completely enraged. We are now not even speaking to each other. " So OP said she's not being understanding bec she's too enraged. So I assumed she's enraged with him and as a result not even speaking to him because he could not perform. Not sure how this can't make him feel bad if she stopped speaking to him as a result. |
Anonymous
| My doctor cautioned me to avoid turning babymaking into a science experiment. My advice to you is to NOT tell him when you are ovulating. Instead, keep that info to yourself and do your best to set the mood (new lingerie, a massage, etc.). Chances are that if you initiate without adding the stress, things will work out. |
Anonymous
| Is your husband on any medications that could cause impotency as a side effect? It not that uncommon of a side effect to many medications. |
Anonymous
| For the IVF (in the doc's office) sample, my husband gets so scared he will miss the cup! Once when he was getting a sample at home he spilled the whole thing in the moment. I was so mad! So now he has a bit of anxiety about spilling. I never ask him about it...just let him do his thing. We're 2wwing after our 3rd IVF. Ugh. |
Anonymous
|
intrigued by the DIY method, and wow, it's worked for some! good for you guys for figuring this one out and doing what it takes.
OP -- any good tips in here? hope some of this has helped... |
Anonymous
| Thanks for support<a href=http://yukstzo.tripod.com/map.html>.</a> |
Anonymous
| You know what OP? I feel your rage!! Oh how DARE we put pressure on the MAN? Whatever!!! OMG after all we have to go through? Last time I checked non of the shots, surgeries, etc. involved an orgasm on my part. Give me a break. Pressure. Men don't have the slightest inkling on what "pressure" feels like to an infertile woman. It's ridiculous. |
Anonymous
| Hey PP, I totally see where you are coming from, but now that I am 2 yrs post IF tx, I can see where it was tough on my DH as well. We were lucky to have a great clinic and understanding staff who helped my DH's with his issues when I couldn't. Dr. DiMattina sent us home with a rx for viagra and a cup so we could get the job done. If someone told you to go to a room and have an orgasm within a certain time frame, do you think you could do it?....knowing there is a lab person waiting for a sample. IF is a couples issue regardless of the diagnosis, and it takes it's toll on both parties. |
Anonymous
| OP, I feel your pain and was there too. What motivated my DH was the cost. I needed him to be with me and a partner all the way, so he knew when the fertile window was and I was not capable of keeping that a secret. Thinking about wasting all the money, an continuing to do so until we were PG, was motivating for him -- there was little enjoyment for either of us. You knopw your DH, think about how to talk to him about this and what to say: porn, money, baby, whatever. FWIW, that's what I had to do too, throughout the process, focus not on whatever med process but on the outcome: baby. |
Anonymous
Oh my gosh. If babymaking comes to this, where you think men don't want to have a baby as much as you do just because you're the one endowed with the womb, than you should not be trying to have a child. I would strongly suggest that you pull yourself together to be a strong person. You can not, or should not, be trying for a child if you can get so angry at your spouse over this. When the anger takes over the love and care for your spouse and all of this is because you feel pressure to have a baby, then that's the wrong reason to have a baby. I mean, why are you wanting that baby in the first place? Babies should be brought into a home where ideally if there are two spouses, they love one another. They don't use each other for their own inner desires. |
Anonymous
| As a male, I will say that you have turned sex into another task for your husband. It is now just another job that he has to do, like fixing that leaky sink. Of course, under those circumstances, it is not enjoyable for him and he has problems performing. Also, another thing you need to think of is that once sex crosses that line from enjoyment to biology, men get turned off and quickly. I cannot think of anything more of a turnoff than that. So my recommendations are 1) stop turning your sex life into work, and 2) make sex sexy. It seems obvious, but I am afraid that perhaps you just don't get it. |
Anonymous
|
You know it wasn't enjoyable or "sexy" when I charted for months on end and weeped into the toilet when I got my BFNs. It wasn't enjoyable or sexy when I had to make that RE appt. Get so much blood work that a vein scarred up and refused to be prodded again. A painful HSG where they pumped my cramping uterus with fluid, crotch open for the world to see. Nor when I had to take Clomid, or have my cervix mutilated by a catheter time and time again. You know what wasn't sexy either? Bruising my ass and stomach by poking it with needles for YEARS. My miscarriages weren't a ball of fun either. Oh wait! My surgeries--now those weren't work at all! I got to lie around for a few days recovering. I learned to knit. Yippee for me.
You know what my husband had to do? Masturbate a few times, and fuck me. Luckily he never ever complained. It isn't that hard. The OP is raging with hormones and I feel for her. She has ALL of the burden, and now you're asking her to put on some fucking lingerie and make it fun?? How about the husband take responsibility for THAT. He can make it fun. Figure out a way to make all of this "sexy." That would truly be commendable. To the PP who said it was the wrong reason to have a baby, please prompty fuck yourself and die. You obviously have no clue. |