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I am so angry at my husband's inability to perform
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Anonymous
| SO I hate to sound harsh but here I am jacked up on all these meds i.e. clomid, gonal-f etc. and we are suppose to have timed intercourse. My husband has been completely unable to perform. I have tried to be very understanding and all but I am completely enraged. We are now not even speaking to each other. After all the meds I am taking, I feel like I am asking so little of him but just to have sex. I am normally not a jerk who calls at her husband like this but I am so hurt, mad etc. I know it is not intentional on his part but I am still so angry. I want to make it clear that I jhave been EXTREMELY laid back about the whole process so far so as not to put any pressure on him. But I can no longer be Ms. Cool. |
Anonymous
what if you ask him if he'd rather do it in a cup and then go for the IUI? that might change his mind. i can't speak to the male psyche but i know it's a very sensitive thing... we do all the hard work in my opinion  . good luck, that really sucks.
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Anonymous
| I am sorry for your trouble. In his defense, guys really do have an inability to perform under stress. We went through years of infertility and all kinds of treatments. I finally decided the best course of action was not to tell my husband when it was critical to perform -- I would just put on a sexy nightie and do everything I could to get him excited. Of course this didn't work too well once we ended up doing IVF, but at that point he knew that if he couldn't get in in the cup, then they were going to come in and take it out in another manner. Of course they had magazines and such to help things move along. |
Anonymous
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If you're just looking to vent than this might not be helpful, but here's the guys perspective. He's NOT being asked to 'just have sex'. He's being asked to make a donation to a human beaker where the outcome of said donation is very much on his shoulders. On top of it, said human beaker has done her part on the science front, but the romance side of the sex act might be a little lacking.
Let me first ask if you had been having sex outside of the 'timing windows' or were you saving it all up for one big show when you are ripe? That approach can be very counter productive. The trick is to have sex when there is no reason to, other than to have sex. Get that back into a comfortable groove and when the fertility windows open up it will be much easier to perform. Hell, you might not want to even tell him. |
Anonymous
| I would also say that, as disappointed as you rightly are, OP, I bet your husband is even more disappointed in himself. So give yourself time to be angry (which anyone going through fertility treatments has a right to be) and get those hormones out of your system, but then look at things from his perspective and find a way to forgive and reconnect. Infertility is a killer on relationships, and I think it is important to try to cut each other a break as much as possible. |
Anonymous
| We had this issue quite a bit in the early days of our infertility struggle. I agree that trying to have sex more often throughout the month is really helpful. I also find that not talking to dh much about my cycles/fertility in general is really helpful. (I talk about it on my boards and with certain girlfriends.) I notice that a lot of women put a lot of emotional pressure on their husbands during this process, to support them, as well as the physical pressure to perform. Also, I try to make sure that we have several different days on which we can "make it happen" and still be successful, so if it doesn't happen the first night, it's really no big deal. It's always a relief when it does, though! I also agree that you really need to NOT let your husband feel you're blaming him. I'm sure he is trying his best and that this whole thing is a real blow to his ego. |
Anonymous
| I agree with the PPs that recommended not telling your husband when your fertility window is. I told my husband that we should just have sex every other day and told him that I had no idea when my fertility window was. The one cycle I did that, I got pregnant. Previous cycles I had told him exactly when I ovulated and I did not get pregnant and I think it was b/c there was too much pressure on him. |
Anonymous
| What about having him get a script for viagra or cialis to help him out? |
Anonymous
| Maybe he doesn't want kids. |
Anonymous
| Nice. |
Anonymous
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This might sound a little crazy but my doctor suggested it - we do DIY at home insemenation. Basically DH collects a semen on his own (or rather with the help of internet porn) in a sample cup and brings it to me and I use a plastic syringe to insert. It seems to take all the pressure off him. Oh and it works!! We've gotten pregnant twice this way.
There is actually quite a bit of online info if you want details - it is apparently quite a popular method for lesbians with donor sperm (fresh as above) or frozen from a sperm bank. And much cheaper then IUI. DH & I have sworn ourselves to secrecy and have told NO ONE - I wouldn't want to embarass him or for someday the kids to find out as might feel odd. |
Anonymous
| i wrote a post similar to this last fall.. i'm now 33 weeks pregnant. it was suggested to me to 1- not tell him when the time was - just have sex all the time and/or 2- watch porn. we tried some of both. he could often get it up, just not finish. it was VERY frustrating for both of us - and yes, he did make the comment -- well, all you have to do is lay there.... anyway -- best of luck to you - totally remember where you are and it's not easy... |
Anonymous
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I know you are upset. But sex has to be enjoyable for a man. He is probably feeling tremendous stress. Has there been any arguing, stress, tension, tense discussions, anything like that in the last few weeks? Have you guys gone out together and had some fun recently?
Prior to expecting him to perform, I would make sure the days prior to that have been enjoyable, fun, relaxing... From your stress level, I sense you were stressed out well before this and maybe he sensed it. |
Anonymous
I am so glad I am not the only one that tried that approach (with success!). I also tried having him getting aroused with porn and "come to me" when he felt he was ready... |
Anonymous
| I can't believe everyone is feeling sorry for the husband and yelling at OP. How about some sympathy for her? |