Teen DS with anxiety nice with everybody but his sister and me..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does his therapist say?

To hold him accountable, but somehow DS always has a different version. When I try to implement consequences that leads to enormous melt downs and complete defiance. The other day, I told him that I will take his phone away for the night, he refused to, I start with small consequences, he made it into a WWIII and I physically can't take his phone. We are talking from 11pm till 6am. I that point I told him he either puts the phone in my room or I will disconnect his line. He still wouldn't go along with it. He called his dad(my DH) who advised me to defuse the situation, read let DS have the phone after calling me all kinds of names and screaming at me, I refused. The solution DH came up with and I agreed to, is to put the phone downstairs in his backpack and leave it. DS did it. I don't even know if this is anxiety or if my DS is just an extreme teen douche, not to use a stronger word. As I mentioned, such behavior is only towards me and his sister.To all others he is as timid as can be.

I think this is anxiety - but I agree that you need to find better boundaries. I have found that being in the therapy appointment with my DC sometimes leads to a more fruitful discussion, especially if you talk with the therapist ahead of time so the "bitch session" factor can be managed. If dad was there too it would be a strong show of force that things need to change. (Collaboratively - I'm sure in rational moments he can see his behavior is not acceptable, the problem is you can't change it in the moment because he is not rational then.) Work with him to set up a behavior contract, appropriate ways to express frustration and agreed upon consequences. A good therapist should be able to work you through this. (Although if you are not happy with the current therapist, you may need someone else for this.)

I am happy with the current therapist, but he is more of a mental coach to my DS with my small input. He knows my son maybe better than any other person apart from me. I want that to be a safe heaven for DS. I had no luck finding a different therapist, even tried with psychiatrist/therapist sessions. She pushed medication like crazy when it made him worse and wouldn't change it to a different medication. His psychiatrist now is very collaborative, but he is of a mind that DS is 17 and it time is for them to manage medication and talk a few things out on their own. Yes, after few days DS will say he is sorry, and if I lose temper(as I said the other day and when he was aggressive towards his sister, and not any other time in the last 3 years) I apologize too.

[Anonymous]

Have you considered family therapy? Your DS's anxiety expresses itself in a context of family relationships.

In dealing with my DD's anxiety and depression, we started to get movement when we shifted to a family systems approach, so that we began to understand how her issues create anxiety and reactivity in the rest of the family. Learning to manage the reactivity of everyone in the family is key.

[Anonymous]

Learn about validation and implement it.

Learn to set boundaries--what you won't tolerate. Doesn't matter whether others (including DH) see it as no big deal. Decide on what these things are and decide on what the consequences are. The consequences have to be something you can and will do. (Cannot stress how important this is--idle threats do not work.)

Communicate to your DS in a calm time what behaviors you won't tolerate and what the consequence is should he indulge in them. Do not make consequences up on the spot--this is in a way unfair because you are making up the rules as you go along and he has no chance of evaluating in advance whether the behavior is worth the consequence to him. When you announce the consequence it should be in a calm neutral tone--think of a ref at children's soccer games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Learn about validation and implement it.

Learn to set boundaries--what you won't tolerate. Doesn't matter whether others (including DH) see it as no big deal. Decide on what these things are and decide on what the consequences are. The consequences have to be something you can and will do. (Cannot stress how important this is--idle threats do not work.)

Communicate to your DS in a calm time what behaviors you won't tolerate and what the consequence is should he indulge in them. Do not make consequences up on the spot--this is in a way unfair because you are making up the rules as you go along and he has no chance of evaluating in advance whether the behavior is worth the consequence to him. When you announce the consequence it should be in a calm neutral tone--think of a ref at children's soccer games.

Thank you for the advice, that is how I am mostly acting, following "yes, your teen is crazy" book which works for DS and DD too. But, I will have a sit down and outline what will result in what. I am not really asking for "mom's word is God" but for respect and appropriate behavior. Many days are great and then lately it seems to be once or twice a week where it is just insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are safe outlets for his pent up frustrations. It just means he loves you. I know it's hard, but if you can try to think of it this way (because it's true), it makes it a little easier to deal with emotionally and strategically.

I am a very pro-active special needs mom but I refuse to accept that the verbal abuse of a teenage boy means he loves me. No.

Another mom with two SN kids here. It doesn't mean they love you. It means like PP said, you are a "safe" target. It's the same thing as kicking the dog. Kids often build up frustration and take it out on people who they feel instinctively will stick by them.

Sessions of family therapy might be useful. It also sounds like your son is trying to exert control in the family by being mean. If your DH is deployed OP, this behavior might be a reflection of his anxiety over this.

I disagree with the approach of "putting your foot down." Trying to squash his anger will just make him angrier. It doesn't mean that you need to be a doormat, but getting some training for you OP would probably help improve your response to him. Try reading Unstuck and On Target, OP. It focuses on perspective taking (for kids and parents).

Kids with LDs, anxiety, or executive functioning issues often get "stuck." They have issues with flexibility and lack problem solving skills. For example, your son is trying to make a "plan" that b/c Dad makes more money so he decides about X. The problem is the plan, not the child. He doesn't get that there's a problem with this plan and fails to understand your perspective as a parent. So he and you need to learn how to make a plan B.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are safe outlets for his pent up frustrations. It just means he loves you. I know it's hard, but if you can try to think of it this way (because it's true), it makes it a little easier to deal with emotionally and strategically.

I am a very pro-active special needs mom but I refuse to accept that the verbal abuse of a teenage boy means he loves me. No.

Another mom with two SN kids here. It doesn't mean they love you. It means like PP said, you are a "safe" target. It's the same thing as kicking the dog. Kids often build up frustration and take it out on people who they feel instinctively will stick by them.

Sessions of family therapy might be useful. It also sounds like your son is trying to exert control in the family by being mean. If your DH is deployed OP, this behavior might be a reflection of his anxiety over this.

I disagree with the approach of "putting your foot down." Trying to squash his anger will just make him angrier. It doesn't mean that you need to be a doormat, but getting some training for you OP would probably help improve your response to him. Try reading Unstuck and On Target, OP. It focuses on perspective taking (for kids and parents).

Kids with LDs, anxiety, or executive functioning issues often get "stuck." They have issues with flexibility and lack problem solving skills. For example, your son is trying to make a "plan" that b/c Dad makes more money so he decides about X. The problem is the plan, not the child. He doesn't get that there's a problem with this plan and fails to understand your perspective as a parent. So he and you need to learn how to make a plan B.

OMG, pp! It is like you know my DS! Exactly lack of flexibility, rigidity, problem solving. Also, one day he is asking for helping, needing opinion, what do I think about this and that, next day, it is only his way, no matter how right or wrong that might be. Thank you for all the suggestions.

[Anonymous]

OP, here is an old thread on validation you might find helpful.

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/478538.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are safe outlets for his pent up frustrations. It just means he loves you. I know it's hard, but if you can try to think of it this way (because it's true), it makes it a little easier to deal with emotionally and strategically.

I am a very pro-active special needs mom but I refuse to accept that the verbal abuse of a teenage boy means he loves me. No.

Another mom with two SN kids here. It doesn't mean they love you. It means like PP said, you are a "safe" target. It's the same thing as kicking the dog. Kids often build up frustration and take it out on people who they feel instinctively will stick by them.

Sessions of family therapy might be useful. It also sounds like your son is trying to exert control in the family by being mean. If your DH is deployed OP, this behavior might be a reflection of his anxiety over this.

I disagree with the approach of "putting your foot down." Trying to squash his anger will just make him angrier. It doesn't mean that you need to be a doormat, but getting some training for you OP would probably help improve your response to him. Try reading Unstuck and On Target, OP. It focuses on perspective taking (for kids and parents).

Kids with LDs, anxiety, or executive functioning issues often get "stuck." They have issues with flexibility and lack problem solving skills. For example, your son is trying to make a "plan" that b/c Dad makes more money so he decides about X. The problem is the plan, not the child. He doesn't get that there's a problem with this plan and fails to understand your perspective as a parent. So he and you need to learn how to make a plan B.

OMG, pp! It is like you know my DS! Exactly lack of flexibility, rigidity, problem solving. Also, one day he is asking for helping, needing opinion, what do I think about this and that, next day, it is only his way, no matter how right or wrong that might be. Thank you for all the suggestions.

I know it b/c I'm living it too as are so many of us. The Unstuck program was very helpful. They do run a social skills group on the weekend and with the parent class running concurrently.

The other book I would recommend is The Kazdin Method. It's harder to implement the "system" when kids are older, but it's basically using positive reinforcement to bring out desired behavior. With his sister, there is probably a lot of resentment/jealousy of her, especially if she is typically developing. He's probably thinking on some level "Why me and not her?" Try to "catch him being good." If does something--anything--regardless of how small, like holding the door open or even just watching TV with her and not picking a fight--acknowledge it. "Thank you, Larlo for holding the door for Larla." "It was great how well you got along with Larla when we were watching tv."

Know you're not alone. It's exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here is an old thread on validation you might find helpful.

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/478538.page

I was just going to look for this. One of the most helpful threads ever on DCUM!

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much to all. I will read up again on it, and luckily this weekend is pretty much free so I can relax, and gain some peace as I am still shook from Wednesday. I am reading this other thread.

[Anonymous]

Hi! You have received a lot of great advice on this thread. I really do not have anything to add. I just wanted you to know that I can sympathize with you. I have six kids, and two of them have issues that cause strife in our house. Praying for you!