Reply to Teen DS with anxiety nice with everybody but his sister and me..

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You are safe outlets for his pent up frustrations. It just means he loves you. I know it's hard, but if you can try to think of it this way (because it's true), it makes it a little easier to deal with emotionally and strategically.[/quote]

I am a very pro-active special needs mom but I refuse to accept that the verbal abuse of a teenage boy means he loves me. No.[/quote]

Another mom with two SN kids here.  It doesn't mean they love you.  It means like PP said, you are a "safe" target.  It's the same thing as kicking the dog.  Kids often build up frustration and take it out on people who they feel instinctively will stick by them.

Sessions of family therapy might be useful.  It also sounds like your son is trying to exert control in the family by being mean.  If your DH is deployed OP, this behavior might be a reflection of his anxiety over this.

I disagree with the approach of "putting your foot down."  Trying to squash his anger will just make him angrier.  It doesn't mean that you need to be a doormat, but getting some training for you OP would probably help improve your response to him.  Try reading Unstuck and On Target, OP.  It focuses on perspective taking (for kids and parents).

Kids with LDs, anxiety, or executive functioning issues often get "stuck."  They have issues with flexibility and lack problem solving skills.  For example, your son is trying to make a "plan" that b/c Dad makes more money so he decides about X.  The problem is the plan, [b]not[/b] the child.  He doesn't get that there's a problem with this plan and fails to understand your perspective as a parent.  So he and you need to learn how to make a plan B.[/quote]

OMG, pp!  It is like you know my DS! Exactly lack of flexibility, rigidity, problem solving.  Also, one day he is asking for helping, needing opinion, what do I think about this and that, next day, it is only his way, no matter how right or wrong that might be. Thank you for all the suggestions.[/quote]

I know it b/c I'm living it too as are so many of us.  The Unstuck program was very helpful.  They do run a social skills group on the weekend and with the parent class running concurrently.

The other book I would recommend is The Kazdin Method.  It's harder to implement the "system" when kids are older, but it's basically using positive reinforcement to bring out desired behavior.  With his sister, there is probably a lot of resentment/jealousy of her, especially if she is typically developing.  He's probably thinking on some level "Why me and not her?"  Try to "catch him being good."  If does something--anything--regardless of how small, like holding the door open or even just watching TV with her and not picking a fight--acknowledge it.  "Thank you, Larlo for holding the door for Larla."  "It was great how well you got along with Larla when we were watching tv."

Know you're not alone.  It's exhausting.[/quote]

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