Teen DS with anxiety nice with everybody but his sister and me..

[Anonymous]

I have no idea what to do about it. For years, I helped with school, socializing,doctors, etc. Often, he is a nice kid to me as well, but never to his younger teen sister. He treats her with hate and he puts me down. I work now and have worked on and off and off due to having to be there for him, and even that he uses as some sexist crap that since Dad makes most of the money Dad decides. I know that this is anxiety related as he only feels comfortable with me and her, but I am fed up and at the end of my rope. He actually likes to stir trouble for me. Everybody else think he is an angel, due to his social anxiety and while I an adult and shouldn't lose my temper, I am sorry to say I did lose my temper yesterday. I would say that he did much to cause it, think complete teenage jerk with profanities etc., but I should have handled it better. I haven't done this other than one time last year, and he deserved it as he almost attacked his sister, but apart from these two instances I have not lost my temper for years and years. I am wondering now if I should have been strict regardless or his anxiety(and it is severe) rather than justifying it and doing everything for him that he couldn't. Opinions are welcome, but I know this is just an outlet to me to, as I really don't have anybody to talk to about this. DH is overseas and DS acts like the best kid with him, just so humble and nice, that while DH knows about these issues, he never sees them so his perspective is usually that I should know DS is not ok and diffuse situation. Thanks for listening.

[Anonymous]

Have you thought about medication for him?

[Anonymous]

He is medicated. Has therapy, tutors for school, small school, etc..

[Anonymous]

If he's anxious and bottling up his feelings most of the time so that he appears normal/nice to others, he probably instinctively feels you and his sister are "safe" outlets. I would talk to his therapist re: strategies for helping him to avoid lashing out at anyone.

[Anonymous]

What does his therapist say?

[Anonymous]

What are the consequences you have when he acts out toward you and his sister? Are there family rules about sexist language, profanity, put downs, and mean talking?

It sounds like you put up with too much because he's diagnosed with anxiety and thus any acting out is thought to be "anxiety related." But anxiety doesn't excuse profanity and sexism. And then you explode eventually.

Family meeting with rules about what's acceptable, for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Op, please do not blame your reluctance to put your foot down about this on his anxiety. Bratty behavior is bratty behavior. Period.

[Anonymous]

I have two children, one has anxiety. I don't put up with rude behavior from either of them. I tell them they are allowed to be scared/anxious/angry/frustrated, they can tell me that I'm making them upset, but if they call anyone in the house names or are rude, they have a consequence or retry again. You're doing your son no favors to letting him know he's allowed to be a jerk to the people he's closest to because of anxiety--what kind of husband will he be?? Time to nip it in the bud.

[Anonymous]

I have a DD who sometimes is mean to me or my other DD and usually it is because something happened to her during the day. However, I call her out every time and say "this is unacceptable" If something happened to you please share that information because we care BUT we all deserve to be treated with respect and kindness...ESP family. If we can, we do not engage with her when she is like that. ( can't get away if we are in car, for example)

It is slowly sinking in now that she is 15. Talk to his therapist to get ideas and have them talk to your son.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

It is sometimes hard to find the line between supporting and enabling a child with severe anxiety. Would his therapist be willing to do some family sessions? Or maybe find a therapist for yourself to figure out how to set boundaries while still supporting him.

[Anonymous]

You are safe outlets for his pent up frustrations. It just means he loves you. I know it's hard, but if you can try to think of it this way (because it's true), it makes it a little easier to deal with emotionally and strategically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are safe outlets for his pent up frustrations. It just means he loves you. I know it's hard, but if you can try to think of it this way (because it's true), it makes it a little easier to deal with emotionally and strategically.

I am a very pro-active special needs mom but I refuse to accept that the verbal abuse of a teenage boy means he loves me. No.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all the replies and suggestions. Yes, I have made a mistake of allowing some things to go unanswered, his anxiety is that bad that it seemed like the right thing to do. Now that he is bigger and older, I may have left it too late. Now, he is not just rude towards me but defiant and even aggressive in some ways. He now has a good therapist, but until recently I was anti therapist since they all just told him that he can't help it and made it into a biatch session about me. While I am not perfect, clearly, without bragging, I am near darn patient as a saint with him, and now I can see that he read that as pushover. I considered that something else might be wrong, but his anger and rudeness are only towards his sister and me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does his therapist say?

To hold him accountable, but somehow DS always has a different version. When I try to implement consequences that leads to enormous melt downs and complete defiance. The other day, I told him that I will take his phone away for the night, he refused to, I start with small consequences, he made it into a WWIII and I physically can't take his phone. We are talking from 11pm till 6am. I that point I told him he either puts the phone in my room or I will disconnect his line. He still wouldn't go along with it. He called his dad(my DH) who advised me to defuse the situation, read let DS have the phone after calling me all kinds of names and screaming at me, I refused. The solution DH came up with and I agreed to, is to put the phone downstairs in his backpack and leave it. DS did it. I don't even know if this is anxiety or if my DS is just an extreme teen douche, not to use a stronger word. As I mentioned, such behavior is only towards me and his sister.To all others he is as timid as can be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does his therapist say?

To hold him accountable, but somehow DS always has a different version. When I try to implement consequences that leads to enormous melt downs and complete defiance. The other day, I told him that I will take his phone away for the night, he refused to, I start with small consequences, he made it into a WWIII and I physically can't take his phone. We are talking from 11pm till 6am. I that point I told him he either puts the phone in my room or I will disconnect his line. He still wouldn't go along with it. He called his dad(my DH) who advised me to defuse the situation, read let DS have the phone after calling me all kinds of names and screaming at me, I refused. The solution DH came up with and I agreed to, is to put the phone downstairs in his backpack and leave it. DS did it. I don't even know if this is anxiety or if my DS is just an extreme teen douche, not to use a stronger word. As I mentioned, such behavior is only towards me and his sister.To all others he is as timid as can be.

I think this is anxiety - but I agree that you need to find better boundaries. I have found that being in the therapy appointment with my DC sometimes leads to a more fruitful discussion, especially if you talk with the therapist ahead of time so the "bitch session" factor can be managed. If dad was there too it would be a strong show of force that things need to change. (Collaboratively - I'm sure in rational moments he can see his behavior is not acceptable, the problem is you can't change it in the moment because he is not rational then.) Work with him to set up a behavior contract, appropriate ways to express frustration and agreed upon consequences. A good therapist should be able to work you through this. (Although if you are not happy with the current therapist, you may need someone else for this.)