s/o ADHD Marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only way to deal with ADHD is just to force yourself to write things down and be religiously devoted some kind of task management system.

It took me years to get to the point where I found a system that worked for me and was fairly consistent about sticking to it. It's almost like being an alcoholic and having to struggle with it on a daily basis.

I've been good about holding down a steady job and maintaining a decent career, while continuing my education, part-time, but I should probably be a bit further along than I am.

What's your system?

Yes, please share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only way to deal with ADHD is just to force yourself to write things down and be religiously devoted some kind of task management system.

It took me years to get to the point where I found a system that worked for me and was fairly consistent about sticking to it. It's almost like being an alcoholic and having to struggle with it on a daily basis.

I've been good about holding down a steady job and maintaining a decent career, while continuing my education, part-time, but I should probably be a bit further along than I am.

New poster here

For me, it's nothing fancy, just a notepad file at work and then a Google doc for personal stuff. I've held high-middle jobs since the late 1990s and have never been fired or disciplined for not working. The writing stuff down works wonders at work.

I do that and my wife makes fun of me for writing everything down. She also complains when I want to whittle down the to-do list, although to be fair sometimes, stuff can lie fallow while we bond and other times she just needs to buck up and let me tackle stuff that's been festering for a while (she is disabled and can't do as many things or takes 2x as long).

If it means I come to bed at 11pm or come home from work at 7pm every now and then that's life. More than once or twice a week, maybe that's too much.

Maybe she'd rather I watch TV and drink beer all the time??

[Anonymous]

Divorced mine after 9 years, 3 job losses, and long periods of unemployment in between. But he wouldn't even acknowledge that there was a problem to be addressed, so we didn't even get to the point of trying meds or coaches or anything else. Plus, he was crazy resentful that I could do things more easily, so instead of ceding control to me of some things, and being grateful that I handled a lot, he would fight me on countless silly things and became very angry towards me.

So my rule now is that I will never have a relationship with someone with ADHD, because I'm far too burned out.

But if I were in a marriage with someone willing to acknowledge it, I would insist on:

-Meds, and regular check-ins with a psychiatrist that you get to attend too, so you can provide your perspective
-regular use of an ADHD coach
-agreement and near 100% compliance with whatever the coach suggests for managing things on the home front
-agreement to immediately work with a coach if any issues come up at work that threaten employment, raises or promotion
-being 100% responsible for his disease, at all times. That means no anger expressed towards you, full acceptance of the disease, agreement that he will see a marriage counselor or personal therapists if difficult issues between you come up, understanding of the impact of his disease on you and the family, etc.

In other words, I think you need to take a hard ass approach, and he needs to put 110% into doing everything that needs to be done to deal with the disease, or a marriage just isn't going to work.

[Anonymous]

I dated an ADD guy for three years in my 30. Thought we would get married and I was scared to break up because my clock was ticking. But finally lost my mind when he kept "fogetting" to pay some of the bills and the cable got cut off and he apparently wasn't paying his taxes on time either (self employed). he was great in so many ways but if you plan to marry someone with ADD you have to be ready to be the ONLY adult in the relationship. He will just be another kid to juggle. Happily married to a real gorwn man now and its night and day differnce. If anything I am the scattered one!

[Anonymous]

Seems like 'ADHD' is the new excuse for an irresponsible, narcissistic scumbag of a husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like 'ADHD' is the new excuse for an irresponsible, narcissistic scumbag of a husband.

Seems like you don't know shit about a neurological disorder. Or, was that just your lack of critical thinking skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like 'ADHD' is the new excuse for an irresponsible, narcissistic scumbag of a husband.

Seems like you don't know shit about a neurological disorder. Or, was that just your lack of critical thinking skills.

The comment was a little harsh, but the "irresponsible" part isn't completely unfair. Narcissism is an unrelated issue.

You're not at fault for having a disease. It's the unwillingness to work on it that's the problem.