s/o ADHD Marriage

[Anonymous]

If your DH has ADHD, how common is the job loss and frequent job change problem? Did anything help? My DH is currently awaiting an appointment for diagnose/medication. I'm now wondering if many of the the hard times and high stress in our marriage can be attributed to his ADHD. Any tips from those who've experienced this on tips, what to expect, commiseration?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your DH has ADHD, how common is the job loss and frequent job change problem? Did anything help? My DH is currently awaiting an appointment for diagnose/medication. I'm now wondering if many of the the hard times and high stress in our marriage can be attributed to his ADHD. Any tips from those who've experienced this on tips, what to expect, commiseration?

I'm divorcing him. It's hell.

[Anonymous]

I think this varies a lot by person. I have ADHD, and have had the same job for 13 years, and been in the same profession for 17.
I probably should change jobs and professions but the executive challenge of sitting down and figuring it all out overwhelms me!

I'm wondering if your husband displays a lot of impulsive behavior.

My personal experience/belief is that the impulsive component of ADHD often drops away as people age, but that the spaciness can get worse with older brains. If he's still exhibiting a lot of very impulsive behavior in his 30s or 40s, I really wonder if there isn't something different going on. But, truly, everyone's experience is different. I think you need to drill down more on what the problem is, to know whether there's a solution.

[Anonymous]

He could probably benefit from an ADHD coach that can give strategies/techniques for keeping organized and on task. My ADHD marriage (both of us) uses a ton of strategies to help us.

Clearly divided roles on who handles various things. We have a place for everything. Nothing new comes into the house without a discussion about where it will go. I use the hell out of my label maker and have a million reminder sets on my phone. I'd recommend taking a Myers Brigs test which can help tailor a job search.

In terms of jobs. My DH has kept his, been promoted and gets high performance reviews. He thrives with being able to delegate the more mundane parts of his operation so he can focus on the novel things. ADHD is all about seeking out the novel. I was successful in my job to a point but I found that managing the career and my children was too stressful so I now stay at home. It works for us. Good luck and don't be afraid to medicate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He could probably benefit from an ADHD coach that can give strategies/techniques for keeping organized and on task. My ADHD marriage (both of us) uses a ton of strategies to help us.

Clearly divided roles on who handles various things. We have a place for everything. Nothing new comes into the house without a discussion about where it will go. I use the hell out of my label maker and have a million reminder sets on my phone. I'd recommend taking a Myers Brigs test which can help tailor a job search.

In terms of jobs. My DH has kept his, been promoted and gets high performance reviews. He thrives with being able to delegate the more mundane parts of his operation so he can focus on the novel things. ADHD is all about seeking out the novel. I was successful in my job to a point but I found that managing the career and my children was too stressful so I now stay at home. It works for us. Good luck and don't be afraid to medicate.

What do you medicate with? I'm an ADHD (adult diagnosis) DW and SAHM. Adderall makes me ANGRY (and it's not all b/c I forget to eat). Serious question. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

I'm wondering if your husband displays a lot of impulsive behavior.

My sister's husband does. He has a history of maxing out credit cards, watches a lot of tv and youtube videos all day, is constantly reinventing himself, drinks, quits, drinks, smokes, quits, smokes, rarely bathes, can't cook but can eat out, gossips about everyone. The job losses are unreal. Yes he's medicated but between us, he's nuts and lazy. He claims to be over educated and an expert in everything no matter what it is. He is a loser.

I want my sister to leave him but she won't. I could never be married to someone like him. As long as she's with him she will struggle. But it's her choice.

[Anonymous]

Im ADHD and have been in the same job for 8 years and have had 4 promotions. My ADD comes like waves. Steess brings it on full force. Right now im a mess. Im considering making an appointment and getting back on meds. Problem is i HATE adderral. Id like to tey stratters because it's not a stimulant, but feel weird about going in and asking for a specific drug. It makes me ao mad thatbthey always want to throw Adderall at me.

I do drive my husband crazy. I often get paralyzed and cant get a fucking thing accomplished. I manage at work, but then often fall apart at home. Luckily i have a big income and can outsource a lot around the hosue so it doesn't all fall on dH.

[Anonymous]

PP from above who was asked about medications. DH does not take meds. He doesn't even drink coffee. I take Vyvanse. I have never tried Adderall so I can't compare but I used to take generic Ritalin which was annoying for several reasons namely I had to take it several times a day and it made me jittery and anxious. I really like Vyvanse. I feel so much calmer with my kids and when I am alone I can get so much done. It isn't a fix-all but it is very helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im ADHD and have been in the same job for 8 years and have had 4 promotions. My ADD comes like waves. Steess brings it on full force. Right now im a mess. Im considering making an appointment and getting back on meds. Problem is i HATE adderral. Id like to tey stratters because it's not a stimulant, but feel weird about going in and asking for a specific drug. It makes me ao mad thatbthey always want to throw Adderall at me.

I do drive my husband crazy. I often get paralyzed and cant get a fucking thing accomplished. I manage at work, but then often fall apart at home. Luckily i have a big income and can outsource a lot around the hosue so it doesn't all fall on dH.

This is my marriage. I'm the DW. DH has the ADD. Every time he falls apart, we have a rough, rough go of it for a while, but he hasn't lost his job, and the ability to hire additional help as needed has saved our marriage for now.

[Anonymous]

This was me ---we were not married but engaged ---he did not disclose his ADD until after I had had our son --- He had known since he was 12.

He displayed impulsivity, quit all his jobs before 3 months, quit our relationship 4 times, the 4th time was the final straw for me. I just kicked him out a month ago. I was beyond exhausted mentally and physically. He would always get Ritalin but would turn to a complete zombie and do nothing --- our son would put his hand down the toilet and lick his hands ---and my s/o would do nothing to stop it.

Our sex life ended after I got pregnant --- we restarted --and stopped ---by the end -- we had not had sex for 3 months.

He would talk to himself all the time --- full blown conversations--- he would forget to wipe his butt after going to the bathroom --- so he always had poop stained drawers.

Other than the above he is a great guy, dopey and would give you the shirt of his back but keep any money he had to himself.

I make six figures and would pay for all services --- i kept trying but broke down but when our sex life went kaput... i dont regret meeting him some days and most days i do :{

[Anonymous]

The only way to deal with ADHD is just to force yourself to write things down and be religiously devoted some kind of task management system.

It took me years to get to the point where I found a system that worked for me and was fairly consistent about sticking to it. It's almost like being an alcoholic and having to struggle with it on a daily basis.

I've been good about holding down a steady job and maintaining a decent career, while continuing my education, part-time, but I should probably be a bit further along than I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was me ---we were not married but engaged ---he did not disclose his ADD until after I had had our son --- He had known since he was 12.

He displayed impulsivity, quit all his jobs before 3 months, quit our relationship 4 times, the 4th time was the final straw for me. I just kicked him out a month ago. I was beyond exhausted mentally and physically. He would always get Ritalin but would turn to a complete zombie and do nothing --- our son would put his hand down the toilet and lick his hands ---and my s/o would do nothing to stop it.

Our sex life ended after I got pregnant --- we restarted --and stopped ---by the end -- we had not had sex for 3 months.

He would talk to himself all the time --- full blown conversations--- he would forget to wipe his butt after going to the bathroom --- so he always had poop stained drawers.

Other than the above he is a great guy, dopey and would give you the shirt of his back but keep any money he had to himself.

I make six figures and would pay for all services --- i kept trying but broke down but when our sex life went kaput... i dont regret meeting him some days and most days i do :{

My money is on a bipolar diagnosis in the next year or so. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Divorced my ADHD husband after 20 years together. He was diagnosed after we were together for 15 years. He was very smart and actually managed to be very successful in his career. He was always working and I think part of that was because the ADHD made him disorganized and slower at things. Adderrall helped him be more patient with the kids but unfortunately not with me. Also he didn't take it correctly so he never slept. He thought medication was all he needed but would have benefitted greatly from therapy, coaching, exercise. I would encourage your SO to do all these things. Be in the lookout for depression and anxiety as people with ADHD have higher rates of these.
Good luck. It can be a challenging road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only way to deal with ADHD is just to force yourself to write things down and be religiously devoted some kind of task management system.

It took me years to get to the point where I found a system that worked for me and was fairly consistent about sticking to it. It's almost like being an alcoholic and having to struggle with it on a daily basis.

I've been good about holding down a steady job and maintaining a decent career, while continuing my education, part-time, but I should probably be a bit further along than I am.

What's your system?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm wondering if your husband displays a lot of impulsive behavior.

My sister's husband does. He has a history of maxing out credit cards, watches a lot of tv and youtube videos all day, is constantly reinventing himself, drinks, quits, drinks, smokes, quits, smokes, rarely bathes, can't cook but can eat out, gossips about everyone. The job losses are unreal. Yes he's medicated but between us, he's nuts and lazy. He claims to be over educated and an expert in everything no matter what it is. He is a loser.

I want my sister to leave him but she won't. I could never be married to someone like him. As long as she's with him she will struggle. But it's her choice.

That sounds awful. Hugs to your sister, and to you, too. It's hard to watch someone you love struggle.