Why does my mother find it impossible to stop talking?

[Anonymous]

Omg,sisterhood! Is this a baby boomer thing? To end a phone convo with my mother, I have to start preparing 10 minutes in advance. It takes multiple sequences of the "goodbye dance" before we really truly say goodbye and hang up. She does all the constant togetherness stuff also. It's exhausting.

[Anonymous]

I feel like this is me. I think I am just extroverted, and it is anxiety too. When I was growing up, my mother's silence meant she was distant, angry, and some bad stuff was about to go down. I feel much safer constantly checking the barometer of the room by being in conversation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if we're watching a movie or somebody is reading, she can't be quiet for more than a minute or two. She hasn't even been here for 24 hours and I'm exhausted.

My mother used to be the same. Now she's gone, and I miss it along with her.

So true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if we're watching a movie or somebody is reading, she can't be quiet for more than a minute or two. She hasn't even been here for 24 hours and I'm exhausted.

My mother used to be the same. Now she's gone, and I miss it along with her.

So true.

My mom is alive and well at age 73. And she never stops talking. When I find my losing patience, I think about how I will miss her when she is gone. This helps me dig a little deeper and find that patience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is me. I think I am just extroverted, and it is anxiety too. When I was growing up, my mother's silence meant she was distant, angry, and some bad stuff was about to go down. I feel much safer constantly checking the barometer of the room by being in conversation

I'm sorry, PP. My SIL is like this and I suspect it's for the same reason. "Checking the barometer of the room" describes her really well. It makes me sad that she can't relax when we're together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is me. I think I am just extroverted, and it is anxiety too. When I was growing up, my mother's silence meant she was distant, angry, and some bad stuff was about to go down. I feel much safer constantly checking the barometer of the room by being in conversation

I'm sorry, PP. My SIL is like this and I suspect it's for the same reason. "Checking the barometer of the room" describes her really well. It makes me sad that she can't relax when we're together.

In this situation it seems like letting the anxious person know why you are being silent might help. "Jane, I'm a bit of an introvert. All this talking is exhausting and making me feel (bad, anxious,etc). I need a little silence. It's not because I'm mad or angry. In fact silence makes me happy. If your goal is to make the people around you happy, please give me 30mins of silence so I can read and decompress. "

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this is me. I think I am just extroverted, and it is anxiety too. When I was growing up, my mother's silence meant she was distant, angry, and some bad stuff was about to go down. I feel much safer constantly checking the barometer of the room by being in conversation

I'm sorry, PP. My SIL is like this and I suspect it's for the same reason. "Checking the barometer of the room" describes her really well. It makes me sad that she can't relax when we're together.

In this situation it seems like letting the anxious person know why you are being silent might help. "Jane, I'm a bit of an introvert. All this talking is exhausting and making me feel (bad, anxious,etc). I need a little silence. It's not because I'm mad or angry. In fact silence makes me happy. If your goal is to make the people around you happy, please give me 30mins of silence so I can read and decompress. "

This would probably help. It's taken me YEARS to realize when people are silent they aren't being angry at me, they just are in their own heads. Particularly around family, this is ramped up way more. Now I can tolerate it and even relax into it but I think many extroverted types or anxious types assume something is wrong. If you are an extrovert, human interaction makes you feel better. The same way that them constantly talking makes you feel stressed, your silence makes them feel stressed. So it's about compromise, I think- I make an effort to be quieter/not try to chat all the time, and I tell them that I need some reassurance- I need to ask them questions and not get one words answers back, that kind of a thing. But communicating about it so both sides can understand the other person is I think the key, and helps to meet in the middle so both parties can relax a bit.

[Anonymous]

I have stopped asking this question and now ask why I feel compelled to listen. Really why do I?

[Anonymous]

That is my mother and daughter, OP. They mean well, but just cannot stop talking. I think it is okay to occasionally sneak away for a sanity break - sometimes I hide in the bathroom with the door locked for five minutes.

[Anonymous]

My mama is the same way! In her case, it's definitely loneliness and anxiety. She knows she has a captive audience.

I do try and remind myself she won't be around forever but every phone call is two hours. She really doesn't even need a response.

I'm going to have to be more careful that I don't do this as I age.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for all the thoughts. I'll try to be more understanding. I think I usually drink to cope and I'm currently in my first trimester with twins so I'm not on top of my game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if we're watching a movie or somebody is reading, she can't be quiet for more than a minute or two. She hasn't even been here for 24 hours and I'm exhausted.

My mother used to be the same. Now she's gone, and I miss it along with her.

Of course somebody had to come in with that old standby. So we got that out of the way.

To the PP who responded to this....Have some heart man.

Geez.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is like this and I'm an extreme introvert. I feel like I'm being steamrolled by a bulldozer and after 2 hours of the noise my ears have taken all they can handle and I need a nap. After two days I'm about to lose my mind. Most of what she says is just repeating what someone else said with unnecessary follow up questions. So like 95% of what she says is hot air that never needs to be verbalized in the first place. None of it is interesting and is just idiotic chatter. I'm amazed it doesn't occur to some people that they can think without saying everything that pops into their minds. It's all about them and they don't care how they come across or that their incessant talking is unwelcome in a room full of introverts. I'm bringing my ear plugs next visit. I think it's also a form of control. They can't stand to not be in control of a social situation and the way they control everything is by controlling the conversation, the activity, and whoever's attention they want.

[Anonymous]

My father is like this, but he feels the need to want to tell us his life story, his struggles, and why he's a success. And he wants an attentive audience, no tv, no music, no one else talking. And we can't attempt to just relax and enjoy a movie or watch a bit of tv.

[Anonymous]

My BIL is like this. I mean, I have trouble finding a pause to excuse myself to go to the bathroom. He will do things like pause the World Series so he can tell a story (much to the dismay of my husband). Worse, he tells the same stories over and over and often he is simply talking about a tv show plot and gets .....it....wrong. Once he told me that he is needed at family functions because he is the only one that can hold a conversation. I think he and his wife think they are being social as they will set each other up for lengthy stories. Family functions are so much better when they are not there.