DH said I take, take, take and never give anything to the marriage...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I pointed out that we have made a family with kids, a functioning household, two full time jobs, comfortable wealth...

He says those are things that I wanted and were done for myself, not for him.

We have sex around twice a week, one of his complaints is that I never initiate, but I never refuse either. And I am not adventurous enough in bed and don't show physical affection and move him we when he hugs and don't spend quality time and so on...

He has never communicated this clearly before, thinks it is too late to make changes and has given up on getting any physical affection from me. For example all the cuddling I initiate in bed is somehow not counted.

And the way he phrased it (subject line) hurts a lot when I am dedicating my life to my family and I was so proud of the life we built together. I just want to leave this marriage, thoughts?

Wow. Wanting to leave the marriage over this seems extreme. That said, it was an assholish thing to say, and sounds indicative of him having an affair. Blameshifting and dredging up ridiculous hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I pointed out that we have made a family with kids, a functioning household, two full time jobs, comfortable wealth...

He says those are things that I wanted and were done for myself, not for him.

We have sex around twice a week, one of his complaints is that I never initiate, but I never refuse either. And I am not adventurous enough in bed and don't show physical affection and move him we when he hugs and don't spend quality time and so on...

He has never communicated this clearly before, thinks it is too late to make changes and has given up on getting any physical affection from me. For example all the cuddling I initiate in bed is somehow not counted.

And the way he phrased it (subject line) hurts a lot when I am dedicating my life to my family and I was so proud of the life we built together. I just want to leave this marriage, thoughts?

Wow. Wanting to leave the marriage over this seems extreme. That said, it was an assholish thing to say, and sounds indicative of him having an affair. Blameshifting and dredging up ridiculous hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, what is FOBO? thanks

+1. I googled and got "friend of Barack Obama," something about Fort Bowie park, and some other unlikely stuff (although I do like Obama).

[Anonymous]

FOBO = fear of better options.

OP sounds like he's trying to justify his affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, what is FOBO? thanks

+1. I googled and got "friend of Barack Obama," something about Fort Bowie park, and some other unlikely stuff (although I do like Obama).

Fear of Better Offer.... it's classic, he literally has everything... a wife that make good money, runs a great home, has sex with me a few times a week, is raising amazing kids, healthy, home..... but he is still unhappy, so he is going to blame you because he imagines there is something better out there. But the problem is him. He chooses to see his life in a negative light.

[Anonymous]

"too late to change things" = affair, possibly just emotional at this point, but he is setting you up.

[Anonymous]

DH would be so happy if we had sex twice a week.

[Anonymous]

What a hurtful thing to say.

OP, I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship or whether or not he is having an affair or anything else specific. But I will say that a statement THAT harsh deserves to be met defensively. You need to continue this conversation with him but with your thoughts composed and prepared to stand up for yourself and challenge his misconceptions and misrepresentations. Maybe it will turn out something is deeply wrong; maybe he's going through something he hasn't shared with you and is taking it out on you. Or maybe a hundred other things.

This is one of those things you choose to fight about.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with the PP in terms of fighting over this. That will just feed his narrative of how oppressed and unloved he is. . Instead, i would try to put away the hurt (hard, I know) and basically say, wow, I had no idea you felt this deeply unhappy with our marriage. This is serious. Will you come to counseling with me? and then go, and listen. You'll have your turn to say things from your point of view.

See how he reacts. At the same time, keep your eyes and ears open. Is he on his phone more/more secretive? staying out longer?

If this is out of the blue, and basically your marriage has been good (and you sensitive to how he is feeling and not oblivious) then it sounds like mid life crisis/possible affair (either having one, or really attracted, or somewhere between).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a hurtful thing to say.

OP, I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship or whether or not he is having an affair or anything else specific. But I will say that a statement THAT harsh deserves to be met defensively. You need to continue this conversation with him but with your thoughts composed and prepared to stand up for yourself and challenge his misconceptions and misrepresentations. Maybe it will turn out something is deeply wrong; maybe he's going through something he hasn't shared with you and is taking it out on you. Or maybe a hundred other things.

This is one of those things you choose to fight about.

.

This is one of those things you choose to go to marriage counseling about.

Especially if you are so pissed that you're wanting out. If you have any desire to keep your marriage together, OP, don't just fight. Do question his very off-base, jerkish comments, but get both of you to a professional who can help you both lower the temperature here.

And I agree with others that he may be knocking his life with you because of something else going on in his head. An affair may or may not be what's going on, though. Depression can manifest in trying to distance oneself from family too.

[Anonymous]

affair

[Anonymous]

Every time I've heard this narrative, the guy's been cheating or about to cheat. Seriously, this line of thinking is so commmon it's a cliche.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he is being whiney and has a victim complex. Don't take any of it to heart, just suggest he go to therapy, which can definitely help with his issues.

[Anonymous]

Wow, many insightful comments.

[Anonymous]

I would be worried about an affair, too. Especially if he's never brought this stuff up before.