People I didn't expect to put my kid into a 1-dimensional DISABLED category

[Anonymous]

I do agree with many PPs that not to let these comments be hurtful. People are trying to help by sharing information b/c they struggled so long they don't want someone to miss out on something they learned.

In terms of your family, try to have a quiet one-on-one conversation with people you feel just don't get it. It seems more a reflection of trying to be accepting and understanding. They aren't the expert on your kid you are, and you can share your thoughts in a non-defensive way. They may not "get it" but they sound like they'd be open to learning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are being a little too sensitive and critical of people offering you well-meant advice.

We all want our kids to be considered as typical as possible and so it rankles when you feel like people are assuming your kid is less typical than you think he is.

You never know what the future holds, one day down the line you might need to qualify for SSI or consider a self contained class and the well meant advice might come in handy.

This sounds like something my MIL would say. It would then be followed by a complaint over the fact her friends never want to get together and her kids take a break whenever she gets over-zealous sharing her advice and her armchair diagnoses. She says everyone is too sensitive and then complains that her friends avoid her and my sister in law cut her off. If you aren't an expert in the field, no matter how well-meaning-there is no need to get into another person's business without their request.

9:35 here. Promise that I'm not your MIL.
One of my children has severe behavioral problems. Trust me, I have been the recipient of tons of advice, mostly not helpful, sometimes from clueless strangers. That mom in the waiting room? Maybe she really struggled with the self contained placement and could have used confirmation from someone else that she was making a good choice. Someone with a family member who needs benefits like Medicaid or ssi knows the cost of dealing with SN and they are trying to *help* you.

[Anonymous]

What it really comes down to is the impulse most parents of higher-functioning kids have to make sure their kids are not lumped in with the dreaded caste of the lower-functioning kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do agree with many PPs that not to let these comments be hurtful. People are trying to help by sharing information b/c they struggled so long they don't want someone to miss out on something they learned.

In terms of your family, try to have a quiet one-on-one conversation with people you feel just don't get it. It seems more a reflection of trying to be accepting and understanding. They aren't the expert on your kid you are, and you can share your thoughts in a non-defensive way. They may not "get it" but they sound like they'd be open to learning.

I know you too mean well, but the type of people who behave after a quiet sitdown chat are usually not the issue.

Re: they aren't the expert on your kid, you are. Yes, exactly. It's like the person with 4 NT kids who thinks she is the expert on your NT so she offers unsolicited advice because she wants to bless you with all she has learned. She also tells you things about your kid she has noticed because again she is an expert. But she isn't and nobody asked. If they asked-they go for it! Otherwise, don't be surprised when Larla's mom buries herself in a book or takes pretend phone calls and walks out when you show up to the PT waiting room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What it really comes down to is the impulse most parents of higher-functioning kids have to make sure their kids are not lumped in with the dreaded caste of the lower-functioning kids.

That could be in play for some, but probably not for most. My sister has a child in a wheel chair with CP. She gets annoyed when well-meaning SN parents tell her the therapies she needs to do to get her son walking because it worked for them and their kids walk. My sister didn't ask them for these suggestions. You don't know my nephew's medical records. You don't know the how many thousands of dollars and time has already been spent trying everything. MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are being a little too sensitive and critical of people offering you well-meant advice.

We all want our kids to be considered as typical as possible and so it rankles when you feel like people are assuming your kid is less typical than you think he is.

You never know what the future holds, one day down the line you might need to qualify for SSI or consider a self contained class and the well meant advice might come in handy.

Yeah I agree here. I never share with parents of typical kids but do chat up those of other SN kids. You don't know what they are assuming. A lot of knowledge about the SN path, managing insurance and the school system, is very hard won. I often do let other people what I have figured out. Take what's useful for you, share something you have learned and move on. You never know what you could learn in a random conversation. So many resources I've found out about for my kid have come unexpectedly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do agree with many PPs that not to let these comments be hurtful. People are trying to help by sharing information b/c they struggled so long they don't want someone to miss out on something they learned.

In terms of your family, try to have a quiet one-on-one conversation with people you feel just don't get it. It seems more a reflection of trying to be accepting and understanding. They aren't the expert on your kid you are, and you can share your thoughts in a non-defensive way. They may not "get it" but they sound like they'd be open to learning.

I know you too mean well, but the type of people who behave after a quiet sitdown chat are usually not the issue.

Re: they aren't the expert on your kid, you are. Yes, exactly. It's like the person with 4 NT kids who thinks she is the expert on your NT so she offers unsolicited advice because she wants to bless you with all she has learned. She also tells you things about your kid she has noticed because again she is an expert. But she isn't and nobody asked. If they asked-they go for it! Otherwise, don't be surprised when Larla's mom buries herself in a book or takes pretend phone calls and walks out when you show up to the PT waiting room.

Again, I wouldn't take things, especially casual acquaintances to seriously. Most people just feel the need to chit chat b/c they're bored. So change the subject, or nod politely and put your earphones in. I think we've all met people like this and it can be annoying when you can't avoid them, but in the grand scheme of things--don't let her rent any more space in your head. Water off a ducks back.

Comments that come from family members can be more hurtful to me personally. Sometimes they're meant to be hurtful but mostly stem from ignorance. They just don't get it. If some family members really don't seem to get it, call them on it at that moment. Look the person straight in the eye and calmly say, "Uncle Larlo, when you say X about my kid, I feel sad/annoyed/mad/frustrated."

Then just stay quiet and look at the person. They'll probably back down and shut up or at least say they're sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are being a little too sensitive and critical of people offering you well-meant advice.

We all want our kids to be considered as typical as possible and so it rankles when you feel like people are assuming your kid is less typical than you think he is.

You never know what the future holds, one day down the line you might need to qualify for SSI or consider a self contained class and the well meant advice might come in handy.

I think sometimes people are just trying to make a connection, so they use that as a way to start a conversation. Or they feel like their knowledge is so hard-fought that they want to share it with the world. If the shoe fits, wear it, and if it doesn't, just be polite and steer the conversation in another direction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What it really comes down to is the impulse most parents of higher-functioning kids have to make sure their kids are not lumped in with the dreaded caste of the lower-functioning kids.

Please read this OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are being a little too sensitive and critical of people offering you well-meant advice.

We all want our kids to be considered as typical as possible and so it rankles when you feel like people are assuming your kid is less typical than you think he is.

You never know what the future holds, one day down the line you might need to qualify for SSI or consider a self contained class and the well meant advice might come in handy.

I think sometimes people are just trying to make a connection, so they use that as a way to start a conversation. Or they feel like their knowledge is so hard-fought that they want to share it with the world. If the shoe fits, wear it, and if it doesn't, just be polite and steer the conversation in another direction.

This has been my experience. I have learned a lot in the waiting room for different programs, what sports and other stuff work best, but you do get some who push their doctors, providers, schools and activities as the "best." I take all the helpful advice and just acknowledge the rest.

Having a kid with SN can be very isolating for many. Instead of play groups and fun stuff, many of us spend the early years running from appointment to specialist to appointment and its hard to connect as your child is a bit different than theirs. People get very funny rather than welcoming and thinking its ok.

We don't get it from just parents, but also teachers and others till they get to know our child and realize our child isn't who they have labeled her as. I think its common to not see these kids as bright and capable when they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What it really comes down to is the impulse most parents of higher-functioning kids have to make sure their kids are not lumped in with the dreaded caste of the lower-functioning kids.

Please read this OP.

I think there is truth to this. Unfortunately, I feel that there is snobbery even in the SN world. As a parent of a LD child I get really annoyed when I hear jokes on Speechless about dumb people or in other situations where it is tossed about that between disabled persons, the ones who are physically but not mentally impaired are superior those who are mentally but not physically impaired.

It disappoints me that those who experience prejudice and exclusion will blithely do the same to another group. If you are insulting lower-functioning persons I say you lose your right to boo-hoo about how unfair the world is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What it really comes down to is the impulse most parents of higher-functioning kids have to make sure their kids are not lumped in with the dreaded caste of the lower-functioning kids.

Please read this OP.

I think there is truth to this. Unfortunately, I feel that there is snobbery even in the SN world. As a parent of a LD child I get really annoyed when I hear jokes on Speechless about dumb people or in other situations where it is tossed about that between disabled persons, the ones who are physically but not mentally impaired are superior those who are mentally but not physically impaired.

It disappoints me that those who experience prejudice and exclusion will blithely do the same to another group. If you are insulting lower-functioning persons I say you lose your right to boo-hoo about how unfair the world is.

Yes, there can be. No one disputes this. The OP was complaining about unsolicited advice. It really doesn't matter if you have a kid who is a math scholar or a child who is non-verbal wearing depends, many people will tell you, "What you need to do about Larlo is X..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What it really comes down to is the impulse most parents of higher-functioning kids have to make sure their kids are not lumped in with the dreaded caste of the lower-functioning kids.

Please read this OP.

I think there is truth to this. Unfortunately, I feel that there is snobbery even in the SN world. As a parent of a LD child I get really annoyed when I hear jokes on Speechless about dumb people or in other situations where it is tossed about that between disabled persons, the ones who are physically but not mentally impaired are superior those who are mentally but not physically impaired.

It disappoints me that those who experience prejudice and exclusion will blithely do the same to another group. If you are insulting lower-functioning persons I say you lose your right to boo-hoo about how unfair the world is.

I think the main pull away is don't make assumptions about other people's kids, and don't give advice unless asked for advice. There are just as much if not more cases where parents of higher functioning kids think they have all the answers. Many times when my kid couldn't talk moms offered me suggestions of STs and other services. They absolutely meant well, but even when I said my kids get ST 3x/ week I was told to switch to their person or try this not researched approach.

The beautiful thing about SN parenting is so many other parents in the club regardless of diagnosis are welcoming and genuinely awesome people. Unfortunately, some even awesome people decide because they are the SN parenting club it gives them a pass to jump to assumptions and not use polite social formalities (like MYOB with strangers). Honestly, this happens in many groups. When I joined an organization of other people from my culture I found that people felt way too intimate and asked way too many personal questions right off the bat. In other more diverse groups there was less of an assumption that this was OK.