Depressed because I dont have any friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same boat. I go to church, joined a moms group and a book club... Nothing has clicked.

Same here, my church is so unbelievably cliquey.

Glad someone else feels this way!

Change churches!

I hate when people say this sort of thing. You know, some people join a church. Excuse of faith reasons, and for spiritual reasons. Not necessarily social reasons!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same boat. I go to church, joined a moms group and a book club... Nothing has clicked.

Same here, my church is so unbelievably cliquey.

Glad someone else feels this way!

Change churches!

I hate when people say this sort of thing. You know, some people join a church. Excuse of faith reasons, and for spiritual reasons. Not necessarily social reasons!!!

*because of
(Autocorrect. Sigh)

[Anonymous]

It took me a good year or so in order to make friends. Even though I now have friends, it still takes a lot of effort to plan things and invite people out in order to keep these friendships alive. I tried meet up groups and those were a waste of time. I didn't click with anyone. Most of my friends are from work.

Sometimes I wish we could have a DCUM meet up for people who are trying to make friends!

[Anonymous]

We changed churches a few times, all within the same religion. There are often a couple around for each denomination and they have different feels.

[Anonymous]

Making friends as an adult is just harder no matter where you live.

The way you make friends changes and the length of time it may take to build up the type of friendship you are thinking of takes more time and effort then it did in earlier years.

Being socially awkward does not disappear instantly in adulthood and there are plenty of adults who don't have well developed social skills or miss social cues.

As an adult in any location, find groups of people you have things in common with and commit to be part of the group for a while. Get together with the group as often as you can. Offer to host the group when you can.

Expect that it will take a while to build up friendships and do not expect to instantly click. If you do, that's great but don't expect it.

Understand that all those casual chit chats that do not extend anywhere at first are the basis for long term friendships. The casual interactions often have to happen many times over - sometimes up to a year - before you move on to the friendship you are seeking.

Realize that other moms you are trying to befriend while appearing to be super outgoing or extroverted may in fact not be and be very introverted or have social issues but are just comfortable with that specific group.

[Anonymous]

When I think back to how I met any of the most important people in my life - my closest friends, longest relationships, DH - I recognize a common pattern. Basically, the friendships we make in our younger years stem from repeated, casual contact that gradually grows into spending time 1:1 which grows into spending more time together which blossoms into trust, sharing of confidences, and friendship. As our lives get busier (as we get older), the opportunities for that type of dynamic shrink or disappear. That doesn't mean you can't make new friends, but it means the dynamic will be different and/or you'll need to create an environment (join a sports league, get involved in local politics, look into socializing events at a religious institution) where you can gradually get to know people.

[Anonymous]

Put yourself on the line and ask people out. Have girl dates. You might get rejected (I have not been rejected yet. Not once). But you might not. They might not reciprocate, but they might. Actually, one of my best friends never reciprocates. I think I had about 10 - 12 girl dates over the past 4-5 months. Had fun on every single one.

[Anonymous]

Funny but I live in an insular Midwest city and thought that DC, with people moving in and out would be easier for finding friends. Guess its the same everywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Making friends as an adult is just harder no matter where you live.

The way you make friends changes and the length of time it may take to build up the type of friendship you are thinking of takes more time and effort then it did in earlier years.

Being socially awkward does not disappear instantly in adulthood and there are plenty of adults who don't have well developed social skills or miss social cues.

As an adult in any location, find groups of people you have things in common with and commit to be part of the group for a while. Get together with the group as often as you can. Offer to host the group when you can.

Expect that it will take a while to build up friendships and do not expect to instantly click. If you do, that's great but don't expect it.

Understand that all those casual chit chats that do not extend anywhere at first are the basis for long term friendships. The casual interactions often have to happen many times over - sometimes up to a year - before you move on to the friendship you are seeking.

Realize that other moms you are trying to befriend while appearing to be super outgoing or extroverted may in fact not be and be very introverted or have social issues but are just comfortable with that specific group.

+1. This is excellent advice. I make friends by repeatedly seeing the same person again and again for an extended amount of time

[Anonymous]

Make alcohol your friend. If that fails work as an escort by advertising yourself on Craigslist or tinder, whatever the bored housewives are doing these days...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making friends as an adult is just harder no matter where you live.

The way you make friends changes and the length of time it may take to build up the type of friendship you are thinking of takes more time and effort then it did in earlier years.

Being socially awkward does not disappear instantly in adulthood and there are plenty of adults who don't have well developed social skills or miss social cues.

As an adult in any location, find groups of people you have things in common with and commit to be part of the group for a while. Get together with the group as often as you can. Offer to host the group when you can.

Expect that it will take a while to build up friendships and do not expect to instantly click. If you do, that's great but don't expect it.

Understand that all those casual chit chats that do not extend anywhere at first are the basis for long term friendships. The casual interactions often have to happen many times over - sometimes up to a year - before you move on to the friendship you are seeking.

Realize that other moms you are trying to befriend while appearing to be super outgoing or extroverted may in fact not be and be very introverted or have social issues but are just comfortable with that specific group.

+1. This is excellent advice. I make friends by repeatedly seeing the same person again and again for an extended amount of time

I agree with the how to make friends their, but as working parents HOW do you find time to do this? At most I could see a once per weekend meetip which seems like true friendship is years away. And what if not reciprocated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I think back to how I met any of the most important people in my life - my closest friends, longest relationships, DH - I recognize a common pattern. Basically, the friendships we make in our younger years stem from repeated, casual contact that gradually grows into spending time 1:1 which grows into spending more time together which blossoms into trust, sharing of confidences, and friendship. As our lives get busier (as we get older), the opportunities for that type of dynamic shrink or disappear. That doesn't mean you can't make new friends, but it means the dynamic will be different and/or you'll need to create an environment (join a sports league, get involved in local politics, look into socializing events at a religious institution) where you can gradually get to know people.

+10000

Expat here who has moved around A LOT in recent years for my DH's postdoc hopping. I have become really good at making friends (when we moved to our recent location, I actually just FB messaged a bunch of other expat women in our city because I couldn't bare being lonely in another new city. And it worked! I have a great group of friends here now).

Whatever means you take to meet people, you just have to accept up front that it's going to be down right awkward for the first several hang out sessions. You're not going to feel comfortable for a while. But if you keep pushing past it, keep suggesting casual things to do with new people you meet, you WILL get to the point where you feel a connection. Don't give up! It's worth it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Put yourself on the line and ask people out. Have girl dates. You might get rejected (I have not been rejected yet. Not once). But you might not. They might not reciprocate, but they might. Actually, one of my best friends never reciprocates. I think I had about 10 - 12 girl dates over the past 4-5 months. Had fun on every single one.

Great idea, but no one I know, including myself, has this kind of free time. Any time they have is reserved for family and whatever friends they already have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Put yourself on the line and ask people out. Have girl dates. You might get rejected (I have not been rejected yet. Not once). But you might not. They might not reciprocate, but they might. Actually, one of my best friends never reciprocates. I think I had about 10 - 12 girl dates over the past 4-5 months. Had fun on every single one.

Agree with this. You are unlikely to make friends sitting at home or work. You need to get out of your comfort zone and reach out to people. You can meet potential friends anywhere, if you keep your mind open to that.

If you meet people who already have many friends and full social lives they may have little time or incentive to reach out to you. You need to make the effort to connect with them, some will be happy to befriend you while others might still not be interested. Repeat this with new people you see as potential friends, repeat with the people who have responded positively and eventually you will have friends. You might be rejected but that doesn't happen as often as you may fear and it won't hurt much if you have the right frame of mind (know that she may not be interested) and have no expectations at the start. If that happens brush it off and keep trying. I also have a good friend who rarely initiates a meet up but I enjoy her company and know she enjoys mine and I want to keep the friendship so I'm willing to initiate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Put yourself on the line and ask people out. Have girl dates. You might get rejected (I have not been rejected yet. Not once). But you might not. They might not reciprocate, but they might. Actually, one of my best friends never reciprocates. I think I had about 10 - 12 girl dates over the past 4-5 months. Had fun on every single one.

Great idea, but no one I know, including myself, has this kind of free time. Any time they have is reserved for family and whatever friends they already have.

OP said she doesn't have a friend and that is a problem for her. If she wants to fix that she has to use some of the free time that's reserved for family or resign herself to not having friends and be content with her family time. She can't have both. I have about as many friend dates as PP you quoted and find that is a good enough balance, it averages 2 or 3 per month and includes my current friends. It's not as time consuming as you imagine, one hour coffee break counts. If it makes your life happier, you'll find the time and if it doesn't positively impact your life, it's probably not worth the time or effort.