Not invited to family trip

[Anonymous]

No. Dad and I are very close. Trust me. Our family has been to hell and back on many frontiers and we are strong. He calls me about 3-4 times weekly and we have lengthy in depth chats.

This year there are more cousins than in past years and it is first year with third generation. He is often a little clueless as to how his decisions affect others. And while the presence of cousins has interfered with sibling time in the past, if we arent there, at least he feels like he is not contributing to that interference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you talk to your stepmom about it? I'd be really pissed if my husband's kids wanted to go and he excluded them. I'd cancel his plane ticket and give it to you instead. That's really lousy. Or talk to your aunts/uncles?

This is the first time I have brought up the exclusion with him....mostly because I thought we weren't included because of grandkids. But now that is not the case, I have brought it up with him directly....they are on the trip now and I am sure I will be chatting with him when they return. He is the sort that would much rather you speak directly with him if there is an issue....as am I.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW- he is not posting the photos, but other families are. He is a typically very inclusive person, but as he gets older, large groups are not his thing. He even mentioned how he likes it when we visit separately from our siblings because he gets to chat with each person individually. Hard to do with forty people or so....

So, I understand his reasons, but it hurts my feelings that cousins are included and we are not.

OP, if you are close and actually want to spend time with your cousins--rather than just wanting to be treated like your cousins -- then find other ways to see your cousins.

If you are not close to your cousins, but this is at the root only about "Their parents included them and in fairness, I should be included too" --well, the definition of "fair" that I always used with my kid was this: "Fair does not mean that everyone gets the same thing; it means everyone gets what he or she most needs."

Your father needs time to be with his siblings AS their sibling, without simultaneously having to also play his role as father and grandfather. That isn't hurtful, it's human. He may not want to wear all his hats at once. Your aunts and uncles have changed that dynamic by bringing their adult kids into the mix but that does not mean he has to do the same thing if he does not want to, nor should he issue an invitation to keep things "fair." He knows where he wants to put his focus during these trips and has been admirably frank with you about that. Can you see how your going too would be about a "fairness" that gets you what others have, but does not let your dad have what he needs?

If you were a child or teen, sure, your dad's first obligation is to his own kids; but you and your siblings are adults, and he respected that by talking to you adult to adult and telling you how he really feels. I would hope you can replace your hurt with some pride in the fact he spoke to you believing that as an adult you could understand what he's saying.

Also, please consider that as people get older they often want to reconnect with their past, and that includes the past before they had spouses or children, and they want to reconnect with the family into which they were born. Maybe he's feeling that. You may not be there yet but you may feel the same way in the future; can you picture a time when you might want to spend time with your siblings or cousins or just your best adult friends and you do not want your grown children there?

And by the way, there are SO many posts on DCUM all the time about how people in families fail to speak up and never just tell each other what they want and need (and don't want); your dad finally told you what he needs and wants to do, and that's valuable. I bet his siblings might feel the same way but be unable to tell your cousins so. Can you get past hurt and see that he's actually being a good father by telling you honestly what he needs as a person, not just as your father?

[Anonymous]

If you are not close to your cousins, but this is at the root only about "Their parents included them and in fairness, I should be included too" --well, the definition of "fair" that I always used with my kid was this: "Fair does not mean that everyone gets the same thing; it means everyone gets what he or she most needs."

I have to be honest and say I find this way of thinking completely obnoxious unless you are dealing with a child who has special needs. Otherwise it is just the parent making a decision on behalf of the kid, without their input, on their "need". If your kids are complaining then they don't think their needs are being met. Just admit you don't want to give them whatever it is they want and move on, but don't pretend everything is "fair".

[Anonymous]

I'm confused OP. Do you want to go on this trip? Or are you just upset that your cousins are going?

[Anonymous]

Hi, Op

Personally, if I were you I would take this as a do what you want to do card. Since he told you he doesn't want you coming along than you can feel free to make your own plans and not include him. Tell him it is nothing personal but, you want to connect with your cousins by yourself. Now you know where you stand so no need to spare his feelings.