Not invited to family trip

[Anonymous]

My father is eldest of six siblings. They and spouses have been going on big trips every two years for a while. When we were younger, kids were included, but as we got older, and the locations became nicer, we were not invited. FF to present day....they continue to take trips, but aunts/uncles have included their children, but my siblings and I have not been included by my father. A first I thought it was just the younger cousins without spouses/kids but this year, the other cousins who are parents are going with entire families.

I gently brought it up with my dad...he should have let me know during planning and we would have gone. Short version is he wants time to spend with his siblings and he would prefer that none of the kids/grandkids were there so that could happen. Told him I understand but it would be nice to see my family.

Don't know how to feel....family is having huge reunion, but leaving out me and my two siblings. Dad is the one behind the exclusion. Don't disagree with his reasons but feel if that it should be uniform across the generation.

Guess my feelings are hurt and I am a little bitter when I see these gorgeous photos on FB saying how amazing the trip is....

[Anonymous]

What is your relationship with your dad otherwise? Are you close? How does he and your spouse get along?

Has there been any tension between you or your spouse and your aunts/uncles/cousins?

Does he feel like he has to be on grandpa duty if your kids are around?

[Anonymous]

Ouch. I'd be hurt too. Is your mom available to talk to him about it?

[Anonymous]

That is really weird and so not OK. How come your mother isn't balking? What does the rest of your family think? Anyone else NOT invited, or not coming?

[Anonymous]

Dad and I are very close. He is remarried to a woman I am also close with. I brought it up with him in a very non-confrontational way, but I usually don't complain about much, so he knows it meant enough to me to mention. During our conversation I could tell he was a little pensive when he said, "...but I guess it would be good for you to see the family, too." My bet is after this trip he will talk with me more.

[Anonymous]

Similar in my family. My dad has 3 sisters and he's the only male. His dad is dead. Often his mom and 3 sisters and their families go on trips. They call them girls trips, but their families go too.

Families are just a bit closer with daughters and will leave out son and son's families. I've heard this from others.

[Anonymous]

I get your dad. He really wants solo sibling time, but others have invited kids and screwed up the dynamic. I would support him in this; maybe he hopes to get back to the siblings only trips and thinks that inviting his own kids would be giving up on that.

My mom started taking trips with her sisters when they were in their 50s/60s, and it allowed them all to reconnect in a way that none of them had anticipated. Those ended up being some of the best memories of my mother's life, and they wouldn't have happened if everyone had brought their families.

[Anonymous]

FWIW- he is not posting the photos, but other families are. He is a typically very inclusive person, but as he gets older, large groups are not his thing. He even mentioned how he likes it when we visit separately from our siblings because he gets to chat with each person individually. Hard to do with forty people or so....

So, I understand his reasons, but it hurts my feelings that cousins are included and we are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad and I are very close. He is remarried to a woman I am also close with. I brought it up with him in a very non-confrontational way, but I usually don't complain about much, so he knows it meant enough to me to mention. During our conversation I could tell he was a little pensive when he said, "...but I guess it would be good for you to see the family, too." My bet is after this trip he will talk with me more.

I'd let him know you'd like to go and see your cousins, and for your kids to know that side of the family as well. Hopefully he'll invite you guys next time. Honestly, men can be clueless dolts about this sort of thing sometimes.

[Anonymous]

That stinks. If you really want the see your family, book your own trip to the resort they are going to. Maybe your aunts and uncles pay for their kids and grandkids and your dad doesn't want to do that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get your dad. He really wants solo sibling time, but others have invited kids and screwed up the dynamic. I would support him in this; maybe he hopes to get back to the siblings only trips and thinks that inviting his own kids would be giving up on that.

OP here. I think that is exactly the situation. He doesn't feel like he can tell siblings not to invite kids/grandkids, but I don't think he realizes what that says to the only ones not invited. I think his sister, who invites her kids, knows I feel disappointed being left out but also knows she cannot invite us without him agreeing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That stinks. If you really want the see your family, book your own trip to the resort they are going to. Maybe your aunts and uncles pay for their kids and grandkids and your dad doesn't want to do that?

Yeah, I immediately wondered if that wasn't part of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That stinks. If you really want the see your family, book your own trip to the resort they are going to. Maybe your aunts and uncles pay for their kids and grandkids and your dad doesn't want to do that?

We are financially sound and would never expect that. He knows that.

It really is that he wants to spend time with siblings....this is the first year grandkids are going on the trip. Will let you all know what happens after he gets back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad and I are very close. He is remarried to a woman I am also close with. I brought it up with him in a very non-confrontational way, but I usually don't complain about much, so he knows it meant enough to me to mention. During our conversation I could tell he was a little pensive when he said, "...but I guess it would be good for you to see the family, too." My bet is after this trip he will talk with me more.

Not buying this. I think close means something different to your dad.

If all the other cousins are there, he isn't getting sibling time anyway. If the other cousins aren't getting in the way of his sibling time, you wouldn't be getting in the way either. Is it possible that there is something about the dynamic between you which causes him to enjoy himself less in groups when you are around, but still has fun when other young people are around? Under normal circumstances, dad would want you to be included with your family, especially cousins.

[Anonymous]

Can you talk to your stepmom about it? I'd be really pissed if my husband's kids wanted to go and he excluded them. I'd cancel his plane ticket and give it to you instead. That's really lousy. Or talk to your aunts/uncles?