Unhappy marriage - but all other happiness requires staying together

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been unfulfilled and sad in my marriage for years (he shows zero affection or attraction for me and is increasingly being a bad roommate even). But the things that do bring me joy - our mutual friends, my in-laws, our pets, our house and neighborhood, even my friendship with DH - would disappear if we got divorced.

We have no kids and I have no family of my own so his family IS my family. And we've known each other forever so our lives are completely enmeshed. And he's still my best friend, which let's be honest would not be the same if we divorced no matter how amicably. But I'm so f*!&ing depressed (just about this one issue), which has been hashed and rehashed to no avail.

What now? I know everyone will say counseling, but I have so little hope of that working. This is just the way he is and always has been (I was very inexperienced when we started dating), and I've already very clearly expressed my needs, and on the rare occasions he makes an attempt, it's so hamfisted and insincere that it just depresses me more.

I understand some of what your feeling. I was there at one time too. Don't lose hope. There is so much potential here. Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees but trust me when I say that you have too much invested to give up. Your relationship is a diamond in the rough. What your experiencing is pretty standard for relationships. At first there can be emotions but the emotions ebb and flow. Too many give up on each other when the feelings are not evident. I'd like to encourage you to refresh your commitment to your DH. Determine to love him like no one else could ever love him. Make a plan. Little things can mean so much. Do his favorite things. See him in a new light. Determine to not take what he does or doesn't do personal. Just love him. Don't look for signs that make you think he does not love you. Instead concentrate on loving him. This may sound crazy but it's the secret to a great marriage. Love no matter what. Love like it's the main purpose in your life. Love is the paint brush and you are the artist. It doesn't take anything special to give up on a relationship. Anyone can do that and many do. If you talk to people who have a long lasting and good relationship you will find that they made the other a top priority no matter what. I have determined that my relationship is more important than anything else and I plan according to that. I have the best relationship with my DH that anyone in our families have ever had the pleasure to be around. We have been married over 30 years and things get better as we go because that is our goal. Go for the Gold! Counseling is a good idea to put on your list of things to do to make your dream of an awesome relationship come true. Choose a counselor wisely. Here's a number that has helped me. It is a Focus on the Family number. 1-800-232-6459. I wish you two all the best and you can have it if you determine to not give up.

[Anonymous]

You are 41 and the life expectancy for women is 81.

Are you willing to spend the next 40 years in the same situation?

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/10/08/us-life-expectancy-hits-record-high/16874039/

[Anonymous]

You sound depressed. A clue is that you are announcing that all possible solutions won't work before you've even tried them. For example, counseling ("so little hope..."). Divorce (would lose all sources of joy). Who knows - you haven't tried either

And she also doesn't know if any of this "brand new life, you will find new friends etc." actually won't work. Except for the husband, she says everything else currently works for her. How do you know everything will magically work out for her by taking a leap into the unknown? The problem is, once she's tried it and finds out it's hard to make friends as a single woman in middle age or find a new mate or rebuild a life. And she's already thrown away the old one.

There are a TON of women who get divorced because they think they deserve to be "happy" only to find out that there is no new man or happy new life waiting around the corner. They're in a worse financial position, they're even lonelier than they were before.

I get really impatient with people who tell other people to throw out their lives because they're not perfect and "no one should have to compromise" ... bullshit. We all have to compromise in life.

[Anonymous]

If the only thing that is keeping you from being happy is affection then consider finding it on the outside. There are a ton of guys out there in similar situations. But before you do that you really should talk with a professional to make sure that that is the root cause of your unhappiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You sound depressed. A clue is that you are announcing that all possible solutions won't work before you've even tried them. For example, counseling ("so little hope..."). Divorce (would lose all sources of joy). Who knows - you haven't tried either

And she also doesn't know if any of this "brand new life, you will find new friends etc." actually won't work. Except for the husband, she says everything else currently works for her. How do you know everything will magically work out for her by taking a leap into the unknown? The problem is, once she's tried it and finds out it's hard to make friends as a single woman in middle age or find a new mate or rebuild a life. And she's already thrown away the old one.

There are a TON of women who get divorced because they think they deserve to be "happy" only to find out that there is no new man or happy new life waiting around the corner. They're in a worse financial position, they're even lonelier than they were before.

I get really impatient with people who tell other people to throw out their lives because they're not perfect and "no one should have to compromise" ... bullshit. We all have to compromise in life.

I'm not telling her to divorce, I'm pointing out that her thinking is faulty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound depressed. A clue is that you are announcing that all possible solutions won't work before you've even tried them. For example, counseling ("so little hope..."). Divorce (would lose all sources of joy). Who knows - you haven't tried either! If you start over you will lose some things (in-laws, maybe) but you will gain lots of others! That is how it works.

I agree.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am in a very similar situation to you. For me, the biggest challenge is that my husband and I have come to depend on each other for all of our emotional support. He is my best friend, though there is no romance. I'm only 45. I don't want to lose my best friend, but this is not the fulfilling marriage I wanted, either. I don't have any advice for you, just empathy-- you are not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:41 is young!

Too young to settle for another 40 years of sad.

Especially if there are no kids.

Would your answer be different if there was one child? A 2 year old specifically.

Yes.

Having a two year old is a tough time - the last 2 years were probably tough. 3 if you count the stress/sex weirdness pregnancy can bring.

Splitting up without kids means your ex can be purged fro your life; with kids, you're forever connected, emotionally and financially and likely geographically.

If you really have a young child and you're otherwise happy, stick it out for a while. I have one child who is much older and we have had HARD times. It's worth it...for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:41 is young!

Too young to settle for another 40 years of sad.

Especially if there are no kids.

Would your answer be different if there was one child? A 2 year old specifically.

NP. yes, for me that would change everything.

[Anonymous]

Op, if he is your best friend and you are fine with no kids then you need to work on yourself, otherwise, find a new partner.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry you are facing a difficult time. Although you don’t have much hope in counseling, I believe that‘s your best option at this time. A counselor with an expert opinion would be able to give you some clarity on how to best handle this specific situation. Praying for you and your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:41 is young!

Too young to settle for another 40 years of sad.

Especially if there are no kids.

Would your answer be different if there was one child? A 2 year old specifically.

NP. yes, for me that would change everything.

Same here. No kids? I'd be out of there so fast.

[Anonymous]

OP, what about having an open marriage? Maybe you could have a side guy for your physical needs? Also, why are you turning down therapy without having tried it first?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You sound depressed. A clue is that you are announcing that all possible solutions won't work before you've even tried them. For example, counseling ("so little hope..."). Divorce (would lose all sources of joy). Who knows - you haven't tried either

And she also doesn't know if any of this "brand new life, you will find new friends etc." actually won't work. Except for the husband, she says everything else currently works for her. How do you know everything will magically work out for her by taking a leap into the unknown? The problem is, once she's tried it and finds out it's hard to make friends as a single woman in middle age or find a new mate or rebuild a life. And she's already thrown away the old one.

There are a TON of women who get divorced because they think they deserve to be "happy" only to find out that there is no new man or happy new life waiting around the corner. They're in a worse financial position, they're even lonelier than they were before.

I get really impatient with people who tell other people to throw out their lives because they're not perfect and "no one should have to compromise" ... bullshit. We all have to compromise in life.

^^^
This. I know so many women who thought they deserved more, divorced their husbands and ended up bitter and alone and relatively poor. Not one of their husbands had trouble finding a new wife and most are living far better than their former wives. The OP should work on building a life separate from her marriage. Take classes, travel, join a church, whatever. It doesn't mean you have to leave him and give up everything. It just means you need to find social and intellectual fulfillment outside your marriage. The whole concept of marriage as the be all and end all is a modern invention. It doesn't work that way for many.