Unhappy marriage - but all other happiness requires staying together
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I have been unfulfilled and sad in my marriage for years (he shows zero affection or attraction for me and is increasingly being a bad roommate even). But the things that do bring me joy - our mutual friends, my in-laws, our pets, our house and neighborhood, even my friendship with DH - would disappear if we got divorced.
We have no kids and I have no family of my own so his family IS my family. And we've known each other forever so our lives are completely enmeshed. And he's still my best friend, which let's be honest would not be the same if we divorced no matter how amicably. But I'm so f*!&ing depressed (just about this one issue), which has been hashed and rehashed to no avail. What now? I know everyone will say counseling, but I have so little hope of that working. This is just the way he is and always has been (I was very inexperienced when we started dating), and I've already very clearly expressed my needs, and on the rare occasions he makes an attempt, it's so hamfisted and insincere that it just depresses me more. |
Anonymous
|
How old are you? I understand why it would be tough, but you have no kids. Get out. Kids are the only reason to stay in a situation like you are describing.
You'll keep some of the friends. You'll find a new house and neighborhood you love. It will suck short-term for sure, but depending on your age and your dating prospects (frankly), I wouldn't just settle for a life of sad and depressed in your marriage. You can't live your life in fear of the unknown. |
Anonymous
41. |
Anonymous
|
41 is young!
Too young to settle for another 40 years of sad. Especially if there are no kids. |
Anonymous
Would your answer be different if there was one child? A 2 year old specifically. |
Anonymous
|
NP here. Why are you posing the hypothetical about a 2 year old? Is there or is there not a child in the picture? Yes, it makes a huge difference. But honestly, I am a person who did get out of a sad marriage after ten years even though two youngish children were involved, and life has been much, much happier since.
I know it's rough in your case if his family is your family, but if you find a happier relationship in the future, you'll adopt a new family, and nothing stops you from keeping in touch with your current husband's family (though you won't spend holidays together any more). I am still in touch with some of my ex-inlaws. My ex-sister-in-law says about me, "This is my friend, who used to be married to my brother..." |
Anonymous
|
It sounds like you've got a lot to lose, and the things you will lose fall into the category of things you will value even more as you get older.
I think you must try counseling. Even if you don't think it will work, you should try. Why not? |
Anonymous
|
41 is young..??!
OP, you sound like you got married very young, before you even had an idea what you wanted in a mate....a relationship even. Now at mid-life, you know yourself much better and what you want out of your precious life. W/out any dependents, it will be so much easier for you to walk. While the unknown can be quite scary, it can also be a fresh new beginning for you as you enter the second part of your life. You will regret the rest of your entire life if you stay. The older you get, the tougher it will be to leave. Best of luck to you. 
|
Anonymous
| Get screened for depression. You sound like you might have it. If so, get some treatment. |
Anonymous
|
Does your partner know this - that he essentially holds the keys to your 'happiness', That's not a healthy situation . As someone who has kids and was in a similar situation I'd say be realistic about the power dynamic between you. I got divorced and with hindsight it's clear my ex was not such a great friend and nor were many of our friends. Better to be with someone else who truly appreciates you and vice versa. |
Anonymous
|
Maybe there is another reason.
There is the phenomenon of extremely increased libido for women in their 40s. That is the time when women will also do an inventory of their marriage or relationship. Be very careful and strategize how you will change your marriage into the love-affair you desire. |
Anonymous
What!?!?!? |
Anonymous
| Start building your life. Make new friends, find new interests. As your world gets bigger, your perspective on what this relationship means in your life may change. |
Anonymous
| You sound depressed. A clue is that you are announcing that all possible solutions won't work before you've even tried them. For example, counseling ("so little hope..."). Divorce (would lose all sources of joy). Who knows - you haven't tried either! If you start over you will lose some things (in-laws, maybe) but you will gain lots of others! That is how it works. |
Anonymous
Read the relationship forum, both explicit and non-explicit. Many women at this age are reporting an increased libido and also reporting dissatisfaction with their marriage. What is to say that this is not exactly what is happening with the OP? |