My parents never visit us - should I be hurt?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are retired living in Arizona. We visit them with our kids twice a year so we see them on a regular basis, but they never travel to see us. They don't express the desire to visit us, but regularly visit their friends in other states. My mom visits one of her friends every month or so for a week at a time. Am I being immature feeling like she doesn't value her immediate family as much as her friends?

Feeling sad and disappointed in our relationship.

Have you ever invited them?

[Anonymous]

Of course the PPs have invited their parents to visit, I'm sure multiple times. And it's assumed that parents and adult kids can mutually bring up visits. You don't need to send engraved invitations.

[Anonymous]

It's ok to feel sad but I think it's consistent with the baby boomer generation and how they enjoy "me" time while they still can. It's not that they do not want to see you or their grandkids but they just probably are satisfied and prefer your visits to them on your time. With a fix income they may choose to travel and do things with their friends something they couldn't do raising you. Try sending a plane ticket and see if they turn that down.

My parents and in-laws are the same but if I need them to watch the kids then they will come and of course if I send them a ticket they accept the invitation.

The real losers are the kids. They miss out on getting to know their grandparents the way we did and about a generation much older than them.

I am ok with it now. I want my parents to travel and do things with their friends. As long as they are still doing those activities I know they are still healthy and mobile. I think the alternative would be much worse.

To the pp who was disappointed in their parents not wanting to live in the basement, you shouldn't be. It doesn't matter how fancy your basement is it's still a basement and it feels that way to your parents. If you want to think about having accommodations for your parents as they age try finding something with a guest suite on the first floor so they don't feel like they are living below and there are no stairs to navigate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's ok to feel sad but I think it's consistent with the baby boomer generation and how they enjoy "me" time while they still can. It's not that they do not want to see you or their grandkids but they just probably are satisfied and prefer your visits to them on your time. With a fix income they may choose to travel and do things with their friends something they couldn't do raising you. Try sending a plane ticket and see if they turn that down.

My parents and in-laws are the same but if I need them to watch the kids then they will come and of course if I send them a ticket they accept the invitation.

The real losers are the kids. They miss out on getting to know their grandparents the way we did and about a generation much older than them.

I am ok with it now. I want my parents to travel and do things with their friends. As long as they are still doing those activities I know they are still healthy and mobile. I think the alternative would be much worse.

To the pp who was disappointed in their parents not wanting to live in the basement, you shouldn't be. It doesn't matter how fancy your basement is it's still a basement and it feels that way to your parents. If you want to think about having accommodations for your parents as they age try finding something with a guest suite on the first floor so they don't feel like they are living below and there are no stairs to navigate.

Well if you read my post you would have read that my parents were with me, physically present, when we looked at the house, and we discussed them using that floor entirely to themselves as they seem to uber value 100% privacy, and they said the basement was great. It was only after the day we closed did they say something completely different. If they didn't want to use the basement suite I sure wish they would have told me BEFORE we bought this house like I asked them. It's the main reason I agreed to buy it and they knew that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep, my retired 70 YO mom has "too many problems" to come visit us - bad knees, anxiety, dog needs care, you name it.

She just drove to OBX from WAY North of here and spent a week on the beach with her friends. But the guilt tripping about me taking time off work and paying to bring the two kids to visit her never stops.

I didn't know I had a sister! My parents are just like this. Funny thing, they were "too old" when they were only 45, as well. But there's nothing wrong with them except selfishness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course the PPs have invited their parents to visit, I'm sure multiple times. And it's assumed that parents and adult kids can mutually bring up visits. You don't need to send engraved invitations.

You aren't dverypbe. I would never presume unless I was asked "are you free next weekend?"

[Anonymous]

OP before deciding to feel hurt, have you asked your parents why they don't visit you?

[Anonymous]

Do you make them feel welcome or you have draconian rules? Are your children brats or well behaved?

[Anonymous]

Live and let live, people. Stop feelibg hurt. Start appreciating what you've got.

[Anonymous]

I think there's kind of a hierarchical thing with some people. It's not a lack of love for their adult kids or their grandkids, it's just a sense that the younger generation comes to the older generation, not the other way around. My dad is a bit like this. I think he probably complained less about driving three hours to visit my moms parents when I was a kid than he does about driving five miles to my house now, which he rarely does. It annoys me a bit because it is inconvenient, but I don't take it personally.

[Anonymous]

Op, you need to ask. Ask without judgement. Make sure you have their attention. Let them know that you really want to know and understand.

It won't be resolved in one conversation. Both of you will need to reflect on what's said. And the visit pattern may change or evolve. But you have to ask.

[Anonymous]

You have every right to be hurt.

My in laws never visit us. They are a 4 hr car ride away. Their big excuse is that they are too tired by my MIL has no issue flying 20+ hours to visit her family.

[Anonymous]

U can be hurt but get through it, know that you have different values and move along. I'm chronically shocked at how uninvolved my family is so I'm over it at this point except to shake my head occasionally because I could not imagine being the same way, and I don't know where this came from-we were always a close family.

[Anonymous]

Theres really no explanation other than selfishness.

[Anonymous]

I get it, raising kids is tough, sacrificing, and worrisome. They look at it as "Been there, Done that." "Raised my kids, over!" They are probably afraid they will get guilted into "watching" the kids all the time. I tell my mom (my father passed) to travel and have fun. I send her a ticket twice a year to come out, she stays a week or two each time. My kids and hubby are difficult, I'll probably be the same way.