My parents never visit us - should I be hurt?

[Anonymous]

My parents are retired living in Arizona. We visit them with our kids twice a year so we see them on a regular basis, but they never travel to see us. They don't express the desire to visit us, but regularly visit their friends in other states. My mom visits one of her friends every month or so for a week at a time. Am I being immature feeling like she doesn't value her immediate family as much as her friends?

Feeling sad and disappointed in our relationship.

[Anonymous]

My parents have always been like this. They'd regularly drive from the south to the north of us, and drive through here without stopping. It did hurt. I had to accept that this is how it is: they just weren't going to visit. You can't change your parents, so you feel sad and learn to live with it.

[Anonymous]

Yes. It hurt terribly, especially as my mom and her second husband had free passes to fly to visit us as his son was an airline exec. Instead, she chose to bond with his grandkids, who had nothing to do with her after he died.

[Anonymous]

After he died, did she try to bond with you and your kids?

[Anonymous]

My parents never visit. They will drive fairly close to where I live and not stop. Usually the excuse is they're tired and want to get home. (No reason given for why they couldn't stop on the way down.) And they rarely make a trip just to come to us. Maybe once every few years.

Should you be hurt. Yes, I think that's one step in the process. I'm happy to report I'm now over that step and now just don't think about them very often. Not everyone gets the super involved grandparents. Invest in the people in your life that do care about you and your family.

[Anonymous]

My parents never visit. They live about 2.5 hours away by car. I live in Old Town, so they could also take Amtrak. They manage to drive to the Jersey shore every weekend in the summer, which is about two hours from them. It was one thing when they didn't visit me, but now with kids in the picture, they're the ones missing out seeing their grandchildren in their home environment (with their own toys, etc.). I'm disappointed, but I can't change things. Play the hand you're dealt, right?

[Anonymous]

Do you invite them? Not in a general "we'd love to see you" way, but specific invitations?

[Anonymous]

Yep, my retired 70 YO mom has "too many problems" to come visit us - bad knees, anxiety, dog needs care, you name it.

She just drove to OBX from WAY North of here and spent a week on the beach with her friends. But the guilt tripping about me taking time off work and paying to bring the two kids to visit her never stops.

[Anonymous]

My parents are 4 hours away by car, and have visited maybe 4 times in the decade that I've lived in DC. It does make me sad, but not as much anymore. I used to invite them a lot, but don't even bother anymore because I know they won't come.

My in-laws are also about 4 hours away - visit us about 3 times a year.

[Anonymous]

Inlaws never come. I'm not sure if it's us or them because we just don't talk about it. DH hates to invite them because he doesn't like difficult conversations.

I always invite them and we have 2 guest bedrooms and a newborn (first grandchild). We're 3 hours away. They haven't visited yet

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you invite them? Not in a general "we'd love to see you" way, but specific invitations?

9:32 here. I invite them all the time (well, maybe less so). My DD turned 4 last week. We Skyped with them. I'd skip it but they're my kids only living grandparents.

[Anonymous]

My MIL lived a five hour drive form us for 3 years and never once made the trip. After 3 trips to her, I decided I was done. If she so badly wanted that relationship as she claimed she did, she could come visit us. Never did.

[Anonymous]

You should feel hurt! Years ago we lived in California for four years and my parents were in NJ. We would visit them twice a year. They could never visit us on big holidays because there were so many other family members living near them. So we would invite them on our special occasions such as a first communion. I think they visited us twice in four years which I was OK with given the distance and so many other family events they had to attend locally. I think my wife's parents visited us twice in four years as well, from MD. My suggestion is to invite them for a special occasion and see if that works. I'd also ask them "why don't you want to visit us when you spend so much time visiting others"? Other than money or physical problems, other excuses would be pretty lame.

I have a SIL who skipped two of our three kids weddings for no good good reason. But one day with my wife she simply said "You know, I'm just not really into family." After having bailed her out financially a few times I said to my wife "good, that will be my answer back to her the next time she needs money!"

[Anonymous]

My parents haven't visited us in 8 years. They send the kids cards, packages, gifts, etc. but don't visit. My dad gets a pass because of health issues, but my mom travels frequently to visit friends and other relatives. She doesn't visit my other siblings either. My kids are her only grandchildren so I'm surprised there hasn't been more of an effort made.

[Anonymous]

I am another one with same issue. My parents live 80 miles from here off of 95, straight shot. Sure, traffic can suck sometimes, but we're talking 2-3 hours tops, and now you can use a traffic app to guide you.

We bought our current house with my parents in mind, massive finish basement with own entrance and inlaw suite for tons of privacy. My parents saw it when we were thinking of putting in an offer and agreed it was a great place for guests. And then after we closed my mother said she would never stay in a basement because it is below ground, I was so hurt.

For a long time my kids were their only grandkids. I know my parents love my children, and when I grew up I spent a tremendous amount of time with my own grandparents who lived 45 minutes away, so there was driving involved. But my parents can't be bothered. Like other posters, my parents often drive through DC without stopping and once a friend of mine even saw them in town, they were staying here and didn't even tell me. I must make 99% of the effort or my children will never, ever see them. So I go to them, even if it is for lunch or an hour. I do all the calls and facetious. I cry about it behind closed doors, but never let my children know. It is very upsetting, but I can't change them.