19 year old cousin is dating a 38 year old. Is there anything we can do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not that I don't appreciate your advice, because I do. It's honestly not something I am willing or able to do right now, and not make things worse.

As for why am my angry I suppose it's because I view this woman as being another adult to take advantage of him, and yes I view him as a child. 19 is not an adult the same way 38 is.

I'm also angry at him for seemingly not wanting better for himself.

I'm angry wth me and my husband for not being able to do more for him when we had the chance.

I wouldn't be able to stomach that, either, Op. That woman has a ton of baggage, her own kid is almost a teenager and instead of choosing a man of equal experience, she chooses this 19 year guy who is barely out of HS himself. That's not right. And that is not a healthy influence for your nephew.

Your nephew is making bad choices for himself. You can love him without enabling those bad choices.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't sound like anything you do will do any good. Either this boy looks up to you as somewhat parental figures, in which he's likely to have the natural teen and young adult reticence to accepting parental input on relationships, or you only have an on again off again relationship with him, in which case he won't likely find your input relevant.

Relationships around this age rarely last long, except when they do. This can only end one of three ways:
1) The relationship naturally ends (excellent, you got the outcome you wanted and it didn't require your intervention)
2) The relationship was otherwise going well and may have lasted, but the family interference was too much and the couple breaks up (you still got what you wanted but at the risk of immense resentment; on the other hand, if the relationship wasn't strong enough to fight for it likely wasn't "the one" anyway. But your cousin may always wonder if it could have been).
3) The relationship is "the one" no matter what anyone else does, and lasts, possibly leading to marriage (in this case your relationship with your cousin likely depends on how you treated him and the girlfriend)

In at least two of three cases, attempting to sabotage the relationship would likely backfire.

The thing about kids around that age is, they're incredibly sensitive to their own independence -- their right to make decisions for themselves and finally not be controlled by someone else like a child. Most can sense, and tend to rebel against, actual or perceived threats to their own agency. If you're very obvious about it, getting rid of this relationship may cost you your own relationship with the cousin, or simply strengthen the couple's relationship while causing the cousin to pull away from the family.

I recommend letting things take their course naturally.

When I was in my early 20s, my parents were very, very vocally against one of my first serious relationships. The relationship ended naturally for other reasons of the two of us being a bad fit together, but I never quite trusted my parents to the same extent afterwards either.

[Anonymous]

Op does not have to invite this woman over to dinner nor does she have to pretend that she approves of this new relationship.

[Anonymous]

I don't think there is anything you can do, unfortunately. He is 19 and probably sees a bit of a mom figure in her, like some women see a dad figure in an older man. Someone who takes care of things, makes them feel safe.

She, on the other hand, is in a more dysfunctional position. She needs to put that child first, and bringing a 19 year old boyfriend into their lives isn't the wisest thing in the world to do. I do wonder if she has drinking or drug problems, because people with those often go "younger and younger" because younger people often are too naive or too immature to see what's seriously wrong.

Be an ear, if he needs one. My brother was in a very dysfunctional relationship for awhile. When asked, I tried to gently discuss how each partner needs to be kind and respectful to the other. If that's actually going on, then great. But more likely it's not. I'd just remind him that he always has a home with you (if that's true), and that home/romantic relationships should be a sanctuary, filled with kindness and respect. Don't say "love," because of a lot of people think their dysfunctional passion is love. If his relationship isn't kind and respectful, then maybe he needs to make some changes. Focus on healthy dating behavior instead of what's specifically wrong with this woman.

[Anonymous]

^That is very well stated and very good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just what did you find out on Instagram?

That he's in a relationship with a 38 year old woman with a 12 year old child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing drugs are involved in this "relationship".

I would say that is more likely than not. He had problems with drugs when he was younger. I would not be surprised to find he was using again. I would also not be surprised to find out she is providing the drugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't sound like anything you do will do any good. Either this boy looks up to you as somewhat parental figures, in which he's likely to have the natural teen and young adult reticence to accepting parental input on relationships, or you only have an on again off again relationship with him, in which case he won't likely find your input relevant.

Relationships around this age rarely last long, except when they do. This can only end one of three ways:
1) The relationship naturally ends (excellent, you got the outcome you wanted and it didn't require your intervention)
2) The relationship was otherwise going well and may have lasted, but the family interference was too much and the couple breaks up (you still got what you wanted but at the risk of immense resentment; on the other hand, if the relationship wasn't strong enough to fight for it likely wasn't "the one" anyway. But your cousin may always wonder if it could have been).
3) The relationship is "the one" no matter what anyone else does, and lasts, possibly leading to marriage (in this case your relationship with your cousin likely depends on how you treated him and the girlfriend)

In at least two of three cases, attempting to sabotage the relationship would likely backfire.

The thing about kids around that age is, they're incredibly sensitive to their own independence -- their right to make decisions for themselves and finally not be controlled by someone else like a child. Most can sense, and tend to rebel against, actual or perceived threats to their own agency. If you're very obvious about it, getting rid of this relationship may cost you your own relationship with the cousin, or simply strengthen the couple's relationship while causing the cousin to pull away from the family.

I recommend letting things take their course naturally.

When I was in my early 20s, my parents were very, very vocally against one of my first serious relationships. The relationship ended naturally for other reasons of the two of us being a bad fit together, but I never quite trusted my parents to the same extent afterwards either.

Unfortunately there isn't much of a relationship between us now. My husband and I were briefly his guardians but that did not end well. He's been in and out of contact with us since then. The last actual contact we had was a drunken phone call months ago. I mostly know what he is doing from his social media activity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think there is anything you can do, unfortunately. He is 19 and probably sees a bit of a mom figure in her, like some women see a dad figure in an older man. Someone who takes care of things, makes them feel safe.

She, on the other hand, is in a more dysfunctional position. She needs to put that child first, and bringing a 19 year old boyfriend into their lives isn't the wisest thing in the world to do. I do wonder if she has drinking or drug problems, because people with those often go "younger and younger" because younger people often are too naive or too immature to see what's seriously wrong.

Be an ear, if he needs one. My brother was in a very dysfunctional relationship for awhile. When asked, I tried to gently discuss how each partner needs to be kind and respectful to the other. If that's actually going on, then great. But more likely it's not. I'd just remind him that he always has a home with you (if that's true), and that home/romantic relationships should be a sanctuary, filled with kindness and respect. Don't say "love," because of a lot of people think their dysfunctional passion is love. If his relationship isn't kind and respectful, then maybe he needs to make some changes. Focus on healthy dating behavior instead of what's specifically wrong with this woman.

His own mother was not fit to be a mother and he suffered because of it. I can't imagine why he'd want to be with a person who is seemingly the same way, but you may be on to something. I love him as my own and would welcome him in our home at any time but unfortunately he's decided that isn't what he wants right now.
And I'm stuck watching him destroy hi life knowing there's not much I can do, and wish that I could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not that I don't appreciate your advice, because I do. It's honestly not something I am willing or able to do right now, and not make things worse.

As for why am my angry I suppose it's because I view this woman as being another adult to take advantage of him, and yes I view him as a child. 19 is not an adult the same way 38 is.

I'm also angry at him for seemingly not wanting better for himself.

I'm angry wth me and my husband for not being able to do more for him when we had the chance.

I wouldn't be able to stomach that, either, Op. That woman has a ton of baggage, her own kid is almost a teenager and instead of choosing a man of equal experience, she chooses this 19 year guy who is barely out of HS himself. That's not right. And that is not a healthy influence for your nephew.

Your nephew is making bad choices for himself. You can love him without enabling those bad choices.

Thank you for understanding PP. I truly don't want to push him away more than he already is, but I can't be okay with this.

[Anonymous]

The one thing you can and should do is talk to him about the 12 year old girl.

He should NEVER put himself in a position where he is alone with his girlfriend's daughter. That isn't fair to him, if she gets mad at him for some reason and accuses him of improper behavior.

He shouldn't agree to babysit her, or pick her up after school, or anything like that. I'm not saying he would do or say anything inappropriate, but she could accuse him of doing so and he would not be believed if he protested innocence.

[Anonymous]

He is having his MILF. Every teenagers dream

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing drugs are involved in this "relationship".

I would say that is more likely than not. He had problems with drugs when he was younger. I would not be surprised to find he was using again. I would also not be surprised to find out she is providing the drugs.

Or it's a late 30s female high libido along with a hot young bod thing. Who knows.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your cousin has lots of problems. I don't think you can blame the gf for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your cousin has lots of problems. I don't think you can blame the gf for that.

I don't blame her for his problems.
I do have a problem with her though. She is a grown woman and a mother with a child not much younger than my cousin who is a teenager!. I feel like she's taking advantage of his youth and other issues.