Messed up with my BIL - help me make it right
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Anonymous
Yep. Just do it though! Send the card with any memories you have of the deceased. Honestly, I remember who didn't with my dad. It does make me pull back from the relationships a bit. Order something on amazing,make a donation if they asked, send food. Were you too far away to go to the funeral? |
Anonymous
| I would send some food now (its helpful not RIGHT away because everyone does) and I would honestly send a note that says exactly what you told us. Don't elaborate more, making it all about you but just be honest that you wished you had contacted further and won;t let feeling awkward get in the way of important stuff again. I bet he will appreciate it |
Anonymous
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OP - i actually understand.
I hate making phone calls or talking to people in general, and never know what to say. (I am so much better in a text or email.) And it seems the longer I put it off, that's just another reason to not want to call - to explain why I put it off and then to say what I didn't know how to say initially. I am this way in so many situations - when something tragic happens, when someone . I Years ago, my lovely SIL had a late miscarriage and when her husband (DH brother) let us know, we offered our sympathies; but I kept putting it off calling her because I didn't know what to say. I was talking to a friend a couple of weeks later and she said I should def reach out , and that it would be more awkward when I finally see her and not have ever called.... So I did. I just said "hello... I'm sorry" and my SIL took over the conversation. She expressed that she was waiting for me to call  And then she just poured out the details of what happened and how she felt. I just listened, and then told her i was there if she needed to talk.
You've gotten great advice here. Just want you to know that I understand anxiety over these situations. |
Anonymous
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Don't anquish over this OP. Your relationship w/ your BIL means you have ample time to acknowledge his loss.
Make a donation. Send a nice note or card. Ask how he's doing in a few weeks (when all the initial rush of sympathy slows it's nice to have people remember you're still grieving) or at holiday times, or when the anniversary of her death is coming up. |
Anonymous
| Your DH called and that should include you as well, so I don't think your BIL is thinking you didn't call. So he is your BIL, obviously from your DH's side? Is he married to your DH's sister? Anyway, brother called his sister and her husband and that is sufficient response for the whole family that includes you. |
Anonymous
| DON'T send him what you wrote. Don't make it about you and your processing of these events. Just make a donation and send a card. |
Anonymous
| PP here: I should add that after my mum passed, going through condolence cards with lengthy apologies and explanations of why people couldn't make earlier contact/how they are busy or bad with loss etc was very taxing at first, then got annoying real fast. He isn't there to help you process your grief so don't add to his. |
Anonymous
| I would send him a favorite food item along with a note saying you and DH are thinking of him. |
Anonymous
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As someone who once suffered a loss (a child), I can tell you that the first couple weeks are kind of overwhelming with the onslaught of condolences, flowers, cards, etc. You're still kind of in shock, and then there's a tidal wave of messages coming your way. I really didn't judge anyone for how they handled the loss with me - some people are more comfortable with that kind of thing than others. The grief stayed with me much longer after the phone calls and cards stopped. So I bet he would appreciate it anything from you, no matter the timeline or how late it was.
The important thing is not to make it about you and easing your own anxiety about how you felt you handled it. Focus on what would be thoughtful and meaningful to him. Actually, there were two people who really rubbed me the wrong way during that time. One person actually just wouldn't leave me alone, kept getting upset at me for not talking about it with her. I was never THAT close with her. And she just kept making everything about her. And kept telling me depressing story after depressing story about her or her friend, and would not stop. Or about how my child's spirit kept visiting her and all this other supernatural stuff. The other person was similar - self absorbed. Asked briefly about how I was doing, and then went on and on about all her boyfriend troubles and drama. |
Anonymous
Please don't do this. That really puts him in the position of comforting you when it should be the other way around. It's really rude to make someone else's tragedy all about you. |
Anonymous
| OP, I don't think you messed up. Two weeks is hardly any time at all. In the first two weeks, he will be dealing with a lot of practical details of the estate. Your timing was just fine. Please don't think about this at all. |
Anonymous
100% agree. This would be the worst possible course of action! |
Anonymous
NO NO NO. None wants to hear what a baby OP is about when someone else's parent dies. He doesn't need to coddle or worry about your fears that keep you from doing the right thing. Don't bother your BIL with this nonsense! |
Anonymous
Agree 100% |
Anonymous
| Its not too late....Just write a note, send them a meal or make a donation in honor of his father...My Dad died suddenly and my SIL never called, sent a card or said anything to me in person....It still stings. |