Messed up with my BIL - help me make it right
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| My BIL's mom passed away about 2 weeks ago, and I only just go around to phoning him to offer my condolences. I have a real fear of talking to people when anything like this is involved, and I put it off.. and put it off... And now I did it. He was lovely as always and thanked me. And I felt like the biggest oaf for letting my fear taking over. We didn't even send flowers or anything. What can we do now at this late date to at least show that we are not completely horrible relatives? I should say that we have a great relationship. The failure was in not calling earlier (although DH did so) and in not organizing sending something for the funereal. Please help make this better with your suggestions |
Anonymous
| You can still send something. Flowers are a little useless though. Why not send food, or make a donation in her memory to like, American Cancer Society or whatever if she died of cancer, or the Michael J Fox Foundation if she died of Parkinsons, etc. |
Anonymous
|
First of all, you can save this. Everyone always sends stuff at the beginning and don't realize that pain stays with the grieving family for at least a year. So you can send them stuff throughout the year, actually. "I am thinking of you and hope you are healing" or a note to that effect.
Second, it's a little strange that you wouldn't be notified about the funeral arrangements so you could attend, unless that's really not the relationship you have with that side of the family? It was a faux-pas to call so late, but as long as you said the right things, it's OK. Plus, see first point. |
Anonymous
| Send him what you wrote |
Anonymous
| Op, what were you afraid of? |
Anonymous
| You can send flowers or at least a card on the one month anniversary... |
Anonymous
| Set a reminder to call him in the next few months/years. People always get flooded during the initial period of grieving, then they fall away. Don't fall away. |
Anonymous
| I told him over the phone why I kept putting off making the call. I just freeze in these situations. Its not about me. But I have an extreme case of "I don't know what to say" and panic. Some great ideas here. |
Anonymous
| I think you're fine. Your DH reached out to him earlier and now you have reached out. That's twice from your family. If you want to follow up with flowers you can. I would not send him a note saying what you said here, as one PP suggested. That puts him in the position of having to make YOU feel better, and that's not what he should be focusing on right now. |
Anonymous
| thanks |
Anonymous
| Make a donation to a relevant charity in his mom's honor. |
Anonymous
+100 |
Anonymous
OP unfortunately, you made the call to him all about you and your neurosis around the dead. You should have simply called and extended your condolences about the death in his family and not even mentioned yourself. Take a do over and write anote that focuses on him and his family and not on your issues. |
Anonymous
+2 how many dcum relationship issues would be resolved if ops just wrote the post in a letter to the other person? Op, the best option is always sincere communication. |
Anonymous
|
The fact that your husband reached out will be taken like you both did so no worries OP.
You can still send a lovely sympathy card however.... |