Single Parents: tell me how you do it!
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Anonymous
I kept my lucrative career and it helped me a lot because like OP I don't have family to help us. First, it qualifies you for a nicer apartment. I moved into an apartment building with covered parking, etc. and I highly recommend this to single moms. I didn't have to remove snow from the car or shovel sidewalks. I could take my trash to the chute down the hallway in my slippers. I didn't have to work on the roof or the hot water heater or the yard. Second, money helps you buy help. I used a morning babysitter. I worked 6:30 am to 2:30. DS slept while I went off to work. She fixed his bag lunch, got him up, fed him breakfast, got him to bus stop. This gave us a lot of time together in afternoon to play or grocery shop or to take him a sport practice or to come home and unwind while I "cooked" dinner. Third, I totally agree about housekeeping. Chances are your child will not remember thinking "I really wish our apartment looked tidier" but chances are your child will remember if you guys had any fun together or if you were just screaming at him the whole time. I would relax on this front. Fourth, I used a lot of microwave Trader Joes meals. That's just me. I found it a lot easier to deal with (less clean up, DS liked the food, etc.) Fifth, you need to use Netflix/kid show times. I let DS watch an episode of his favorite show while I got dinner on the table. You need to find ways to locate down time for both of you, as a PP said. You can do this. I think it's very important to have priorities and to not let yourself fall into the thinking "I have to be doing everything." |
Anonymous
| Completely agree with all advice above re house and food. Let it go. Buy prepared or semi prepared food if you can afford it. The nights I shop, cook, eat as a family, and clean up dinner is a big time investment. Some days makes more sense for me to spend time helping with homework or putting laundry away. I also find cleaning in 10 minute bursts work better for me. (During a half hour tv show spend 10 minutes dusting. When getting kids into tub spend 10 minutes cleaning bathroom.). The house is usually not all clean at the same time but it is good enough. Feels organized if not super clean. Realize also you are going to have a string of days you never stop from wake up to sleeping. Get a ton done. Then you will hit a wall. Break out the movies and pizza for you and little one and give yourself some down time. You will get a second wind but need to regroup when you get worn out. If you have time alone and enjoy it at all strongly recommend cardio exercise. Helps body and soul. |
Anonymous
| If you can move, move. I HATE that I'm all alone here, and friends don't cut it. You need family. |
Anonymous
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I make lists.
I get up extra early and get stuff done before the kids wake up. |
Anonymous
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I would either move to where your village is or move your village to you (if DC is that lucrative for you). You can always move back.
If you opt to say, find a babysitter you trust and make it work in the budget. Same goes for a PT housekeeping service. |
Anonymous
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I'm a widower with three kids. I never, ever thought I'd be a single parent and we live in the DC area while my parents are on the west coast, so no major family support.
The first thing I did was downsize my job. I make a decent living, but I went from being a partner in a big firm to working in-house. The hours are consistent, I take the kids with me to work (daycare is a block away) and we drive home together. It's an extremely telecommute friendly job and I don't travel (maybe once a year). Second, I made the decision to move to a smaller house. It's just the three of us and I couldn't handle the maintenance of a yard on top of everything. We live in a nice townhouse that's about 45 minutes closer to work than our old house. I also made the move for personal reasons obviously (we built the old house together), but downsizing was smart nonetheless. Third, I have a routine schedule for EVERYTHING. Grocery shopping, menus, laundry, activities, etc. Everything is planned and I pretty much have every minute of time accounted for until the kids go to bed. I don't exercise, but I lost 30 pounds on the grief diet. I imagine someday I will get back into running. Fourth, I have a cleaning lady who comes and does a deep cleaning bi-weekly. Fifth, you just make do. You try your best and you hope for the best because life is imperfect, we're imperfect, but that doesn't take away from the deep, deep love I have for my kids. This isn't the life I imagined for myself. But you don't get to choose sometimes. |
Anonymous
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I work in international development and plan to move overseas for cheaper childcare and house help.
In the US. I deal with a messy house and order blue apron |
Anonymous
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10:24 - I'm so sorry for your loss. Sounds like you're handling things well, and you have some good advice for the OP. Good luck to you in the future!
OP, I agree with the others - if you have a good career here and a village of people, stay. I considered moving home after I had my daughter, but my village is mostly here. (plus her dad decided to be involved, and he's here.) Accept that everything is not always going to be "done" and that's ok. My house and car are much messier than they were before the kid. Sometimes I feel like I'm slogging through the days because we're in a rut of stuff we have to do. The day-to-day can be hard, but the long term can be really rewarding. |
Anonymous
So lucky! |
Anonymous
I could also move back to the country where I was born and it would be cheaper but the job prospects are abysmal. So, like you, I deal with a messy house and eat a lot of take out. I just realized spending a precious few moments with my son at night was more important than a clean house. I also value my sleep more than a clean house and can ignore the dust like a champ. My kid will probably grow up to be very messy, but at least he will know he was loved 
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Anonymous
This. I took a big pay cut and moved back to my little hometown. Despite less money, I loved the job. And the COL was dramatically lower. I rented a little house just a few miles from my parents and from my sisters and brothers. I needed the support and I wanted my kids to have the benefit of extended family nearby. It was the best decision I could have made. I felt my stress level plummet as soon as I drove across the border back home. No more rushing around, no more traffic or commute, no more worrying about daycare and sick kids, ... Just friendly people, a dramatically slower pace, wide open spaces, and the support of family. I swore I would never remarry. But about a year after I moved back home I married my best friend. Sometimes life works out perfectly. |
Anonymous
It really depends. Being near family is no guarantee they will help out or even be willing to do so. |
Anonymous
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I'm a single mom of a 1 year old so I feel your pain OP. It's very hard. I do have family in the area but they are not a huge help - but it does help having them around if that makes sense. I have worked hard to build my village. I joined a single mom's meet up group. Joined every new Mom's support group I could find. It doesn't make things easier, just more enjoyable to be out of the house. Plus, it's great to have people with same age children to vent to. The Mom's groups are great because nobody cares that you are single. And it really hasn't been too awkward at get togethers.
I pay more to live very close to work, daycare is right by where I live so that I can go home first before I do pick up. I live in an apartment building so I don't have to worry about anything and feel very safe. I try to run some errands during downtime at work. Sometimes I drop my son off early and run to Target (they open at 8). My place is an absolute wreck. I'm working on that. Plan on hiring a periodic house cleaner. It's still really hard to get myself fed properly. I usually pick up take up on the way home from work before I pick up my son. Use Seamless a lot. Next step is to start doing some kind of meal prep and bulk grocery shop. It's a work in progress for sure. But you can do it OP! If you have a loving and supportive family, start checking out jobs. Maybe go home for an extended visit and see what that's like. |
Anonymous
I have to agree with all of this. Outsource as much ch domestic stuff that you can. I wish I used peapod earlier. Now I rarely go to a grocery store. I go out every Sunday with my DD (she's 4 now) and we explore everywhere. Get a couple of good babysitters and use them at least every other month to stay on their radar and do your dd feels comfortable with them. Also have a good overnight babysitter. I travel a few times a year and have no reservations about doing so. |
Anonymous
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My number one piece of advice is to let go of the house. My house is a mess, and that's ok. We're not planning on company. Kudos to those who can afford a maid, that's way out of my budget. Don't have a series of boyfriends or girlfriends in and out. This to me is the number one predictor of mental health issues in kids in a single parent family.
I can't really think of anything else. I've been doing this for almost a decade now and I've just gotten more worn out as the years go by. I do t think it gets easier, I think the tiredness starts to snowball. But my children are the light of my life. At least I can look back one day and say I did right by them. |