What do I tell DS about this party situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you run into the mom again, I would ask her why she told her son that you declined the party? I wouldn't let her off so easy.

+1

[Anonymous]

I have a child that is left out a lot so I know how it feels. Still, my advice is to assume positive intent (as hard as it is). Just say that the bday boy asked your son why he wasn't at the party and that you didn't realize he was invited (or that you didn't get the invite). And then let her respond.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you need to assume positive intent, but I also don't think there is any point in mentioning it to her. What will that accomplish that will benefit your son?

[Anonymous]

I would tell your son the truth -- you didn't get an invite.

Then, contact the mom and make sure she has the "right contact information." You just want to make sure since it seems there was some confusion about the birthday party. The kids seem to think the invite was declined, when in fact one wasn't received.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you need to assume positive intent, but I also don't think there is any point in mentioning it to her. What will that accomplish that will benefit your son?

Her son won't know it, but the mom will know that her fabrications have made their way through to OP's son.

[Anonymous]

Sympathizing OP- my DS10 was not invited to a party that included most/all the boys in his class. He found out about it because naturally all of the boys talked at school, in front of my son, about what fun they had at the party.

I think I was more hurt on my DS's behalf, than he was-- I noted that most of the grudge was mine, so I encouraged him to let it go, and I did the same. We're having a big birthday party for DS in a few months and inviting the entire class. Yikes.

In your case, I would say you didn't get the invitation, perhaps it got lost in the mail. This way, he can blame the mail, not you...and he won't feel the sting of being deliberately left out by the boy's parents.

One thing I do want to say-- my DS has a couple of high maintenance friends that I will not have in combination at my house. It's too much. However, I am very clear that he has to choose when he wants them both (this is for play dates, not parties). I let him know "your friends are great, but no way can I handle the three of you-- Larlo for this day, and Larlo2 for this day-- not together." Tangent, but I'm providing a scenario where a parent may say "uh, uh" out of self preservation.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you need to assume positive intent, but I also don't think there is any point in mentioning it to her. What will that accomplish that will benefit your son?

Her son won't know it, but the mom will know that her fabrications have made their way through to OP's son.

Yes, that is obvious, but I don't tend to do things to let people know I think little of them unless there is some palpable benefit to me or my family. In this case, it seems that there would not be.

[Anonymous]

Presumably the reason to mention it to the other mom would be to (1) let her know, politely, that you/your son/her son found out that she excluded your son and then lied about it to her son (assuming that's what happened), and (2) possibly shame her into not doing that next time, preferably by inviting him. These both seem like reasonable goals to me, especially #2. And, what do you have to lose if she is already excluding your kid. I would definitely do it in a polite, "playing dumb" way, like by saying (or emailing) "Hi! It looks like there was some snafu about Larlo's birthday party inviation--DS told me that Larlo told him we had declined the invitation to his party, but unfortunately we didn't get one. Let me give you my email address/address again to make sure you have it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Presumably the reason to mention it to the other mom would be to (1) let her know, politely, that you/your son/her son found out that she excluded your son and then lied about it to her son (assuming that's what happened), and (2) possibly shame her into not doing that next time, preferably by inviting him. These both seem like reasonable goals to me, especially #2. And, what do you have to lose if she is already excluding your kid. I would definitely do it in a polite, "playing dumb" way, like by saying (or emailing) "Hi! It looks like there was some snafu about Larlo's birthday party inviation--DS told me that Larlo told him we had declined the invitation to his party, but unfortunately we didn't get one. Let me give you my email address/address again to make sure you have it."

I would let the entire thing go if it wasn't for the mom lying about it. No way will I let her slide - she hurt my son and I can deal with that - but the fact that she lied and made it look like it was us? No way. I'd almost stoop low enough to let her son know that we never got an invitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Presumably the reason to mention it to the other mom would be to (1) let her know, politely, that you/your son/her son found out that she excluded your son and then lied about it to her son (assuming that's what happened), and (2) possibly shame her into not doing that next time, preferably by inviting him. These both seem like reasonable goals to me, especially #2. And, what do you have to lose if she is already excluding your kid. I would definitely do it in a polite, "playing dumb" way, like by saying (or emailing) "Hi! It looks like there was some snafu about Larlo's birthday party inviation--DS told me that Larlo told him we had declined the invitation to his party, but unfortunately we didn't get one. Let me give you my email address/address again to make sure you have it."

I would let the entire thing go if it wasn't for the mom lying about it. No way will I let her slide - she hurt my son and I can deal with that - but the fact that she lied and made it look like it was us? No way. I'd almost stoop low enough to let her son know that we never got an invitation.

This. I would send the mom an email asking her not to put you in a situation again in which you look like the bad guy with your own child when she was the one who excluded him. If she doesn't want to invite your son, fine. If the bday boy doesn't want to invite your son, fine. But her lie has put you in a bad position and that's really just unfair to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Presumably the reason to mention it to the other mom would be to (1) let her know, politely, that you/your son/her son found out that she excluded your son and then lied about it to her son (assuming that's what happened), and (2) possibly shame her into not doing that next time, preferably by inviting him. These both seem like reasonable goals to me, especially #2. And, what do you have to lose if she is already excluding your kid. I would definitely do it in a polite, "playing dumb" way, like by saying (or emailing) "Hi! It looks like there was some snafu about Larlo's birthday party inviation--DS told me that Larlo told him we had declined the invitation to his party, but unfortunately we didn't get one. Let me give you my email address/address again to make sure you have it."

I would let the entire thing go if it wasn't for the mom lying about it. No way will I let her slide - she hurt my son and I can deal with that - but the fact that she lied and made it look like it was us? No way. I'd almost stoop low enough to let her son know that we never got an invitation.

This. I would send the mom an email asking her not to put you in a situation again in which you look like the bad guy with your own child when she was the one who excluded him. If she doesn't want to invite your son, fine. If the bday boy doesn't want to invite your son, fine. But her lie has put you in a bad position and that's really just unfair to you.

This email would make sense if you knew with 100% certainty that this is what happened. But given that you are hearing this third-hand through two children, isn't there at least some possibility that one of them got it wrong? The other mom's son misunderstood what she said, or lied/got it wrong/made something up to try to be polite when talking to your son? Or your son did some combination of those things when talking to you? Because of this uncertainty I would approach it by acknowledging you can't be sure what happened because this is all third-hand, but say her DS told your DS you had been invited but RSVP'd no, and your DS was upset and mad at you for doing that, when in fact you didn't get the invitation. If your son wasn't invited that is fine, but you hope she can understand it was uncomfortable for you have your son see you as "the bad guy" for RSVP'ing no without telling him, and for you to have to explain to him that in fact you didn't get an invitation.