What do I tell DS about this party situation?

[Anonymous]

DS’s classmate apparently had a very fun party at his house over the weekend that DS did not attend. The birthday boy came up to DS on Monday asking why DS didn’t show up. The boy and a few other friends who were there at the time said that they all asked about DS at the party and boy’s mom told them that DS was invited but DS turned down the invite. This is untrue. He was never invited.

DS, 9, said he had no clue there even was party until the boy sought him out to ask him the question. I trust the veracity of his account of what happened. I have no problem with his not being invited. DS has ADHD and some behaviors, which are pretty mild at this point and all at school, but I completely understand if a parent would be nervous about hosting him. The issue I’m facing is that DS was pretty upset with me because he believes I turned down the invite without asking him. I’m not sure what to say. Part of me wants to tell him that sometimes people get in awkward situations and make up excuses that aren’t true. But then I think that I don’t want to get into all of that especially since his feelings would be hurt at not being invited and he might repeat all this back to his friend which would not endear our family to the boy’s mother who already seems to have some negative opinions.

I realize this is a nothing problem in the grand scheme of things but I hate that DS is upset with me.

[Anonymous]

Tell him there must have been a miscommunication because you didn't receive the invitation. Be matter of fact about it.

Hopefully this will blow over soon.

[Anonymous]

I think you should not tell him anything except that you did not get an invite for him, or turn one down, and that you are not sure what happened. Because that is the truth. You don't really know what went on with the friend's mom. The silver lining is that the other boy clearly would have wanted your son to attend.

[Anonymous]

If the bday boy legitmately thought your son had been invited, maybe the invitation got lost in the mail (wrong email address, accidentally left you off, etc.). I would email the parent and apologize for the oversight and suggest a get-together for the boys. It really could have been an honest mistake. If the mom turns you down, then forget about it and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the bday boy legitmately thought your son had been invited, maybe the invitation got lost in the mail (wrong email address, accidentally left you off, etc.). I would email the parent and apologize for the oversight and suggest a get-together for the boys. It really could have been an honest mistake. If the mom turns you down, then forget about it and move on.

But she told other parents that they declined.

I would tell your son the true as you described. It's always easier to start with the truth, as the other parent will probably soon find out.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you can say you didn't get an invitation which is the truth. Maybe one was sent and got lost. Maybe the mom didn't invite your kid. I wouldn't assume it's the latter unless you find out more. But if it turns out to be the latter, I'm not sure about lying to your kid about it. Kids need to learn to deal with this stuff - but, I don't know if 9 is old enough to deal with it.

Anyway, don't manage it. You don't know what happened so don't try to make something up to soothe something over that may not have even happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you can say you didn't get an invitation which is the truth. Maybe one was sent and got lost. Maybe the mom didn't invite your kid. I wouldn't assume it's the latter unless you find out more. But if it turns out to be the latter, I'm not sure about lying to your kid about it. Kids need to learn to deal with this stuff - but, I don't know if 9 is old enough to deal with it.

Anyway, don't manage it. You don't know what happened so don't try to make something up to soothe something over that may not have even happened.

Oh sorry I didn't read closely. You said the mom said that your kid had turned down the invitation. Okay, just tell him that you never received it. That's the truth.

[Anonymous]

Thank you--I think you're all right to stick to the facts. I was projecting my own impressions of the boy's mom who last year invited the whole sports team over sans DS.

[Anonymous]

If you run into the mom again, I would ask her why she told her son that you declined the party? I wouldn't let her off so easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you--I think you're all right to stick to the facts. I was projecting my own impressions of the boy's mom who last year invited the whole sports team over sans DS.

Ugh, I detest people like this.

Next time you see her you make a point of her having your correct email since two invitations have gone astray,

"Here's my email Larla since I know you're not the kind of person who would exclude anyone."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you--I think you're all right to stick to the facts. I was projecting my own impressions of the boy's mom who last year invited the whole sports team over sans DS.

Ugh, I detest people like this.

Next time you see her you make a point of her having your correct email since two invitations have gone astray,

"Here's my email Larla since I know you're not the kind of person who would exclude anyone."

Or "Don't tell people we declined your invitation when you didn't actually send one."

[Anonymous]

I would tell my son if we could, we would have loved for you to go but we never got an invitation. I didn't know about the party. Either the invitation go lost or he was not invited.

[Anonymous]

I would mention all of this to the other mom. So what if she gets uncomfortable? You and your son are both uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the bday boy legitmately thought your son had been invited, maybe the invitation got lost in the mail (wrong email address, accidentally left you off, etc.). I would email the parent and apologize for the oversight and suggest a get-together for the boys. It really could have been an honest mistake. If the mom turns you down, then forget about it and move on.

But she told other parents that they declined.

I would tell your son the true as you described. It's always easier to start with the truth, as the other parent will probably soon find out.

Yes, I realize that. And I'm still saying there could have been some sort of mix up. It happened to us; two kids had the same last name and we invited the wrong one who declined. Then my child asked the child who'd we meant to invite about it. Things happen; give the mother a chance.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you are being far too accommodating of a woman who is unkind to your child.