5th grader with LD thinks kids are his friends but they just take advantage of him. How can I help?

[Anonymous]

My daughter was socially immature in what sounds like a similar way to your son. I tried asking questions. She'd tell me she bought a classmate a snack at lunch, and I'd say that was kind of her. And then I'd ask what she thought Larla would do if she hadn't bought her a snack? At first she was entirely blinded, saying the other kids would still stand in line with her and so on. But over time, as she thought about it, or maybe even tried it out a couple times, started saying that she thought Larla wouldn't talk to her if she didn't buy her a snack. Then I could ask if she thought that made Larla a friend, or just someone who wanted a snack. Again, at first she'd swear friend, but gradually seemed to begin recognizing she was just a kid who wanted a snack. At the same time, I was encouraging friendships with other kids where there really did seem to be a connection, setting up playdates and the like. I think those relationships helped give her the ability to accept that the other kids weren't really being friends. She had the ability to compare them to her real friends, and she also knew that she wasn't going to lose anything if she recognized them as not being friends. I worked hard at not saying rude things about the conniving little beasts and I think that helped too. I wasn't judging my daughter, I was trying to help her figure out her world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter was socially immature in what sounds like a similar way to your son. I tried asking questions. She'd tell me she bought a classmate a snack at lunch, and I'd say that was kind of her. And then I'd ask what she thought Larla would do if she hadn't bought her a snack? At first she was entirely blinded, saying the other kids would still stand in line with her and so on. But over time, as she thought about it, or maybe even tried it out a couple times, started saying that she thought Larla wouldn't talk to her if she didn't buy her a snack. Then I could ask if she thought that made Larla a friend, or just someone who wanted a snack. Again, at first she'd swear friend, but gradually seemed to begin recognizing she was just a kid who wanted a snack. At the same time, I was encouraging friendships with other kids where there really did seem to be a connection, setting up playdates and the like. I think those relationships helped give her the ability to accept that the other kids weren't really being friends. She had the ability to compare them to her real friends, and she also knew that she wasn't going to lose anything if she recognized them as not being friends. I worked hard at not saying rude things about the conniving little beasts and I think that helped too. I wasn't judging my daughter, I was trying to help her figure out her world.

Thank you for this thoughtful response! I like the question about asking what the other person would do if you said no. We talked about how sometimes kids will take advantage if they know you are nice and too kind to say no but I like how this questioning gets them thinking about it in a different way. Thank you!

This thread has been so helpful to me. There are no easy answers but I do feel better that we have tried many of the suggestions mentioned. I hope at some point (hopefully), he will recognize that being different is what makes him so special. DCUM can be a very snarky place and I appreciate this forum and how helpful and understanding you all are! Thank you!

[Anonymous]

OP, I was just thinking that maybe middle school it will be easier to "find his people." I definitely remember more of an arty crowd at middle and high school, rather than elementary school. People start to differentiate at that age, which definitely can have bad effects but also some good effects, as it gets easier to figure out which kids might be on the same wave-length as you. I feel like my 5th grader has spent years realizing that the "cool girls" are not really her people, and sort of just realizing that she's happier with the computer/fantasy nerds. There was several years of rejection from the sporty girl crowd, though!

[Anonymous]

I have a similar aged kid with a different set of special needs who is a really kind social butterfly. If he knew your son needed a real friend he would be his friend. Maybe not bosom buddies, but he'd include him and talk to him and ask him to join in play. But he might need to be told that the kid needed a friend, and asked to be helpful. So I wonder if you can identify a kid (with teacher's help, maybe) who could be a bridge for your kid into the social world of the other boys, and then you could ask the boy's mom if she'd be willing to get the boys together, and you can chat with her and see if her son might be willing to be a friend. I think small schools with good school counselors do some of this matching-up, but in a larger school your son's need for that buddy might be getting lost.