Besides sex, what are the most important things you do to improve your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Don't say no to your spouse. Unless it is something that is really uncomfortable (like ... sex in public) but generally, if your spouse asks for something, do it with love.

With love is the key, there, I think.

Yeah, and have enough money, servants, perfect children, no illness, un-instrusive parents and inlaws who like to watch your children on your schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We go to bed at same time, though I stay up later and read. We wake up together, always, and have a pot of coffee before getting out of bed.

Is your coffee machine beside your bed? Do your kids serve you coffee in bed? I don't get it.

For some reason I am very puzzled by this. (Even more than the mom whose 7 year old made spaghetti in the morning before school.)

Maybe they have a servant. Having a servant greatly improves marriage.

Something we do is to try to do positive things together, especially new experiences. Another is to try to see the other person's point of view, and to try to understand what needs are behind what they say and do. Like, he needs to feel appreciated and I need to feel heard. I'm a worrier and he's a perfectionist. Both of us had hypercritical, invalidating parents, and we spend extra time assuring each other we're heard and validated and accepted. Our kids are probably going to grow up and say, "Ugh, our parents were exhausting together" and will go out of their way to find the least intense partners they can.

This... completely.

[Anonymous]

Guy here. Here's what I do:

- Talk to her every day even if its just about how the day went.
- Always fiscally responsible
- take on at least half of the household work such as picking up, dishes, laundry, mowing, etc.
- Play an active role in parenting. Homework every night, swordfights, etc.
- Stay fit and attractive.
-Tell her how great she looks.

[Anonymous]

-I make sure to do at least one nice thing per day for my spouse, that I know he will notice. It can be something little, and is often something that will make his day just a tiny bit easier in some way

-we give each other the benefit of the doubt as much as possible and let most little things go

-compliment him in some way every day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. Here's what I do:

- Talk to her every day even if its just about how the day went.
- Always fiscally responsible
- take on at least half of the household work such as picking up, dishes, laundry, mowing, etc.
- Play an active role in parenting. Homework every night, swordfights, etc.
- Stay fit and attractive.
-Tell her how great she looks.

Another guy here - we have 3 kids (teen/pre-teen) and this describes our household and my role in the household to a tee. I also make 4-5x as DW does. I've read books that has helped me to increase my EQ so I can truly be there for DW whenever she needs. We always talk at some during the day and after the kids are in bed. I plan date nights and our adult-only vacations (we jointly plan the family vacations).

My problem is that it's about what I am doing for her and there really hasn't been reciprocation. While the thread is what else besides sex, sex (and intimacy) is a very important part of equation for me, but she doesn't seem to get this and intimacy seems to be on her terms. Struggling as to what I can do to change this dynamic around.

[Anonymous]

Practice speaking kindly to each other.

+1

This and taking a real and reciprocal interest in each other's lives. I feel like if these aspects are met, the rest will follow. (And no particular need to go to bed at the same time, write notes, etc. - though of course these are fine if you enjoy it.)

[Anonymous]

I can be sensitive and in our early marriage we used to have misunderstandings where we would each think the other was being critical even if when we didn't intend to be.

Not sure how to describe this, but to get to the root of some of our earlier misunderstandings, we explicitly acknowledged that we love each other deeply, and absolutely want the best for each other and our family, and agreed to always give the benefit of the doubt that the other has our best interests at heart and does not mean to be hurtful. This spoken acknowledgement years ago has prevented many arguments over the years and we're each able to forgive perceived slights.

We also each actively try not to be selfish. It helps that my DH is an all around solid guy. I married so well.

[Anonymous]

I ignore so, so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. Here's what I do:

- Talk to her every day even if its just about how the day went.
- Always fiscally responsible
- take on at least half of the household work such as picking up, dishes, laundry, mowing, etc.
- Play an active role in parenting. Homework every night, swordfights, etc.
- Stay fit and attractive.
-Tell her how great she looks.

Another guy here - we have 3 kids (teen/pre-teen) and this describes our household and my role in the household to a tee. I also make 4-5x as DW does. I've read books that has helped me to increase my EQ so I can truly be there for DW whenever she needs. We always talk at some during the day and after the kids are in bed. I plan date nights and our adult-only vacations (we jointly plan the family vacations).

My problem is that it's about what I am doing for her and there really hasn't been reciprocation. While the thread is what else besides sex, sex (and intimacy) is a very important part of equation for me, but she doesn't seem to get this and intimacy seems to be on her terms. Struggling as to what I can do to change this dynamic around.

Sit down and have a talk with her. Let her know that its imprtant to you, your marriage and your (you and her) ability to provide a happy and healthy upbringing for your kids. Then, gain her agreement on scheduling it twice a week - Wednesday and Sunday. On those days you'll have the kids through their routines and into bed early.

Once you start having sex, it can't be bad sex for her - that's basically torture. If you need ED meds, get them. If you're a 2 pump chump, talk to a doctor. Become a virtuoso at whatever type of foreplay she likes. If you're a fat guy, start taking better care of yourself. If you've got bad hygene, take a shower.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't have a TV in the bedroom and we go to bed at the same time, so almost every day we spend a few minutes before bed just talking, laughing, and connecting. Often it leads to more than that, but unwinding together at the end of the day really helps me feel connected and in tune with him.

This for us too. No tv in the bedroom. We go to bed together (unless someone is sick) and talk or watch things on the iPad (kind of like th but limited and we choose the things. So it's not background). We also eat dinner together every night and clean up together.
We both get a little time to unwind by ourselves after work. I come home earlier and do baby duty and DH gets 15 min to change and chill in the office when he gets home and then he's with the baby and I go my own thing for 15 min if I want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Practice speaking kindly to each other.

+1

Yup. Just put an end to the battle to the death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. Here's what I do:

- Talk to her every day even if its just about how the day went.
- Always fiscally responsible
- take on at least half of the household work such as picking up, dishes, laundry, mowing, etc.
- Play an active role in parenting. Homework every night, swordfights, etc.
- Stay fit and attractive.
-Tell her how great she looks.

Another guy here - we have 3 kids (teen/pre-teen) and this describes our household and my role in the household to a tee. I also make 4-5x as DW does. I've read books that has helped me to increase my EQ so I can truly be there for DW whenever she needs. We always talk at some during the day and after the kids are in bed. I plan date nights and our adult-only vacations (we jointly plan the family vacations).

My problem is that it's about what I am doing for her and there really hasn't been reciprocation. While the thread is what else besides sex, sex (and intimacy) is a very important part of equation for me, but she doesn't seem to get this and intimacy seems to be on her terms. Struggling as to what I can do to change this dynamic around.

Sit down and have a talk with her. Let her know that its imprtant to you, your marriage and your (you and her) ability to provide a happy and healthy upbringing for your kids. Then, gain her agreement on scheduling it twice a week - Wednesday and Sunday. On those days you'll have the kids through their routines and into bed early.

Once you start having sex, it can't be bad sex for her - that's basically torture. If you need ED meds, get them. If you're a 2 pump chump, talk to a doctor. Become a virtuoso at whatever type of foreplay she likes. If you're a fat guy, start taking better care of yourself. If you've got bad hygene, take a shower.

As a guy, having to schedule it sounds miserable. So glad I'm not there....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. Here's what I do:

- Talk to her every day even if its just about how the day went.
- Always fiscally responsible
- take on at least half of the household work such as picking up, dishes, laundry, mowing, etc.
- Play an active role in parenting. Homework every night, swordfights, etc.
- Stay fit and attractive.
-Tell her how great she looks.

Another guy here - we have 3 kids (teen/pre-teen) and this describes our household and my role in the household to a tee. I also make 4-5x as DW does. I've read books that has helped me to increase my EQ so I can truly be there for DW whenever she needs. We always talk at some during the day and after the kids are in bed. I plan date nights and our adult-only vacations (we jointly plan the family vacations).

My problem is that it's about what I am doing for her and there really hasn't been reciprocation. While the thread is what else besides sex, sex (and intimacy) is a very important part of equation for me, but she doesn't seem to get this and intimacy seems to be on her terms. Struggling as to what I can do to change this dynamic around.

We were actually told in religion class at our girls high school 'not to deny your husband sex' tvat 'sex was important to men and it's cruel to use sex as a weapon' etc etc. this was before we really knew much about sex (again - girls school) and it came from a married lady so it stuck with me.
Another girl piped up in another religion class when they were going over that 'don't give out the milk before you buy the cow bull-hockey' and said her parents were divorcing because of bad sex...

I also like sex for the intimacy and love and wouldn't/don't like being denied by the husband either.

In any case perhaps it's time to teach more girls about sex when they are young too. My DD's would scream and cover their ears but once they are older I won't hesitate to tell them this. It was indeed good advice.

Ladies - there seem to be too many lame ones who take DH for granted out there.

You just have to tell her.

[Anonymous]

We spend a lot of time together, talking and listening to each other. My man is retired. I am a freelancer.

[Anonymous]

We walk the dogs together and chat about the day.