My spouse is away on a trip, and I'm surprised at how relieved I am

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse has been gone for a week. At first it was difficult, as we have 3 young children, and the extra set of hands is nice. but now I'm really enjoying the time away from him. No walking on eggshells, no bickering, no worrying about the kids annoying him, or trying to get him out of a bad mood. I feel peace and relief. He comes back Friday. I'm kind of dreading it.
This is not good.

I used to like it when he was gone too. A few times a year, a few days each time. Then I realized he was meeting someone in those trips...we are past that now and recovering but every trip is PTSD trigger for me

Why did you stay?

I stayed because I love him and our family. It didn't happen on every trip. It happened twice. I know that because I know when they met, and when the trips were. They are separated by an ocean, so it's not like they are ducking out on Tuesday nights. He knows he was wrong. We both were in a bad place in our marriage and acknowledge that. Both want to make it work and both have worked hard at it. I have made the decision to keep our family together and am working to rebuild trust. I don't know what the future holds but that strikes me as the best decision for now. I know many will disagree with me and that's OK. You never know how you will react until you are in that situation. I will say he has been very understanding and empathetic about future trips and that has helped.

How do you know it was only one person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse has been gone for a week. At first it was difficult, as we have 3 young children, and the extra set of hands is nice. but now I'm really enjoying the time away from him. No walking on eggshells, no bickering, no worrying about the kids annoying him, or trying to get him out of a bad mood. I feel peace and relief. He comes back Friday. I'm kind of dreading it.
This is not good.

I used to like it when he was gone too. A few times a year, a few days each time. Then I realized he was meeting someone in those trips...we are past that now and recovering but every trip is PTSD trigger for me

Why did you stay?

I stayed because I love him and our family. It didn't happen on every trip. It happened twice. I know that because I know when they met, and when the trips were. They are separated by an ocean, so it's not like they are ducking out on Tuesday nights. He knows he was wrong. We both were in a bad place in our marriage and acknowledge that. Both want to make it work and both have worked hard at it. I have made the decision to keep our family together and am working to rebuild trust. I don't know what the future holds but that strikes me as the best decision for now. I know many will disagree with me and that's OK. You never know how you will react until you are in that situation. I will say he has been very understanding and empathetic about future trips and that has helped.

How do you know it was only one person?

How do we ever know? I learned of this through suggestive emails. I don't believe there were any others, but really, anyone whose spouse travels for business... this could happen to you. There is usually common interest (whatever job has them traveling to a conference, etc.), socializing, alcohol, etc. Work conferences are totally ripe for affairs. Has there been more than one? I truly don't think so. Our relationship was slipping and this person came along at a time of opportunity. Others might say you are an idiot he's been cheating on you all along, but I don't think so. We have been open and communicating well since, there is acknowledgement of past hurts, and sincere work to get better. We have two kids at home who have a loving home life, and yes, it's a very loving home life to them. So we are working through it. But seriously, everyone, beware of work trips. They are dangerous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes it takes pain relief for us to understand how much pain we are accustomed to living with. Give this some thought. You know it's not normal or healthy to feel you must scuttle around cleaning up and handling the kids and everything (especially if you both work at jobs), or that you must walk on eggshells to manage his moods or his dysfunctional ways of dumping on you.

Things need to change.

In my case, we still sigh and giggle with relief when he's out of the house because he's rather intense and needy. Lots of therapy and hard work on his part helped him change his attitudes (ingrained since childhood) that it's fine to make everyone a servant to your moods and issues. Meds helped with the darkest depression and irritability.

You don't have to live this way, but you both need to realize there's something wrong and be willing to work on changing it. If it meets his needs, and is the easiest course, he has no motivation to change. So you have to tell him it doesn't work for you.

How did you get him to go to therapy? My DH has the same issue with everyone being a servant to his moods and issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse has been gone for a week. At first it was difficult, as we have 3 young children, and the extra set of hands is nice. but now I'm really enjoying the time away from him. No walking on eggshells, no bickering, no worrying about the kids annoying him, or trying to get him out of a bad mood. I feel peace and relief. He comes back Friday. I'm kind of dreading it.
This is not good.

I have felt this way forever in my long-term relationship. My body literally relaxes when he leaves. If I come home and I see he's home, I'm like UGHHHHH. He's usually silent, but he always has this disapproving, angry presence. It gets so old.

[Anonymous]

"Servant to moods and issues." I've never thought about it in those terms, but wow, that strikes a chord.

I think that's exactly the thing that's distancing my DH from me and the kids. I wonder how to broach that topic in a supportive and non-confrontational way. Any thoughts?

[Anonymous]

This thread sounds like a gaggle of SAHM's bitching about their hard working husbands but not about the money they bring home.

[Anonymous]

My husband is also away and I miss him terribly. I also work full-time and have young kids, so it's hard to be alone at the time, plus I truly, madly, deeply LOVE my husband and miss having him around.

And yet... I am an introvert so I LOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVE all the alone time I get after the kids are in bed. Just me and whatever I want to watch on tv. Bliss!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread sounds like a gaggle of SAHM's bitching about their hard working husbands but not about the money they bring home.

I love how people on DCUM never jump to any generalizations ....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse has been gone for a week. At first it was difficult, as we have 3 young children, and the extra set of hands is nice. but now I'm really enjoying the time away from him. No walking on eggshells, no bickering, no worrying about the kids annoying him, or trying to get him out of a bad mood. I feel peace and relief. He comes back Friday. I'm kind of dreading it.
This is not good.

I have felt this way forever in my long-term relationship. My body literally relaxes when he leaves. If I come home and I see he's home, I'm like UGHHHHH. He's usually silent, but he always has this disapproving, angry presence. It gets so old.

No kids? DTMFA.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes the reason we feel relieved when our spouse is away is because of the sudden change of routine. Change of routine is kind of "breather" from the day-to-day monotony. With your husband gone, you have one less person to worry about. You feel empowered to soldier on and get things done. However, over a period of time this feeling will change, the novelty will be gone and you will be wishing for more home time with hubby. Take each day at a time and smell the roses.

[Anonymous]

I think it's perfectly normal to enjoy time away from your spouse.

Everyone needs a break from each other every now & then.

However if you realize that you are actually happier when not in his company.....If you actually PREFER it when he's gone, then you may need to take a good, long hard look at the state of your union.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is traveling soon too. I'm excited. It's like a vacation of sorts.

Kids behave and house stays cleaner!!

[Anonymous]

09:30 poster, thank you. This is OP here. Breath of fresh air. And sing old thinking points.
As for the person who says we sound like a gaggle of SAHM bitching: I also work full time outside the home, and I bring home about 65% of our household income.

[Anonymous]

OP again, sorry for the typo. Some good Thinking points. Things do need to change. In a lot of ways, I've had to start pulling back for my own sanity. I can't get sucked into his moods or try to figure out what will make him happy. I cannot fulfill that role. He's the only one who can do that.

[Anonymous]

It's hard if my wife travels. But when she dies, the kids are always in line because Indint let them get their way. They're little angels. Then, I feel less stress and we go have fin. I take them to the park, have fun outings, go out and do fun stuff in the whim. It's great. It helps foster my relationship with them without interference.