Drinking to avoid my husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did the same - I was so agitated by my husband (for very deep issues) that I drank to take the edge off of being around him. I didn't even realize I was doing it, it wasn't "problem" drinking so I wasn't concerned but obv not healthy.

We went to marital counseling, fixed our marriage in ways I never thought possible, and now while I still drink socially and for fun, I feel no drive to drink the way I was. I didn't need to address the drinking, I needed to address the problem I was escaping.

That's great.

For others, once the open that door it never changes back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't enjoy spending time with him. We shouldn't have married ten years ago. We don't make a good team. I am realizing this and instead of acting on it I am drinking too much to avoid/escape. Eventually I will get it together and move ahead, I hope.

Have others done this? How long does it take? Thanks.

If one's always drunk, it's hard to make a good team...

Not saying this is the OP but there are plenty that once they start drinking it's about the other person until they are with person #3 or 4 with the same result.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did the same - I was so agitated by my husband (for very deep issues) that I drank to take the edge off of being around him. I didn't even realize I was doing it, it wasn't "problem" drinking so I wasn't concerned but obv not healthy.

We went to marital counseling, fixed our marriage in ways I never thought possible, and now while I still drink socially and for fun, I feel no drive to drink the way I was. I didn't need to address the drinking, I needed to address the problem I was escaping.

NP here - similar situation to OP. Can you recommend your marriage counselor? What approach did they take to have you & DH work
on your marriage? (I've heard there are different ways marriage counselors can guide you to work on your marriage).

[Anonymous]

OP, my dad - I adored him - was an alcoholic. Drank to blunt how unhappy he was with our lives. He had good reasons...my mom was a hoarder and depressed, we had little money, they didn't get along, and he wa so ashamed of our home that he went from being a social butterfly to basically having no friends at all.

He drank to tolerate the intolerable.

And it was pretty intolerable for us, too. I developed so many escaping coping mechanisms, mostly food. I learned to blunt my pain. I developed lots of strength to survive the shame and loneliness. The wrong kind of strong.

He didn't teach me to change the intolerable. He taught me to blur my feelings, block them out, and stay stuck in misery.

Do you want that to be what your kids learn from you?

You can take the pain. Take the loneliness. Feel how frustrated and angry you are. FEEL it and you will change it. Stop tolerating the intolerable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my dad - I adored him - was an alcoholic. Drank to blunt how unhappy he was with our lives. He had good reasons...my mom was a hoarder and depressed, we had little money, they didn't get along, and he wa so ashamed of our home that he went from being a social butterfly to basically having no friends at all.

He drank to tolerate the intolerable.

And it was pretty intolerable for us, too. I developed so many escaping coping mechanisms, mostly food. I learned to blunt my pain. I developed lots of strength to survive the shame and loneliness. The wrong kind of strong.

He didn't teach me to change the intolerable. He taught me to blur my feelings, block them out, and stay stuck in misery.

Do you want that to be what your kids learn from you?

You can take the pain. Take the loneliness. Feel how frustrated and angry you are. FEEL it and you will change it. Stop tolerating the intolerable.

NP

Just a quick not to say thanks for being open to sharing your experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my dad - I adored him - was an alcoholic. Drank to blunt how unhappy he was with our lives. He had good reasons...my mom was a hoarder and depressed, we had little money, they didn't get along, and he wa so ashamed of our home that he went from being a social butterfly to basically having no friends at all.

He drank to tolerate the intolerable.

And it was pretty intolerable for us, too. I developed so many escaping coping mechanisms, mostly food. I learned to blunt my pain. I developed lots of strength to survive the shame and loneliness. The wrong kind of strong.

He didn't teach me to change the intolerable. He taught me to blur my feelings, block them out, and stay stuck in misery.

Do you want that to be what your kids learn from you?

You can take the pain. Take the loneliness. Feel how frustrated and angry you are. FEEL it and you will change it. Stop tolerating the intolerable.

Wow, this is so beautifully stated.

That is how I finally came out of a bad (in my case abusive) relationship. I let myself feel, and I mean really feel, what was happening. I noticed how my body (especially my gut) reacted when my now-ex did this or that. This was after a long round of counseling and small and usually unsustained changes that made me think we were making progress, but without any underlying changes. I decided that life was too short to continue living that way, and that it would be even shorter if I continued to live with that level of unacknowledged distress. The key for me that helped me get in touch with my feelings was doing a lot of self reflection, spending time out in nature, finding something to do that felt really purposeful and gave me strength, reaching out to talk with friends, and listening to deeply emotive musical compositions that moved me, literally and figuratively.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you 23:29 for sharing your insight. You are 100% right.

When I think about what I want for my kids it becomes clearer what I want for myself and our family, and what I need to do. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here--I acknowledge that my coping skills are rudimentary. Working on it.

Nonetheless, my probably STBX husband is an adult-sized child. Seriously, cannot hold a job. Has two beautiful, wonderful kids that he barely engages with on a day to day basis.

I do everything. For real. What do you recommend?

I'm sorry that he sucks so much but blaming your drinking on him is bs. He may make you miserable but you're the one responsible for your drinking and you need to address it. This is not good for your children. Stop avoiding and start dealing.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don't blame him for my drinking. This is correlation, not causation.

I have noticed that since he has been away on a work trip for a couple of days our house is calm, easygoing, kids are not being difficult. Life seems manageable. I actually like being here, really here, and don't feel the need to self-medicate myself out of the room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't blame him for my drinking. This is correlation, not causation.

I have noticed that since he has been away on a work trip for a couple of days our house is calm, easygoing, kids are not being difficult. Life seems manageable. I actually like being here, really here, and don't feel the need to self-medicate myself out of the room.

So typical of drinkers. YOu are implying or really believing your DH is the problem. He is not. You are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did the same - I was so agitated by my husband (for very deep issues) that I drank to take the edge off of being around him. I didn't even realize I was doing it, it wasn't "problem" drinking so I wasn't concerned but obv not healthy.

We went to marital counseling, fixed our marriage in ways I never thought possible, and now while I still drink socially and for fun, I feel no drive to drink the way I was. I didn't need to address the drinking, I needed to address the problem I was escaping.

NP here - similar situation to OP. Can you recommend your marriage counselor? What approach did they take to have you & DH work
on your marriage? (I've heard there are different ways marriage counselors can guide you to work on your marriage).

Gottman approach has been amazing for us. Our problems were driven by underlying issues we were blind too. I was ready to divorce, had thought the whole thing was a huge mistake , and agreed to therapy only b/c I felt like I had to to make sure I didn't regret the divorce if I ended up not finding someone "better".

We went to this counselor - https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/name/Erin_Clarke_Bell_PhD_Alexandria_Virginia_275486

[Anonymous]

Please watch the drinking. I went from a glass of wine while making dinner to a bottle and a half every night because I was so miserable. It was tough but I stopped. I had a clearer mind to really think about what I needed and was able to make the necessary changes.

[Anonymous]

Stop boozing you idiot. Nobody likes a drunk.