Help me create dating rules for 16 yr old DD, please!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to create these "dating rules" based on what the rules/vales in your family are. Not what internet strangers tell you based on their family values.

Curfew for instance--what is her normal curfew when out w friends? Why would a "dating curfew" be different? Same with riding with friends, going out on school nights for non-school related activities, etc.

Well, that's the thing. We're not really "there" yet. She and her friends aren't really driving yet, they don't ask to go out on school nights, etc. This is the first time these things are coming up. My parents weren't good parents and even let our boyfriends sleep over. I don't really have a good role model for this. So any suggestions I can get are very much appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Dates during the week? With homework and sports who has the time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to create these "dating rules" based on what the rules/vales in your family are. Not what internet strangers tell you based on their family values.

Curfew for instance--what is her normal curfew when out w friends? Why would a "dating curfew" be different? Same with riding with friends, going out on school nights for non-school related activities, etc.

Well, that's the thing. We're not really "there" yet. She and her friends aren't really driving yet, they don't ask to go out on school nights, etc. This is the first time these things are coming up. My parents weren't good parents and even let our boyfriends sleep over. I don't really have a good role model for this. So any suggestions I can get are very much appreciated.

Then that is a good starting point. If she isn't going out with her friends on school nights, she shouldn't be going out with anyone on school nights. Same with driving.

Given her maturity level, what is your comfort level re curfew, etc.? What does she think is reasonable? Do you agree?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's always more empowering if your DD drives herself. She can say, "date over" and leave, at any time. Especially if (maybe in the future) they are going to go to a party. Teen girls should meet their date there. Teen girls typically are more cautious.

pp 22:14

You said it so much better than I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to create these "dating rules" based on what the rules/vales in your family are. Not what internet strangers tell you based on their family values.

Curfew for instance--what is her normal curfew when out w friends? Why would a "dating curfew" be different? Same with riding with friends, going out on school nights for non-school related activities, etc.

This is good advice. Also, I remember when I was 16 and starting to date, my parents were crazy strict about everything. Which just led me to rebel and right into the arms of the boy they disliked. I'd suggest open conversation instead of hard and fast rules. For example: if she doesn't have a curfew, ask where they are going, what they are doing and what time she expects to be home. She needs to call and check in if she'll be later than that (and provide where she is going). Something along those lines. But ultimately, you know her best and different kids need different rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to create these "dating rules" based on what the rules/vales in your family are. Not what internet strangers tell you based on their family values.

Curfew for instance--what is her normal curfew when out w friends? Why would a "dating curfew" be different? Same with riding with friends, going out on school nights for non-school related activities, etc.

This is good advice. Also, I remember when I was 16 and starting to date, my parents were crazy strict about everything. Which just led me to rebel and right into the arms of the boy they disliked. I'd suggest open conversation instead of hard and fast rules. For example: if she doesn't have a curfew, ask where they are going, what they are doing and what time she expects to be home. She needs to call and check in if she'll be later than that (and provide where she is going). Something along those lines. But ultimately, you know her best and different kids need different rules.

Do people typically let their teens be driven by other teens? Am I helicoptering if I'm not cool with that?

[Anonymous]

We haven't hit this stage yet but I worry already. Agree with pps. I would want my teen driving themselves and meeting at a location. At least I know my child can leave at any point and wouldn't drink and drive. I would also make it clear if she ever did need me to pick her up o would do say no questions asked. Also give her another adult she can count on outside of DH and I. Her godfather or Aunt. No weeknight dates and no weekends consumed by a boyfriend. I want to teach her the value of nurturing female friendships and platonic relationships with other boys. Also the importance of still having family time and balancing relationships. I'd want to meet him goes without saying. I think a 10pm curfew in highschool is fair. The exception being concerts or movie premieres discussed ahead of time.

[Anonymous]

I would say no one-on-one dates is bizarrely restrictive for a 16 year old so long as you don't have any reason not to trust her (or him) and they're in a public place.

I agree with no weekday dates unless it's a particularly special occasion (school dance, linked to a birthday, one time event, etc) and then make it clear that it's up to you depending on how things are going with school, managing responsibilities, etc. Weekends I would say 11 pm curfew or midnight pre-cleared with specifics (e.g., movie or concert where you know where/when it is); let her decide if the extra hour is worth telling you exactly what they're up to (it probably is -- which is a good thing without you seeming like you're keeping unreasonably close tabs). Always give her some cash/a credit card so she's never in an awkward situation; you can always work out specifics of how she'll pay you back later/if it happens.

[Anonymous]

Do people typically let their teens be driven by other teens? Am I helicoptering if I'm not cool with that?

Yes - I never thought twice about it. That doesn't mean that you're a helicopter. Maybe I'm just terrible if I think that a kid that I've met 20 times who seems perfectly nice and has had a driver's license for over a year is unlikely to either kill my daughter in a fiery crash or abscond with her.

[Anonymous]

First couple of dates he should come to the door to pick her up and expect to have to come inside to make small talk.

Make sure you know his first and last name. Don't laugh. Once my friend didn't come home on a Saturday night when she was out with her bf of 6 months or her mom called the police and they berated her for not even knowing the bf full name and honestly, they were right.

When he comes over your house, are they allowed to go up to her room or other private area of the house? be behind close doors together?

Reiterate your beliefs regarding sex - whether is it abstinence or waiting until a long term commitment, using proper birth control, whatever you already discussed with her.

If you are willing to help her get on birth control, then make an appointment and have her discuss her options with a medical professional. She does not need to make a choice at that appt. If you are not willing to assist her with birth control but you do know of any family medical history that could contradict her use of birth control, make sure that you tell her about it.

[Anonymous]

When I was a teenager most of the sexual activity I had with my GF were in the first floor den of her parents house. I would come over for dinner, we would all watch a movie or show after dinner and inevitably her parents would get tired and go upstairs.

Point being restricting where she can go with him and dictating doors being open or closed is not really going to change behavior in the grand scheme of things.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it is helicoptering to not let your teen be driven by other teens. Car accidents are the leading cause of death in this group. If you have a sense of how your kid drives and have provided a safe car, I'd always rather they drive than some kid I don't know. Nice kids can make really shitty choices. Really shitty choices!

[Anonymous]

I'd stalk the boy online. See what kinds of things he posts/likes on twitter and Facebook. See his circle of friends that he's pictured with on Facebook and instagram. You can get a good feel for his maturity and what sort of family he comes from.

[Anonymous]

Mine are not old enough for this yet but the rules MY mom set me at 13 were these

No dating anyone more than 2 years older
Get home by 11pm or call to say where and how you're getting home and when.
No BFs in the bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine are not old enough for this yet but the rules MY mom set me at 13 were these

No dating anyone more than 2 years older
Get home by 11pm or call to say where and how you're getting home and when.
No BFs in the bedroom.

I'm sorry -I mean when I was 16 not 13

doh