How did STBX take it when you introduced kids to new SO?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely not until the divorce is final. However, if the person is someone the kids already know and regularly encounter, like the parent of a friend, it may be more damaging to try and hide it.

How old are the kids? Is this an affair situation?

Kida are in elementary school. Not an affair. Divorces can take a looooong time to finalize. That's my thinking, that it would be worse to keep it hidden for a long time and then introduce them and they find out it's been going on for a while.

Also, to clarify, I was asking only about introducing them and maybe casually spending some time together occasionally, not about bringing the new SO into the home as a permanent fixture yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely not until the divorce is final. However, if the person is someone the kids already know and regularly encounter, like the parent of a friend, it may be more damaging to try and hide it.

How old are the kids? Is this an affair situation?

Kida are in elementary school. Not an affair. Divorces can take a looooong time to finalize. That's my thinking, that it would be worse to keep it hidden for a long time and then introduce them and they find out it's been going on for a while.

Also, to clarify, I was asking only about introducing them and maybe casually spending some time together occasionally, not about bringing the new SO into the home as a permanent fixture yet.

No. Still no.

[Anonymous]

Definitely not. Why do you want to do this?

[Anonymous]

At the very least, tell your kids about the new SO weeks before you do even a short introduction. That way they have time to process, express their feelings, and adjust if you press ahead despite any concerns they may have.

A man I know was adamant that his DDs get to know his new dating partner after only a couple weeks. He was warned by several divorced friends about the repercussions of coming in hot and chose to ignore them. His girls actually learned some troubling stuff about his girlfriend at the exact same time that he did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely not. Why do you want to do this?

Because the relationship started to get serious a couple of months ago, and they need to meet each other at some point. It feels weird to continue to keep it from the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely not. Why do you want to do this?

Because the relationship started to get serious a couple of months ago, and they need to meet each other at some point. It feels weird to continue to keep it from the kids.

If it's that serious, it can wait the what, three more months until the divorce is final.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely not. Why do you want to do this?

Because the relationship started to get serious a couple of months ago, and they need to meet each other at some point. It feels weird to continue to keep it from the kids.

If it's that serious, it can wait the what, three more months until the divorce is final.

+1. If it's true love, it will survive this looooong delay. The kids' feelings are more important than your feelings. You are already putting them through a divorce, isn't that enough already? Suck it up and put them first.

PS, you are still married until you are divorced. So think carefully about what you are teaching your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely not. Why do you want to do this?

Because the relationship started to get serious a couple of months ago, and they need to meet each other at some point. It feels weird to continue to keep it from the kids.

Or he could dump you in a few months and they never have to meet him.

[Anonymous]

Even if they stay together, after OP is a free man or woman, I can attest to the weirdness of meeting the woman my dad was sleeping with while still legally married to my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely not until the divorce is final. However, if the person is someone the kids already know and regularly encounter, like the parent of a friend, it may be more damaging to try and hide it.

How old are the kids? Is this an affair situation?

Kida are in elementary school. Not an affair. Divorces can take a looooong time to finalize. That's my thinking, that it would be worse to keep it hidden for a long time and then introduce them and they find out it's been going on for a while.

What? It's not like you're cheating on your children. You're dating. They don't need to know your adult business. I don't get that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely not. Why do you want to do this?

Because the relationship started to get serious a couple of months ago, and they need to meet each other at some point. It feels weird to continue to keep it from the kids.

It sounds like you're treating your kids like they're your friends instead of your kids.

[Anonymous]

You are being selfish.

You want the kids to just glide through your divorce with no feelings. You are only doing this for yourself. Kids DO NOT want to think about their mother dating anyone at all. And they certainly don't need to feel like they have to compete for your attention.

You need to ditch the dude and be Mom until they have recovered from the TRAUMA that you have inflicted on them. Own it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely not. Why do you want to do this?

Because the relationship started to get serious a couple of months ago, and they need to meet each other at some point. It feels weird to continue to keep it from the kids.

Feels weird to you. But it's not about you.

You prefer it feel weird to your kids?

You are selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are being selfish.

You want the kids to just glide through your divorce with no feelings. You are only doing this for yourself. Kids DO NOT want to think about their mother dating anyone at all. And they certainly don't need to feel like they have to compete for your attention.

You need to ditch the dude and be Mom until they have recovered from the TRAUMA that you have inflicted on them. Own it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely not until the divorce is final. However, if the person is someone the kids already know and regularly encounter, like the parent of a friend, it may be more damaging to try and hide it.

How old are the kids? Is this an affair situation?

Kida are in elementary school. Not an affair. Divorces can take a looooong time to finalize. That's my thinking, that it would be worse to keep it hidden for a long time and then introduce them and they find out it's been going on for a while.

Also, to clarify, I was asking only about introducing them and maybe casually spending some time together occasionally, not about bringing the new SO into the home as a permanent fixture yet.

This was so damaging for my kids. Ex introduced kids to his "friend." But, kids figured out quickly that this was not a "friend." So instead, the conclusion they drew was Dad was actually lying to them. Then once he hit the year mark, Dad immediately switched to "we are engaged." They got married 6 less than 6 months later. Kids never had a chance to develop any kind of authentic relationship with stepmom. By his actions, Ex made it clear to kids that he didn't care at all what they thought about the composition of their new family.

I don't think kids feelings or needs should be the sole dictator of what a parent does, but this kind of disingenuous description of a girlfriend coupled with the short timeline to marriage did a lot of damage.

IMO, the bottom line is that one shouldn't introduce kids to anyone one is dating until at least a year after divorce papers are signed. Kids have enough to get adjusted to with the divorce and new custody arrangement. Then you can introduce an SO, but plan on at least 2 years of increasing interactions between kids and SO before making any kind of marriage commitment or announcement.