Coming to terms with donor egg/adoption

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I think one thing to thing about with DE is what is different. My issue was AMA and egg quality, and boy is DE easier on that front. I know that we still face several hurdles, but since egg quality was the big one for us, I am amazed at how much easier this is. I know DE is not automatic, but I am finding the process somewhat empowering, as I no longer feel like everything is an uphill battle.

OP here. Can you share more about how you feel it's easier in terms of egg quality (which is also my issue as well as AMA). Do you mean you don't have to worry as much about PGD, miscarriage, etc. and can expect more embryos to transfer?

I'm the thought experiment PP but I can answer this. DE cycles (especially if you use frozen eggs) are so much easier than OE. Not as many visits (only 3, day 3, lining check and transfer). Very little drugs. So,so easy. I felt like I was cheating compared to an OE cycle.

[Anonymous]

22:55 here. Yep, what pp said, along with the fact that it's quicker to get eggs without chromosomal abnormalities. Rather than looking for a needle in a haystack to get o e good egg, there are good eggs pretty much in every batch.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP I am currently pregnant with a DE baby and I really have mixed emotions about it.
We had gotten pregnant with OE before and it was a totally different feeling. I am hoping that once our DE baby is born it will feel more natural and I feel connected. However if that doesn't happen, then I will go to therapy.
While I am happy that we are moving forward with our family, it is definitely NOT the same.

[Anonymous]

I have one child that is genetically DH and me and I cannot imagine that I would view a DE child any differently. I don't see myself or my husband in him honestly because he is uniquely himself. I don't think genes matter one bit. We are one and done because I can't handle the emotional and physical toll of any more infertility treatments but I would not have any issues with donor egg or sperm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have one child that is genetically DH and me and I cannot imagine that I would view a DE child any differently. I don't see myself or my husband in him honestly because he is uniquely himself. I don't think genes matter one bit. We are one and done because I can't handle the emotional and physical toll of any more infertility treatments but I would not have any issues with donor egg or sperm.

Most personality traits are highly heritable and so is intelligence. Of course this doesn't not guarantee anything and a child from older eggs/sperm is more likely to have disabilities even if parents are much smarter than donors. Still to say that genetics is irrelevant is to deny the last 50 years of science. For better or worse genetics is highly relevant and growing more relevant as we age.

[Anonymous]

I was going to come on here and tell you that once you have a kid, you'll realize that genetics doesn't matter. That holding a baby that you so desperately wanted makes all those fears go away. But you already have a kid and you still think genetics matter so please, OP, if you are struggling this much don't do it. it's clear that genetics matter to you and that you do not think of "family" as someone who is not genetically linked to you. Given that, if you go ahead with DE, you will be putting that innocent child (who never asked to be born) in a home where he or she will always sense that he/she is not actually part of your family. Even if you think you're treating the kids the same, there will be subconscious and subtle things that the DE child will pick up on.

I am feeling SO sad for the child of the pp who is already pregnant and can't come to terms with it.



BTW, I never did DE but after years of infertility adopted a beautiful, perfect child. Although she doesn't have my eyes or DH's nose, she is like a mini-me because she picked up on my mannerisms and little facial expressions. And she made our world complete. I then had a surprise pregnancy and love both my kids equally and realize my family is perfect the way it is. I couldn't imagine my life without either child.

That's how you need to feel before subjecting an innocent baby into this world. Seriously. I honestly am not trying to be mean, but if you're already going to therapy and you can't shake your need for a genetic connection, an anonymous board shouldn't be the place that convinces you to do this. Just accept that you have one kid and

[Anonymous]

sorry - hit enter too soon.

just accept that you have one kid and love and dote on her because she's so precious to you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I was going to come on here and tell you that once you have a kid, you'll realize that genetics doesn't matter. That holding a baby that you so desperately wanted makes all those fears go away. But you already have a kid and you still think genetics matter so please, OP, if you are struggling this much don't do it. it's clear that genetics matter to you and that you do not think of "family" as someone who is not genetically linked to you. Given that, if you go ahead with DE, you will be putting that innocent child (who never asked to be born) in a home where he or she will always sense that he/she is not actually part of your family. Even if you think you're treating the kids the same, there will be subconscious and subtle things that the DE child will pick up on.

I am feeling SO sad for the child of the pp who is already pregnant and can't come to terms with it.



BTW, I never did DE but after years of infertility adopted a beautiful, perfect child. Although she doesn't have my eyes or DH's nose, she is like a mini-me because she picked up on my mannerisms and little facial expressions. And she made our world complete. I then had a surprise pregnancy and love both my kids equally and realize my family is perfect the way it is. I couldn't imagine my life without either child.

That's how you need to feel before subjecting an innocent baby into this world. Seriously. I honestly am not trying to be mean, but if you're already going to therapy and you can't shake your need for a genetic connection, an anonymous board shouldn't be the place that convinces you to do this. Just accept that you have one kid and

this is so over the top. even if it is true that PPs would make a distinction between OE and DE children, that doesn't mean the child would not feel a part of the family. plenty of parents give preferential treatment to some of their bio children over others for whatever reason or no reason at all.

also - i would much much rather to have been born and not feel a part of family 100% of the day every day of the week than not being born at all. i am sure many people feel the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've already had a consultation with a donor egg clinic, and have looked at their donor database, and cannot imagine any of these women as the genetic mother of my child. It's really hard. Would appreciate your thoughts.

So, when I picked a donor I looked for which of the donors could be my daughter/child not for a "genetic mother" to my child. That said, it took me a few years to work through my feelings about a genetic connection - not just to me, but to my OE child and using an anonymous donor. Check out some of the blogs for donor egg/sperm children. The genetic connection is not just important to us, but to many children of donation, as well. Take your time with your decision. Despite what people told me over the years (you should be happy, you have a kid; why can't you be happy with what you have), secondary infertility is hard.

[Anonymous]

Hi again op. I am the poster who is in the midst of a DE cycle. I happened to get an email today from the egg bank, including the donors info, and realized that I am already thinking of our day 6 blast as our kid (although we don't know yet if it will stick). It is now a combo of the egg and my husband's genes, and I haven't thought about the donor for a while. Just thought that worth sharing.