Coming to terms with donor egg/adoption

[Anonymous]

We want a second child and it seems we're at the end of the road with my own eggs (AMA, decreased ovarian reserve, but under 40). We already have an own egg child (got pregnant naturally) with her, but cannot have a second it seems despite infertility treatments. How do you come to terms with donor egg or adoption/the idea of not having a child/anymore children with your own genetics? I'm having a really hard time with this. I want a second child very much but am not sure when/if I'm able to go down the donor egg/adoption path. I've already had a consultation with a donor egg clinic, and have looked at their donor database, and cannot imagine any of these women as the genetic mother of my child. It's really hard. Would appreciate your thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Hi op. I am similarly situated, and found it helpful to do a lot of research on de to help me learn more and let the concept sink in. Resolve has a good online support group for third party reproduction, and there are also websites that specialize in donor egg, etc. I too thought I would never take the de path, but after multiple iui's, 4 ivfs, and two years of trying for no 2, I decided that giving my daughter a sibling was more important than passing my genetics. We are currently in the middle of a cycle with frozen de. I am still working through some emotions, but in my hearsay am excited to hopefully soon be pregnant with a baby I know I will love as my child. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

DE Mom here

First look into epigenetics. You do have influence over how genes are expressed.

Second, allow yourself to grieve. It is sad that you'll never see your smile or eyes in your child. It is a loss. But is seeing those qualities and traits more important than having a child?

Third, do some thought experiments. Imagine your life without another child. Then imagine your life with a geneticly related child who looks and acts nothing like you. Then imagine your life with a DE child.

As someone who dealt with the grief of losing a genetic connection I can honestly say it has no bearing on my day to day life. I love DS with all my heart and soul. I'm so bonded to him and rarely think about genetics.

But it is a process to get to that point.

[Anonymous]

Typically before you are allowed to cycle using donor egg or sperm, the clinic will have you meet with a counselor who specializes in infertility to discuss these types of issues. Maybe you'd find it helpful to meet with such a counselor now?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm already meeting with a counselor to discuss this issue (have been for months), but it's not helping me come to terms with donor egg/adoption.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We have one fantastic child, and I am so grateful for her.

For a long time I was 100% sure we wanted a second. Then after almost 2 years of TTC, and multiple failed infertility treatments, I'm just tired. Struggling with infertility has taken so much time and energy that I don't have much left at this point. I don't know how much longer I want to struggle with infertility vs. moving on from infertility and just being happy with having an only child.

[Anonymous]

OP, just chiming in to say you're not alone. After a very long struggle to have our first, we are trying for #2. Went straight to IVF+PGD and the first cycle left us with no embryos to transfer. I thought I was ready to do this again, but I'm now realizing I'm still worn down from the struggles of having our first child. And I'm wondering whether I shouldn't just give myself the space to be happy with one wonderful child. I know there is so much to be grateful for, and that me before we had DC#1 would say to just let it be. But there is such fear of not fighting another round and regretting it later.

[Anonymous]

Op, I think one thing to thing about with DE is what is different. My issue was AMA and egg quality, and boy is DE easier on that front. I know that we still face several hurdles, but since egg quality was the big one for us, I am amazed at how much easier this is. I know DE is not automatic, but I am finding the process somewhat empowering, as I no longer feel like everything is an uphill battle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DE Mom here

First look into epigenetics. You do have influence over how genes are expressed.

Second, allow yourself to grieve. It is sad that you'll never see your smile or eyes in your child. It is a loss. But is seeing those qualities and traits more important than having a child?

Third, do some thought experiments. Imagine your life without another child. Then imagine your life with a geneticly related child who looks and acts nothing like you. Then imagine your life with a DE child.

As someone who dealt with the grief of losing a genetic connection I can honestly say it has no bearing on my day to day life. I love DS with all my heart and soul. I'm so bonded to him and rarely think about genetics.

But it is a process to get to that point.

please don't put too much into this; it's been great over-hyped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I think one thing to thing about with DE is what is different. My issue was AMA and egg quality, and boy is DE easier on that front. I know that we still face several hurdles, but since egg quality was the big one for us, I am amazed at how much easier this is. I know DE is not automatic, but I am finding the process somewhat empowering, as I no longer feel like everything is an uphill battle.

OP here. Can you share more about how you feel it's easier in terms of egg quality (which is also my issue as well as AMA). Do you mean you don't have to worry as much about PGD, miscarriage, etc. and can expect more embryos to transfer?

[Anonymous]

It might help to think about why you are so fixated on genetic similarity. (I get it, but i's just that you need to look at it to get past it). The thing is, wanting a piece of YOU in your child really comes down to ego at the heart of it, a desire to see yourself replicated and somehow made immortal. Maybe if you look long and hard at it you'll see that all that is really empty and meaningless in the end. You can't live forever, and your child is not you. It all gets a bit existential, really.

[Anonymous]

OP, I like the PP who gave the advice including the thought experiment. You just need to think through what is really important for you.

I have one child that I both carried and that has my and my husband's genetics (a son), and one DE baby with my husband's genetics (a daughter). It wasn't easy getting her. We almost gave up. DE is often discussed as the cure-all, but it took 4 DE PGS tries to get her.

She is just a delight. She really is such a wonderful joyous baby. Frankly, she is probably better off without my genetics. I tend to be a worrier, and so does my husband, and my son is too - and he was a wonderful, but not an easy, baby. I don't know how much of that was nurture (nervous first time mom) vs. nature, but he is. Plus I have some health issues that may be genetic.

She on the other hand is the easiest baby. It's true, she really doesn't look a thing like me. She looks more like my husband, but she definitely looks somewhat like the donor. Sometimes I think it would be nice if she looked a little like me. But it is 100,000,000 times better to have her (even if she doesn't look like me) than to not have her. And, anyway, how she looks is so darn cute! Different from me, but just adorable. So maybe she will be even more free of the expectations that we may have that our children should be little mini-me's and make the choices we made.

I love this little bundle so very much. And I can't wait to see the person she grows to become.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am a bit focused on a genetic link, yes. But in part that is because I'm an only child with my parents as my only family, who live very far away and we hardly see them. I do have an issue of feeling like I hardly have any extended family myself, and I feel extistentially alone in the world due to my tiny family. I feel sad for myself that I have such a tiny family, and I feel sad for my child, who has no cousins/aunts/uncles. My husband also has a small family, and they are very dysfunctional.

[Anonymous]

Well, OP, you don't have to have another one. If you try for a DE or other baby, then you have to feel like you will love the baby no matter what. You could always invest in close friendships as substitutes for blood relatives. A lot of blood relatives aren't exactly picnics to be around.

Or, if you feel you can love another child no matter its genetics, then expand your family -- but I don't think it will get rid of all of your aloneness feeling, thought might help. May I gently suggest that it might be a good idea to work on that before you try to cure it with a child?

[Anonymous]

13:37 here. Just to explain further, we struggled through 4 ivf cycles *ments* and 2 miscarriages with OE. This time we chose to do DE, and donor is in her 20s. After my losses, tests showed chromosomal abnormalities in the egg was responsible for the loss with OE. We are now doing pgs testing with DE, and will only transfer normals. Not fool proof, but our odds are a whole lot better than rolling the dice every time with OE.

As far as genetics, just want to say that I think it's completely normal to want the genetic connection, so don't be too hard on yourself as you work through these feelings.