How to soften my delivery?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask more questions. Instead of

"You need to do XYZ,"

ask

"Have you tried doing XYZ? Do you think that might solve the issue with ABC?"

There are very limited situations in which this is good advice -- basically, when the answer seems so obvious that there's a chance your report thought of it and rejected it for some reason. "Have you already tried rebooting your machine? Any reason why not? Ok, try that and then come back if it doesn't work."

However, if XYZ is an actual direction -- "You need to call the client" -- then the manager gets to to just say that. It's common, but still completely unacceptable, to expect women to frame it as, "Have you considered calling the client to resolve this?"

I agree with PPs about listening. OP, listening is really hard. You're busy and, honestly, the thing that's important to the other person is probably not that important to you, or not a good idea for reasons they don't know about, or whatever. The point is not to act on their ideas, though, the point is to make them feel heard. I'm a female manager and I actually schedule time in my calendar to go walk around the office and chat with people. It can feel like wasting time because there is so much "work" to do, but it is a really important part of a manager's job and cannot be neglected in favor of deliverables.

Thanks for the thoughtful feedback. I've been tongue and cheek about this self-evaluation with my team today and am really going to try to improve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask more questions. Instead of

"You need to do XYZ,"

ask

"Have you tried doing XYZ? Do you think that might solve the issue with ABC?"

There are very limited situations in which this is good advice -- basically, when the answer seems so obvious that there's a chance your report thought of it and rejected it for some reason. "Have you already tried rebooting your machine? Any reason why not? Ok, try that and then come back if it doesn't work."

However, if XYZ is an actual direction -- "You need to call the client" -- then the manager gets to to just say that. It's common, but still completely unacceptable, to expect women to frame it as, "Have you considered calling the client to resolve this?"

I agree with PPs about listening. OP, listening is really hard. You're busy and, honestly, the thing that's important to the other person is probably not that important to you, or not a good idea for reasons they don't know about, or whatever. The point is not to act on their ideas, though, the point is to make them feel heard. I'm a female manager and I actually schedule time in my calendar to go walk around the office and chat with people. It can feel like wasting time because there is so much "work" to do, but it is a really important part of a manager's job and cannot be neglected in favor of deliverables.

Thanks for the thoughtful feedback. I've been tongue and cheek about this self-evaluation with my team today and am really going to try to improve.

It's "tongue in cheek". Not trying to be snarky, just telling you in case you case about those things.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I disagree with PPs.

I do believe this is a sexism issue. Men don't frame things as questions if they are making actual statements. It's ridiculous that women are expected to play these games.

If you are a manager, yes, it's important to seek input. But you can be direct *and* be inclusive and seek input. In fact, I prefer managers that do that over managers who play the passive-aggressive question thing that leaves me wondering, um, so are they really asking me (as in I have a choice or a say) or are they subtly telling me to do X,Y,Z? That management style is confusing.

Unless you are genuinely asking a question, don't frame it as a question.

But do seek input. Ask people what their thoughts are or if they have any ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:However, if XYZ is an actual direction -- "You need to call the client" -- then the manager gets to to just say that. It's common, but still completely unacceptable, to expect women to frame it as, "Have you considered calling the client to resolve this?"

"Would you please call the client today regarding the Widget Convention."

Direct but still has a little grease to the wheel.

And while I do believe that it's very likely OP is getting pushback because she's a woman, I want to also say that it's OKAY for women to use feminine professional styles if those are effective. (And perfectly okay not to, also.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:However, if XYZ is an actual direction -- "You need to call the client" -- then the manager gets to to just say that. It's common, but still completely unacceptable, to expect women to frame it as, "Have you considered calling the client to resolve this?"

"Would you please call the client today regarding the Widget Convention."

Direct but still has a little grease to the wheel.

And while I do believe that it's very likely OP is getting pushback because she's a woman, I want to also say that it's OKAY for women to use feminine professional styles if those are effective. (And perfectly okay not to, also.)

But it's not okay for male supervisors to expect one standard of women and another of men?

I mean, I'm assuming OP's boss didn't "soften" his delivery to her about her no frills, direct approach. Did he "frame it as a question"? Did he say, "Larla, have you tried a softer tone?"

I'm guessing not. I'm guessing he told her that tone was direct and no frills and that he failed to notice the hypocrisy.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, there are situations where I think it would behoove men to hedge, ask questions, be less direct. I think those speech styles are effective in many cases. And completely agree that there's a HUGE double standard.

I sometimes see articles or advice to women that they should NOT use speech styles that are judged as "feminine" -- they should rather be direct, blunt, etc. And there's a trope that if women do NOT speak directly and bluntly, they won't get promotions or pay raises (iow, a narrative that moves the blame from systematic sexism and suggests that if individual women would just act like men, they would not experience that kind of discrimination or double standard).

So damned if you do, damned if you don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the dragon slayer poster from a few weeks ago. I'm doing well at work and don't have any real concerns about my career. In a side conversation with my boss yesterday, he told me that my delivery is very direct and no frills. I got the impression that he feels I should soften my delivery. I'm friendly and nice and avoid drama...direct and no frills is just who I am. How do I soften my delivery?

So he actually didn't tell you that you needed to soften your tone?
Perhaps you should talk to him again and ask him if you your delivery style is fine.

From this post and the previous thread you started I get the impression that you over-think things and often dissect what your boss says to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I disagree with PPs.

I do believe this is a sexism issue. Men don't frame things as questions if they are making actual statements. It's ridiculous that women are expected to play these games.

If you are a manager, yes, it's important to seek input. But you can be direct *and* be inclusive and seek input. In fact, I prefer managers that do that over managers who play the passive-aggressive question thing that leaves me wondering, um, so are they really asking me (as in I have a choice or a say) or are they subtly telling me to do X,Y,Z? That management style is confusing.

Unless you are genuinely asking a question, don't frame it as a question.

But do seek input. Ask people what their thoughts are or if they have any ideas.

This. You shouldn't have to play word games to protect the fragile egos of your subordinates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask more questions. Instead of

"You need to do XYZ,"

ask

"Have you tried doing XYZ? Do you think that might solve the issue with ABC?"

no

Turning necessary commands into questions is what women do. Men don't.

Men can fuck themselves if they're intimidated by direct communication.

https://hbr.org/2014/06/women-find-your-voice
Women, Find Your Voice

When the conversation advances rapidly, holding the floor requires the use of “muscular words,” as one male executive put it—active, authoritative, precise language that shows you’re taking ownership of your opinions (see the sidebar “Make Your Language More Muscular”).

[Anonymous]

The only time you should reframe anything in the form of a question is during a coaching session with a subordinate. The reframing allows the employee to reflect on his/her actions and throws the onus on him/her.

[Anonymous]

Do you just give orders or do you explain them when practical?

Our boss unexpectedly got called into a meeting with his boss and we need to get him this month's numbers in the next five minutes. vs. Get me this month's numbers in the next five minutes.

Also do you use please when appropriate?

Please correct the faulty data on column C of this spreadsheet. vs. The data in column C on this spreadsheet is screwed up. Fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the dragon slayer poster from a few weeks ago. I'm doing well at work and don't have any real concerns about my career. In a side conversation with my boss yesterday, he told me that my delivery is very direct and no frills. I got the impression that he feels I should soften my delivery. I'm friendly and nice and avoid drama...direct and no frills is just who I am. How do I soften my delivery?

Can I just say that as a woman I think you are awesome? You are a dragon slayer (I really think your boss is Coach, from Survivor), who is able to express yourself in a drama free direct way.

I have no real advice, except maybe it's in the tone of your delivery?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I disagree with PPs.

I do believe this is a sexism issue. Men don't frame things as questions if they are making actual statements. It's ridiculous that women are expected to play these games.

If you are a manager, yes, it's important to seek input. But you can be direct *and* be inclusive and seek input. In fact, I prefer managers that do that over managers who play the passive-aggressive question thing that leaves me wondering, um, so are they really asking me (as in I have a choice or a say) or are they subtly telling me to do X,Y,Z? That management style is confusing.

Unless you are genuinely asking a question, don't frame it as a question.

But do seek input. Ask people what their thoughts are or if they have any ideas.

This. You shouldn't have to play word games to protect the fragile egos of your subordinates.

Agreed. In fact, I think this thread is pretty dejecting. After all, so much of the advice here is to "soften delivery" by indirect communication. This is the very type of communication that study after study shows undermines women's authority and power in the workplace. Here's an idea: let's try to advise all these (presumably) guys that are so uncomfortable with s direct woman in the workplace. Improving their ability to hear and act on direct communication from s woman is the real resolution here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask more questions. Instead of

"You need to do XYZ,"

ask

"Have you tried doing XYZ? Do you think that might solve the issue with ABC?"

no

Turning necessary commands into questions is what women do. Men don't.

Men can fuck themselves if they're intimidated by direct communication.

https://hbr.org/2014/06/women-find-your-voice
Women, Find Your Voice

When the conversation advances rapidly, holding the floor requires the use of “muscular words,” as one male executive put it—active, authoritative, precise language that shows you’re taking ownership of your opinions (see the sidebar “Make Your Language More Muscular”).

I hate the uptick at the end of delivery of sentences. Like it's a question. OR Giggling. I have a colleague that's a year or two older than me and she sounds like a teenager on calls where she's supposed to be a subject matter expert. But when she talks to me one on one, it doesn't happen. It's infuriating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would advise listening more. Don't change your delivery: smiling more and talking softly will appear cloying and insincere. Just take the time to listen and make people feel that their opinions mean something to you. People will really respect you for that and learn to appreciate your directness.

I agree. Be inclusive. Listen and solicit input genuinely. Don't just bark orders.

Hi, thanks for the feedback. I don't bark orders. In fact I stay away from telling people what to do altogether. However, I don't mind sharing an opinion or feedback if asked.

That's from your perspective. As you boss already indicated, from listeners' perspective, that's not how it's received.

I don't understand how giving an opinion about something is wrong if I'm asked for my opinion.

Op, it's not what you say, it's how you say it. Most guys don't like "in your face" response (particularly from a woman) because it's uncomfortable to deal with.

OP here. I agree with this. I guess I just need to work on how I say things...when they just flow from my head out of my mouth, they're direct and not sugar coated. I think it's a response to being really turned off by professionals who beat around the bush and just don't deliver the message they are trying to convey. I'm really going to try to pause and think about how to phrase something before it comes out of my mouth.

Good leaders are deliberate in their speech and don't just spout off at the hip. I'm thinking you lack diplomacy and are abrasive.

I say this as a female COO of my company. Flowing from head to mouth without a filter is not a good leadership quality. Are you young?