How to soften my delivery?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:However, if XYZ is an actual direction -- "You need to call the client" -- then the manager gets to to just say that. It's common, but still completely unacceptable, to expect women to frame it as, "Have you considered calling the client to resolve this?"

"Would you please call the client today regarding the Widget Convention."

Direct but still has a little grease to the wheel.

And while I do believe that it's very likely OP is getting pushback because she's a woman, I want to also say that it's OKAY for women to use feminine professional styles if those are effective. (And perfectly okay not to, also.)

But it's not okay for male supervisors to expect one standard of women and another of men?

I mean, I'm assuming OP's boss didn't "soften" his delivery to her about her no frills, direct approach. Did he "frame it as a question"? Did he say, "Larla, have you tried a softer tone?"

I'm guessing not. I'm guessing he told her that tone was direct and no frills and that he failed to notice the hypocrisy.

Her manager is sugar coating his criticism of her. I'm sure the real perception of her skills would be quite hurtful of delivered directly.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I would advise listening more. Don't change your delivery: smiling more and talking softly will appear cloying and insincere. Just take the time to listen and make people feel that their opinions mean something to you. People will really respect you for that and learn to appreciate your directness.

I agree. Be inclusive. Listen and solicit input genuinely. Don't just bark orders.

Hi, thanks for the feedback. I don't bark orders. In fact I stay away from telling people what to do altogether. However, I don't mind sharing an opinion or feedback if asked.

That's from your perspective. As you boss already indicated, from listeners' perspective, that's not how it's received.

I don't understand how giving an opinion about something is wrong if I'm asked for my opinion.

Op, it's not what you say, it's how you say it. Most guys don't like "in your face" response (particularly from a woman) because it's uncomfortable to deal with.

OP here. I agree with this. I guess I just need to work on how I say things...when they just flow from my head out of my mouth, they're direct and not sugar coated. I think it's a response to being really turned off by professionals who beat around the bush and just don't deliver the message they are trying to convey. I'm really going to try to pause and think about how to phrase something before it comes out of my mouth.

Good leaders are deliberate in their speech and don't just spout off at the hip. I'm thinking you lack diplomacy and are abrasive.

I say this as a female COO of my company. Flowing from head to mouth without a filter is not a good leadership quality. Are you young?

I am late 30s.