How to get a child to stick to a sport

[Anonymous]

What's your goal?

There are a million reasons we encourage our kids to play sports, but "winning" is not one of them.

Here's what we like about sports:

- keeps the kids active in a fun way;
- way to meet and see some different kids than those they usually spend time with at school;
- challenge (learn new skills or hone existing ones)
- good experience managing disappointment (not always the best player, sometimes make mistakes or screw up etc.);
- persistence (see improvement if they practice, practice, practice rather than give up)
- foundation for life-long love of being physically active (whatever they choose to do as adults -- run, swim, tennis, or rec leagues for various sports etc.)

Competing to WIN is not our priority with sports. I don't think either of our kids have that killer instinct that way. But they're both VERY driven and motivated. Eager to learn new things, push themselves, and play well. It's still all fun for them. DH and I are similar. We were both excellent high school athletes, but didn't continue on teams in college. But sports were still a terrific part of our childhood, and now our adult lives and our family life.

No reason to force them to stick with any particular sport as long as they're consistently active, engaged and having fun!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is winning so important? It must be awful realizing that your parents are constantly disappointed in your performance when you're just out there trying to have a good time.

+1

Is she having fun? Is she a good team player? Is she a good sport? Is she getting exercise? So who cares if she wins?

[Anonymous]

This is a humble brag of the worst sort.

My child is too good at sports, but she isn't willing to decimate the competition! How can I make her obnoxious about it like me?

[Anonymous]

OP, are you able to back off and be objective about this long enough to think about your own upbringing? Were you a sports kid, one who was all about winning? Did you have parents, coaches or other adults who pushed you to win? Were you given the message (even implicitly) as a kid or teen that when it comes to a sport, winning is the point, not playing for fun or for exercise?

Every parent I know with the "you need to find a sport and stick with it and try for travel teams and want to win" perspective, and I know quite a few, is a parent who was an athlete as a kid or teen or in college. Or they're married to someone who was, and who puts a high value on a kid wanting to be competitive.

If you feel you and/or your significant other are competitive personalities yourself, maybe it's hard for you then to understand if a kid simply is not a competitive person. Competitive people find competition motivating and exciting; non-competitive people don't, and pressing a kid to want to win if that desire is not there will probably backfire, ending up with resentment.

Please be sure you're not sending your child the unintended message -- even if you never say the words themselves -- that you would value her more or like her better or spend more time with her if she only were sporty enough. I'm sure you don't mean to do it, but it's possible she's getting that message just from the emphasis on how she really needs to be doing a sport and how she should want to win at it.

[Anonymous]

Let me approach this from the perspective of someone who has an uber-competitive kid. My DD is around the same age, it sounds like, and has a similar aptitude for athletics (which she most definitely did not get from me!!!). However, she is so focused on winning and being the best that we are constantly having to talk to her about toning it down. For example, she won't pass to certain girls on her own team because they're not strong players and aren't as likely to score. I really admire DD's drive and passion for sports but I really wish she would focus more on being part of a team and winning collaboratively.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me approach this from the perspective of someone who has an uber-competitive kid. My DD is around the same age, it sounds like, and has a similar aptitude for athletics (which she most definitely did not get from me!!!). However, she is so focused on winning and being the best that we are constantly having to talk to her about toning it down. For example, she won't pass to certain girls on her own team because they're not strong players and aren't as likely to score. I really admire DD's drive and passion for sports but I really wish she would focus more on being part of a team and winning collaboratively.

Your kid is not just good in isolation, but is also SMART. She understands that passing to certain girls is a waste of time, and she's not going to punish the rest of the team for their failures.

That's a good thing, PP. When I coached 8-year-old basketball this year, I ran a iso-heavy offense. I took the two worst kids and had them line up at midcourt on opposite sides of the court. I took the two mediocre kids and had them split into each corner. They were to run in from the corner to rebound when the shot went up, or to the elbow as a safety valve (see below).

As you have to play man-to-man with no double-teaming, that left my son one on one at midcourt. He could juke left and right, without worrying about anyone getting in his way. He'd make about 50% of his shots, using his safety valve at the elbow to reset and try again if things didn't work well the first time (kids are human, after all). If he missed, we'd sometimes get a rebound amongst one of the three. If the other team got it, our two worst kids were suppose to retreat to the basket and pick up the ballhandler and the second kid. Worst-come-to-worst, they're told to foul as I don't care if the bad kids get into foul trouble.

It took me 42 years to learn how to coach. Your daughter's figured things out at, what, 8 or 9 years old? And you want to get into her way so that everyone can get a participation pass (that they inevitably fumble)?

Get over your liberal guilt, and let your daughter play the right way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me approach this from the perspective of someone who has an uber-competitive kid. My DD is around the same age, it sounds like, and has a similar aptitude for athletics (which she most definitely did not get from me!!!). However, she is so focused on winning and being the best that we are constantly having to talk to her about toning it down. For example, she won't pass to certain girls on her own team because they're not strong players and aren't as likely to score. I really admire DD's drive and passion for sports but I really wish she would focus more on being part of a team and winning collaboratively.

Your kid is not just good in isolation, but is also SMART. She understands that passing to certain girls is a waste of time, and she's not going to punish the rest of the team for their failures.

That's a good thing, PP. When I coached 8-year-old basketball this year, I ran a iso-heavy offense. I took the two worst kids and had them line up at midcourt on opposite sides of the court. I took the two mediocre kids and had them split into each corner. They were to run in from the corner to rebound when the shot went up, or to the elbow as a safety valve (see below).

As you have to play man-to-man with no double-teaming, that left my son one on one at midcourt. He could juke left and right, without worrying about anyone getting in his way. He'd make about 50% of his shots, using his safety valve at the elbow to reset and try again if things didn't work well the first time (kids are human, after all). If he missed, we'd sometimes get a rebound amongst one of the three. If the other team got it, our two worst kids were suppose to retreat to the basket and pick up the ballhandler and the second kid. Worst-come-to-worst, they're told to foul as I don't care if the bad kids get into foul trouble.

It took me 42 years to learn how to coach. Your daughter's figured things out at, what, 8 or 9 years old? And you want to get into her way so that everyone can get a participation pass (that they inevitably fumble)?

Get over your liberal guilt, and let your daughter play the right way.

Well, I bet you were born an asshole, so there's that. Jesus, no one should care that much whether a team of 8-year-old kids wins or loses a game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me approach this from the perspective of someone who has an uber-competitive kid. My DD is around the same age, it sounds like, and has a similar aptitude for athletics (which she most definitely did not get from me!!!). However, she is so focused on winning and being the best that we are constantly having to talk to her about toning it down. For example, she won't pass to certain girls on her own team because they're not strong players and aren't as likely to score. I really admire DD's drive and passion for sports but I really wish she would focus more on being part of a team and winning collaboratively.

Your kid is not just good in isolation, but is also SMART. She understands that passing to certain girls is a waste of time, and she's not going to punish the rest of the team for their failures.

That's a good thing, PP. When I coached 8-year-old basketball this year, I ran a iso-heavy offense. I took the two worst kids and had them line up at midcourt on opposite sides of the court. I took the two mediocre kids and had them split into each corner. They were to run in from the corner to rebound when the shot went up, or to the elbow as a safety valve (see below).

As you have to play man-to-man with no double-teaming, that left my son one on one at midcourt. He could juke left and right, without worrying about anyone getting in his way. He'd make about 50% of his shots, using his safety valve at the elbow to reset and try again if things didn't work well the first time (kids are human, after all). If he missed, we'd sometimes get a rebound amongst one of the three. If the other team got it, our two worst kids were suppose to retreat to the basket and pick up the ballhandler and the second kid. Worst-come-to-worst, they're told to foul as I don't care if the bad kids get into foul trouble.

It took me 42 years to learn how to coach. Your daughter's figured things out at, what, 8 or 9 years old? And you want to get into her way so that everyone can get a participation pass (that they inevitably fumble)?

Get over your liberal guilt, and let your daughter play the right way.

Well, I bet you were born an asshole, so there's that. Jesus, no one should care that much whether a team of 8-year-old kids wins or loses a game.

Totally agree! How about passing to the other kids so they have a chance to develop the skills they need? This is why they don't keep score in some kids rec leagues--to minimize behavior like this! Glad you weren't our coach!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me approach this from the perspective of someone who has an uber-competitive kid. My DD is around the same age, it sounds like, and has a similar aptitude for athletics (which she most definitely did not get from me!!!). However, she is so focused on winning and being the best that we are constantly having to talk to her about toning it down. For example, she won't pass to certain girls on her own team because they're not strong players and aren't as likely to score. I really admire DD's drive and passion for sports but I really wish she would focus more on being part of a team and winning collaboratively.

Your kid is not just good in isolation, but is also SMART. She understands that passing to certain girls is a waste of time, and she's not going to punish the rest of the team for their failures.

That's a good thing, PP. When I coached 8-year-old basketball this year, I ran a iso-heavy offense. I took the two worst kids and had them line up at midcourt on opposite sides of the court. I took the two mediocre kids and had them split into each corner. They were to run in from the corner to rebound when the shot went up, or to the elbow as a safety valve (see below).

As you have to play man-to-man with no double-teaming, that left my son one on one at midcourt. He could juke left and right, without worrying about anyone getting in his way. He'd make about 50% of his shots, using his safety valve at the elbow to reset and try again if things didn't work well the first time (kids are human, after all). If he missed, we'd sometimes get a rebound amongst one of the three. If the other team got it, our two worst kids were suppose to retreat to the basket and pick up the ballhandler and the second kid. Worst-come-to-worst, they're told to foul as I don't care if the bad kids get into foul trouble.

It took me 42 years to learn how to coach. Your daughter's figured things out at, what, 8 or 9 years old? And you want to get into her way so that everyone can get a participation pass (that they inevitably fumble)?

Get over your liberal guilt, and let your daughter play the right way.

Well, I bet you were born an asshole, so there's that. Jesus, no one should care that much whether a team of 8-year-old kids wins or loses a game.

It's because of coaches like the one above that most girls end up quitting sports in their teen years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our DD was in soccer since preK to 2nd grade (and would have made travel soccer but she was close to concussions two times the last season so it was hard to get her to go even to house). She tried lacrosse- again, very good- excellent eye hand coordination- though contact sports didn't seem to be her thing. Our kids do swimming but we mostly want safety while swimming- though she did make the swim team and was invited for an A meet. She loved the team, was competitive at some "games" they played and did quite well- but she wasn't into it. She and her siblings are very athletic and active- roller bladding, biking, volleyball, basketball- anything she dives in as much as she can- so she is not a couch potato and will take electronics only if her siblings did too which was rare. Anyway, she has been in a tennis program after dropping soccer - she is really good! BUT- she has not been taught how to WIN, versus just play. She is so far at the top tier of playing at our swim club but the beginning threw her off so now she is intimidated. How can I get her back on? She can rally and play amazingly well but it just hasn't been competitive to this point.

1. How do you know she definitely would have made travel soccer?

2. How could she be "very good" at lacrosse if it didn't seem like it was her thing?

3. Making. Summer swim team and going to a single A meet is not a big deal or indicative of her being a good swimmer. Top tier of your swim club? Hmmm...

4. How can someone be really good but is just playing, not playing to win?

Sounds like you are reading it into her abilities to find something that isn't there...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our DD was in soccer since preK to 2nd grade (and would have made travel soccer but she was close to concussions two times the last season so it was hard to get her to go even to house). She tried lacrosse- again, very good- excellent eye hand coordination- though contact sports didn't seem to be her thing. Our kids do swimming but we mostly want safety while swimming- though she did make the swim team and was invited for an A meet. She loved the team, was competitive at some "games" they played and did quite well- but she wasn't into it. She and her siblings are very athletic and active- roller bladding, biking, volleyball, basketball- anything she dives in as much as she can- so she is not a couch potato and will take electronics only if her siblings did too which was rare. Anyway, she has been in a tennis program after dropping soccer - she is really good! BUT- she has not been taught how to WIN, versus just play. She is so far at the top tier of playing at our swim club but the beginning threw her off so now she is intimidated. How can I get her back on? She can rally and play amazingly well but it just hasn't been competitive to this point.

1. How do you know she definitely would have made travel soccer?

2. How could she be "very good" at lacrosse if it didn't seem like it was her thing?

3. Making. Summer swim team and going to a single A meet is not a big deal or indicative of her being a good swimmer. Top tier of your swim club? Hmmm...

4. How can someone be really good but is just playing, not playing to win?

Sounds like you are reading it into her abilities to find something that isn't there...

OP here- ok- I was going to let the thread die down but alas, this poster got me back. I am basing all of this on the coaches- not me. I am athletic and pick up things easily- DH is very good at many sports (not like football, basketball, baseball). We have had coaches or instructors approach us about her abilities.

Thank you to all the replies- most where very helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me approach this from the perspective of someone who has an uber-competitive kid. My DD is around the same age, it sounds like, and has a similar aptitude for athletics (which she most definitely did not get from me!!!). However, she is so focused on winning and being the best that we are constantly having to talk to her about toning it down. For example, she won't pass to certain girls on her own team because they're not strong players and aren't as likely to score. I really admire DD's drive and passion for sports but I really wish she would focus more on being part of a team and winning collaboratively.

Your kid is not just good in isolation, but is also SMART. She understands that passing to certain girls is a waste of time, and she's not going to punish the rest of the team for their failures.

That's a good thing, PP. When I coached 8-year-old basketball this year, I ran a iso-heavy offense. I took the two worst kids and had them line up at midcourt on opposite sides of the court. I took the two mediocre kids and had them split into each corner. They were to run in from the corner to rebound when the shot went up, or to the elbow as a safety valve (see below).

As you have to play man-to-man with no double-teaming, that left my son one on one at midcourt. He could juke left and right, without worrying about anyone getting in his way. He'd make about 50% of his shots, using his safety valve at the elbow to reset and try again if things didn't work well the first time (kids are human, after all). If he missed, we'd sometimes get a rebound amongst one of the three. If the other team got it, our two worst kids were suppose to retreat to the basket and pick up the ballhandler and the second kid. Worst-come-to-worst, they're told to foul as I don't care if the bad kids get into foul trouble.

It took me 42 years to learn how to coach. Your daughter's figured things out at, what, 8 or 9 years old? And you want to get into her way so that everyone can get a participation pass (that they inevitably fumble)?

Get over your liberal guilt, and let your daughter play the right way.

Are you the same joker who wrote the sarcastic, over the top parody a few weeks back about 8 and under soccer in Northern Virginia?

[Anonymous]

Oh, please don't force her to do something she doesn't enjoy. There's no point, except to make her miserable. Let her have fun learning the basics of the sports she wants to play, and don't push her. It is okay to play a sport just for fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our DD was in soccer since preK to 2nd grade (and would have made travel soccer but she was close to concussions two times the last season so it was hard to get her to go even to house). She tried lacrosse- again, very good- excellent eye hand coordination- though contact sports didn't seem to be her thing. Our kids do swimming but we mostly want safety while swimming- though she did make the swim team and was invited for an A meet. She loved the team, was competitive at some "games" they played and did quite well- but she wasn't into it. She and her siblings are very athletic and active- roller bladding, biking, volleyball, basketball- anything she dives in as much as she can- so she is not a couch potato and will take electronics only if her siblings did too which was rare. Anyway, she has been in a tennis program after dropping soccer - she is really good! BUT- she has not been taught how to WIN, versus just play. She is so far at the top tier of playing at our swim club but the beginning threw her off so now she is intimidated. How can I get her back on? She can rally and play amazingly well but it just hasn't been competitive to this point.

1. How do you know she definitely would have made travel soccer?

2. How could she be "very good" at lacrosse if it didn't seem like it was her thing?

3. Making. Summer swim team and going to a single A meet is not a big deal or indicative of her being a good swimmer. Top tier of your swim club? Hmmm...

4. How can someone be really good but is just playing, not playing to win?

Sounds like you are reading it into her abilities to find something that isn't there...

Easily. They can be good because they are naturally athletic, and enjoy playing with their friends, but not care much about winning. You can do your best and not worry about the score. You can play well but not aggressively.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate to break it to you, but wanting to win comes from within. I drove my dad bananas - he would fuss at me and tell me I was just partcipating and not competing. I sure was. I have never cared what other people are doing, and Sports was no exception. That isn't something you can teach, sorry.

+1. I played on a varsity sport in high school and never really cared if we won. I loved practicing and the activity. I'm not a competitive adult.

My son sounds like your daughter. I think it's great that he's tried a bunch of things. DH is super annoyed that he doesn't put forth 100% effort on the fields like he does when he's running with friends for fun. It's really about he doesn't care about the competition and winning. This has actually caused arguments between us about the line between encouraging and pushing too hard.

+100

I come from a long line of super-competitive people. My brother, sister and I competed at EVERYTHING! Board games, sports, etc. but we found it fun.

My older son (now 10) cannot stand to lose. He gives 120% in a game and it comes out in anger and/or tears if he loses. I marvel at teammates that are smiling and laughing post-tournament finals while my kid throws his 2nd place medal in the trash. Younger son is a bit better about leaving it on the field.

Many coaches have told me passion like my firstborn's cannot be taught. He's the same way with grades. I work with him to find ways to channel the intensity.

People would never know by looking at him--sweet, easy-going kid with lots of friends that will totally console a teammate after a missed shot, etc., but doesn't afford himself the same sympathies.

I do think it's innate.