Sister has asked me to be a surrogate for her

[Anonymous]

What if you offer to donate your eggs to her? You wouldn't be able to be a surrogate at most clinics because I doubt you'd pass their screening due to your fears.

[Anonymous]

Would she expect you to use your own eggs? I have a friend who has been a surrogate multiple times. She has a special bond with each of those babies, during pregnancy and beyond. But she always knows the baby isn't hers. The only time she used her own eggs was for her sister.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps you could help her research surrogate options.

[Anonymous]

For so many reasons you need to say no. As her surrogate she's understandably going to feel like she deserves a high level of oversight of you....double that because you are her sister. She would likely be watching everything you do and everything you put in your mouth for 9 months because to her you are her incubator. And what if the pregnancy is terrible, riddled with problems and scares? And if you were to do this, I assume you'd be doing it out of love, but is she doing this partially because she's trying to get out of the financial cost? if so, I have a problem with that too. Good luck. Say no.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to say that you are not alone in not being able to be a surrogate for her sister. I wouldn't even consider donating eggs because it is dangerous for the woman and I would consider myself to be one of the parents. Be prepared for your sister to be upset with you but, it is better in the long term to be totally honest.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Your sister needs to grieve about her fertility and then look for a reasonable approach to becoming a parent.

Anyone who would ask a sister to carry and deliver a child, then relinquish the baby and watch that baby grow up as someone else's, attending family events with that baby, presumably never telling that baby who she is, has not thought the situation through fully.

This would be terrible for all involved and increase adoption trauma times 10 for the resulting child.

It's also profoundly selfish behavior toward OP. Asking someone to bear responsibility for a sister's access to motherhood is self centered in the extreme.

I understand that infertility can be heartbreaking. My best friend had five miscarriages before becoming a mother by adoption. It was brutal on her marriage and her sense of self. However, 12 years down the line they are a family. And the woman who gave up her child is not sitting across the table from them at Christmas nor did she bear a son out of guilt or obligation.

She can become a parent without tearing your life up. She needs to do so.

[Anonymous]

My sister offered this to me when I was struggling with IF. It was extraordinarily moving. But I don't think I could have taken her up on it. We ended up having success with ivf, so I guess I can't say for sure how far I would have gone. My sis was divorced & with an older child and no desire to have more children, so I think that made it much easier for her to offer, but even then, I don't think I could let her go through that for me. I think your sis will understand you need to put your husband and daughter first, especially if there is any possibility you want more children. It's a tough time for her, to be honest, and hopefully you can help make sure her desperation doesn't get her into tough situations. There are a lot of scams out there. She's asking because she's looking for any shot, & she's willing to grasp at straws. I know how that feels, but it can be easy to get carried away in that frame of mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister offered this to me when I was struggling with IF. It was extraordinarily moving. But I don't think I could have taken her up on it. We ended up having success with ivf, so I guess I can't say for sure how far I would have gone. My sis was divorced & with an older child and no desire to have more children, so I think that made it much easier for her to offer, but even then, I don't think I could let her go through that for me. I think your sis will understand you need to put your husband and daughter first, especially if there is any possibility you want more children. It's a tough time for her, to be honest, and hopefully you can help make sure her desperation doesn't get her into tough situations. There are a lot of scams out there. She's asking because she's looking for any shot, & she's willing to grasp at straws. I know how that feels, but it can be easy to get carried away in that frame of mind.

That was kind of your sister. She was in a different place in life - didn't have a baby like OP who seems to want other children. Incredible for the sister to even ask OP to give up a pregnancy of her own child at this stage in her life.

[Anonymous]

You could donate an egg if you didn't want to carry it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could donate an egg if you didn't want to carry it.

Maybe the issue her sister is having IS of carrying the pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

No, of course, it's not wrong to say no.

By the same token, it wouldn't be wrong of your sister to sever her relationship with you. This will happen, and you must be prepared for that.

[Anonymous]

My SIL offered to do it for me (married to DH's brother). I think it was exceedingly generous of her, and they have 4 kids already, so she knows exactly what she would be getting into. That said, my BIL's family is nuts and I wouldn't want my child incubating in that environment for 9 months. Of course I would never tell them that, so we just said thanks and we will let you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL offered to do it for me (married to DH's brother). I think it was exceedingly generous of her, and they have 4 kids already, so she knows exactly what she would be getting into. That said, my BIL's family is nuts and I wouldn't want my child incubating in that environment for 9 months. Of course I would never tell them that, so we just said thanks and we will let you know.

That's like the craziest reason I ever heard. Seriously? I can see when people forego relatives' help for fear of changing relationships, but the "crazy environment" of the incubator? LMAO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, of course, it's not wrong to say no.

By the same token, it wouldn't be wrong of your sister to sever her relationship with you. This will happen, and you must be prepared for that.

Oh, yes. It would be very wrong of the sister to sever her relationship with OP. The request is a huge request. It isn't something OP is obligated to do. The sister doesn't have a right to use OP's body to make a baby. That's horribly invasive.

If the sister severed her relationship with OP over this then the sister is a narcissist with poor boundaries. OP is better off without her.

[Anonymous]

I think there is nothing wrong with asking - she is putting it out there -and there is nothing wrong with understanding your own limits and needs, and saying no.

a critical question for me would be: am i planning on more children of my own? If the answer was yes, it would be much harder to do - pregnancy takes a toll on your body (and even sometimes your own fertility) i wouldnt want to compromise building my own family for the sake of building hers.

on the matter of having a "Child" to whom you are really an aunt - in many ways I think that could be really sweet in some situations... but it sounds like for you it would be hard...