Gave sick friend a gift and she thanked me with the same gift, ugh

[Anonymous]

I often do what your boss did, because it's easy and I'm lazy when it comes to dissecting what someone wants. I figure you must like what you gave me so I'll give you the same. Not much thought, but as good as I'll do. I'm not into the whole gift thing, just do it because there's such an expectation. Your boss would probably have preferred a thoughtful written card.

[Anonymous]

Does your company allow supervisors to receive gifts from their direct reports? It's strictly prohibited at my workplace. Is there any chance that she's not allowed to take a gift from you, and rather than refusing the gift has tried to make things even?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your company allow supervisors to receive gifts from their direct reports? It's strictly prohibited at my workplace. Is there any chance that she's not allowed to take a gift from you, and rather than refusing the gift has tried to make things even?

This is what I think. You erred, OP, but giving her anything other than flowers or a home cooked meal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your company allow supervisors to receive gifts from their direct reports? It's strictly prohibited at my workplace. Is there any chance that she's not allowed to take a gift from you, and rather than refusing the gift has tried to make things even?

This is OP. Yes, it does. And I have driven her to the doctor and the like and other things friends do. We are friends. I knew her before I took this job. We have known each other since graduate school. We are partners in a project but technically she is my boss. This is not a distant relationship. And, yes, to the PP who explained that this is like giving someone the same thing back that they gave you for your birthday, I agree. Also, no, she did not go get the gift. Either someone went for her or she ordered it online. And to the PP who buys her friends the same gifts they give her, many will think that's a little rude. Try to think of something on your own. It just feels like you want to make sure to price match and not be one down on the ledger. I think a nice note in the mail would have been nice, but I honestly did not need any additional thanks beyond what she said when she opened it. I like to help when people need it. I don't need to be repaid. Likewise, when I am trading with someone, I trade. I don't try to one up them by doing more (like if I trade babysitting with another mom). This was just really odd to me and made me feel kind of awkward. Oh well. She is a little weird sometimes so I will blow it off but keep in mind that this is unlikely to be like my other friendships ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At least she didn't give you the actual throw back, if that makes sense?

Like she has a closet full of "gifts" she doesn't want and then gives them out randomly, but accidentally gave you the gift back which you got for her.

That would be worse, this is just weird.

With smallpox on it.

[Anonymous]

I really wouldn't read too much into this. It sounds like she was trying to thank you by buying a gift that she knows that you'd like. Anyone who is really sick is not going to try and one up you. Life is too short to worry about petty stuff like this. By the way, I gave my sister-in-law a throw that I fell in love with for Xmas, and I'd be thrilled if she gave me the same thing next year.

[Anonymous]

Did you say anything when you gave it to her about how you liked the throw too and would like it if someone gave it to you as you did in your original post here? If someone told me that they really liked something they gave me, I can see sending them the same thing with a note saying I wanted them to be able to enjoy it too. Seems a little like you are the one doing the bean-counting, competitive thing, not her.

[Anonymous]

My take is that she's feeling very vulnerable. Imagine being a type-A, very work/achievement-oriented person and then the floor drops out from under you and you are ill, home bound, bed bound, relying on people to get to the doctor, etc., for months.

I think it's more about that, and about her having a hard time dealing with her vulnerability and the dynamic this creates in her work and personal relationships. She may not even be consciously processing it, but my guess is her odd behavior is about how she's dealing with her illness/vulnerability and NOT a reflection of her friendship or how she feels about you.

Try to put yourself in her shoes (and allow for the fact that she's a bit odd in normal circumstances, as you describe).

[Anonymous]

She was so blown away by the thoughtfulness and hasn't been exposed to anything interesting lately (confined to bed), she didn't think through how it might be perceived. No harm. It meant so much to her, she thought you might respond similarly AND it would be something you two could share, like a treasured inside joke among friends.

When you're ill, maybe you get a pass. I wouldn't jump to assign ugly intent. Is she someone who "gets" you? Nope. Or, she wouldn't have done it. Could it have come from a good place? I think so.

It's true that maybe this signals that you won't be friends in the way you are with others, but there's room here to accommodate good intentions. Right?

Life's too short to carry around bad feelings like this. Relieve yourself of the burden if you can.

[Anonymous]

You are reading into this way too much. You've decided to not be as close friends with her because of a gift she gave you.

[Anonymous]

OP, why does this matter??

I would have thanked the friend for the gift and moved on.

[Anonymous]

It may be that she's forgotten who gave her the throw but she's enjoyed it so much that she wanted to give you the same thing. I don't know what her illness is, but, for example, I had chemo for 6 months and it (plus all the medication I took with it) made me an intellectual basket case. People gave me things and did things for me and the next day I couldn't remember who did what. So it may be she just forgot you gave it to her and by giving you that throw it just demonstrates how much she likes it. Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may be that she's forgotten who gave her the throw but she's enjoyed it so much that she wanted to give you the same thing. I don't know what her illness is, but, for example, I had chemo for 6 months and it (plus all the medication I took with it) made me an intellectual basket case. People gave me things and did things for me and the next day I couldn't remember who did what. So it may be she just forgot you gave it to her and by giving you that throw it just demonstrates how much she likes it. Just a thought.

Yes! Chemo totally ate my brain. It's been 5 years and my memory is still terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are reading into this way too much. You've decided to not be as close friends with her because of a gift she gave you.

+1

She gave you a blanket and you're having a meltdown?? This makes no sense at all to me, but I'm mentally noting to be careful when gift-giving in the future. I just thought she wanted to be blanket twinsies with you.

[Anonymous]

I am a person with a severe chronic illness. It's hard for a healthy person to understand how it feels to be chronically ill. For many of us, our biggest fear is being a burden to our friends and loved ones. I have an almost irrational fear of asking anyone for help. In my mind, I don't want to waste any favors now because I think I will need them later on (like there is a limit on kindness or something).

Anyway, I would just accept the gift from your friend. She is trying to show you that she cares and appreciates all your help and kindness. Don't overthink it. Just accept it and know that you are a good person because that's the bottom line.